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joined 08 Sep 2022

Pretending to be a cs undergrad.


User ID: 975



1 follower   follows 2 users   joined 08 Sep 2022


Pretending to be a cs undergrad.


User ID: 975

It will not now given that seuxal revolution is a thing in urban India, at least in the higher ends.

I really do not want to beta buxx some girl who had her share of lovers and had to settle down because she became too old, this is the thing that many I know kinda put up with so I will most likely find a girl for myself.

I am very unlikely to have that given that the best genes have fled the arranged marriage market in the country so you now have a weird system. Romantic love is the one thing everyone "believes" in here which is what caused this, all movies, tv shows, music etc is based around this premise. Factor in globalization and the Indian elite obsession with copying whatever anglos do and you get a world where people of the higher socio economic strata date and whilst marriages are still mostly arranged, the amount of ones where spouses are chosen on your own have risen.

I also do not trust my parents to select a good wife given that both were raised during times that were very different. They are not aware of things are today in my humble opinion. I may despise my familyy on some days but I love them more than anything else in the world, I still do not think that they would do a good job.

Also my issues are me being low value in a ghost town in his early 20s. My girl issues are just a symptom of that, bump up my value and city and these problems will just disappear.

I appreciate hearing that. I like posting here because I can look back at myself from the past and see the value in the advice and warning you guys dish out. It has been good so far, hell I learnt more here about "life" than I did in uni.

Yeah you're right. I'll check the blog out, any posts you'd recommend?

My post this week is a but different from the usual things. As a child I never really liked my family, my father would scream and shout at me and my younger brother daily with a really high frequency. I felt that this was normal yet it didn't somehow stop, ever, at all.

My family is dysfunctional, very very dysfunctional to the point where I hate living with them. Most people, most of my religious sentiments live in their ancestral houses forever with joint families, elders and whatnot but I just can't imagine doing any of that. The kind of unease I feel around my family when we sit down to eat our meals alongwith constant interruptions when I code in my room have forced me to commute daily to my unis library just to not be around them.

My ma stuck with her marriage because here marriages are decided by the elders and even though she didn't like it, her reason to stick by was because she felt that leaving would bring shame to her late father's name in their town.

Again, this isn't my way of blaming my family for my shortcomings rather just my acceptance of the fact that none of us are happy. My parents and grandfather have loved their life and have nothing besides screens left in their life, same for my brother who is fairly slow mentally and hence spends his days doing what I'd do but under exponentially worse circumstances.

Hinduism unlike other cultures ensured that traditional values remain alive with rituals and traditions. My life derives all it's meaning from my religious beliefs, I wish to some day have a family of my own too (not anytime soon tho lol) but it is kinda ironic that the religious guy who encourages others towards traditions is also the one wpuld run away the second he can.

My sabbatical will last six months, I knowingly took a decision to take it so that I could fix my knowledge gaps, prepare better for the future and ready myself for a far better quality of jobs. Most importantly develop actual skills and figure out what I like, am good at etc etc.

When I was first asked to consider one by my mentor, mt response was that I'd rather slit my wrists than stay back in this dysfunctional house in my dead town but I later realised the upsides. I'm posting here just to cope. My family fights during dinner and my grandfather who's hard if hearing at 90 watches, feeling morose over what he witnesses. He was in all honesty a much much worsw father. During todays episode, he asked me about why there was so much turmoil today, stating he doesn't much like what he sees but being in a bad mood, I responded by stating that it's his fault6too since he too was a terrible father. Surprisingly, my old grandfather nodded and agreed with my assessment, stating he wished he could do it differently.

There are skme nights where I pass by his room and hear him cursing his own parents in his sleep and seeing a man who's 90 having so much bitterness over this stuff does make me feel bad.

I'm not as young as I was once I began posting here and I already have many many things I regret very deeply. I learnt a lot from every single mistake but uts did cause significant problems. My GPA is terrible (slightly below 3 in the US scale of 4, 6.77 out of 10 to be exact) but besides that, not many things that Ibhave done will have permanent negative consequences forever, however as time passes, it'll just mean more of my decisions will matter.

Regardless, my time in my house is coming to an end flr this chapter of my life as I will move out. I wish I could have saved my brother, my whole family honestly but I can't.

Anyone who's read my entries here is familiar with my obsession with this one girl I met via the internet and could never get over despite never meeting her etc etc. My oneitis in internet lingo, one of the reasons why I liked her was because she was jubilant, truly jubilant, always happy with a genuinely loving family where shebhad a great relationship with her parents, her siblings plus she looks somewhat like my mom. In fact she does remind me of my mom but one who grew up under better circumstances without having to experience brief bouts of poverty and seeing her father die at a young age only for her family to bounce back. Maybe in my mind I saw a lot of what I like in my mom in her, psychologically and physically.

At this point I don't want to fight with my parents, I understand that they're a product of their times but I also am afraid that Ibtoo may end up like they did with boring careers forced on by their family living ablife where the only change is screens (TV, phones etc). They did their best yet somehow my cursed home didn't help us out. The reason why I try out things like isometrics and whatnot is the fear of ageing like my parents, of becoming like them someday. Seeing my grandfather struggle with literally everything makes me reconsider a lot of things.

I see the appeal of life as a young person in a large city, you meet so many new people, can work on careers, academics, visit nightclubs etc etc, things I like, I haven't done them enough but I genuinely love the fact that I am young, for now as I cannot and do not wish to be like, well like my parents. Despite my love for them, I do not wish to grow old, decay at a bad pace leading a life confined ti stagnation. The dynamic change life offers to me at my age is very exciting. It's life affirming, it really is. That probably is a big reason why many here are haopy to help me out as they perhaps see a slight sliver of themselves in me or more likely just wish wellbfor others, hoping they don't make the same mistakes.

I'm a much better programmer now and other things but these fights in my house take away any and all good feelings I have for days. My envy for that girl grows because I wish I got to have a relatively peaceful family life. Uni being trash despite its prestige is something I can cope with but family is permanent, you are after all a representative, a descendant of your ancestors.

Regardless, I am in the middle of my final mid terms, my internship has allowed me to get this semester waived so I'll be able to study full time, bang out code and fix my gaps.

It feels like yesterday that I discovered this place during my first few days in uni or before that and now I'm officially gonna be an engineer. Time goes by fast, I really did want my sabbatical to go fast too but I want to slow it down, as bad as my family is, it's still my family and I hope my last few months here before I leave for greener pastures are better.

The bias is extreme, just extreme for most things, not just politics.

It is a handy little tool but a tool at best in the current neutered form. Now the ill effects, whether it will ever become AGI, whether it will kill us etc etc is beyond me (although I wish to learn) but the training set used for it is super biased and breaks it for normal conversations.

Basic advice like improving your looks or comparing two photos is politicized for no reason whatsoever, no wonder why everyone is jailbreaking it.

Yeah, they just get repetitive after a while though. That is why I love Mask of the Phantasm, Under the Red Hood, The Long Halloween(both parts), Gotham by Gaslight. All 4 have different villains who have objectives beyond money, who you have not seen before in other movies and have a personal struggle for both Batman and Bruce Wayne.

I dislike the Justice league stuff somewhat given Batman punches robots that superman fights, even though one is a normal dude whilst other is an alien capable of smashing planets. The lack of consistency in this stuff does make me a bit bored but otherwise these are good movies. I liked all 4, the fourth especially.

Also Assault on Arkham is a more action oriented movie and yeah, it is great. I too think it is the best piece of Suicide Squad media. I just wish they could make more movies like the ones listed in this post.

Marvel just got luckier more than anything else. Also animated stuff is much more niche, less money is required and earned via that stuff so its is much more appealing to the masses.

Also, DC owes a lot to BTAS (Batman the Animated Series) which along with Superman had animated movie spin offs. Since these were superior to the live action movies then, they set the tone and DC just made more animated stuff for nerds like us. I honestly like it a lot.

Why do you think they struggle? Replicating marvel is not smart as they are an anomaly, not the norm.

I have my final mid terms of my life (at least ug) this week and they only have two technical subjects so all should be fine. I watched nearly all DC Animated movies and here are the ones I would recommend.

  • Batman - The Long Halloween (part 1 and 2) - This is peak batman, not just bruce wayne in all his different forms but even the batman and his rogues gallery in all their forms. It is a detective story with great action and real cosnequences set in a world of gotham with Godfather like aesthetics.

  • Batman - The Dark Knight Rises (1 and 2) - Classic, watch them both.

  • All-Star Superman - Quintessential Superman story which deals with death in a very mature way. A story worth watching imo

  • Batman - The Mask of the Phantasm

  • Batman - Under the Red Hood - Amazing movie, classic storyline that will actually make you hate Batman and his morals.

  • Batman - Gotham by Gaslight - Victorian Era Batman who fights a killer. The setting alone makes it worth watching

  • Batman - Assault on Arkham - Good brainless action done right

  • Constantine - City of Demons - Worth a watch

  • Justice Leage Dark Apokolips War - Pretty good

  • The Batman (Tetrology?) - Bunch of movies like batman vs robin, etc look em up on wikipedia, not that good but worth watching just once.

  • Justice League - The Flashpoint Paradox - I hate the new 52 that happened due to this even but the storyline is good, deals with loss, mortality and the finiteness of time, how trauma breaks people.

Most if not all comic book movies, hell most movies seem childish now since I watched one every day, sometimes 4 or 5 a day. I have a projector in my room that I fire up when I wish to watch movies and watched these alongside the Dark Knight Trilogy and the new Batman. All 4 are great movies. The best comic book stories are ones that are not supernatural but with mortals who have a sense of fear, grief, loss and finally some catharsis of some sort. Daredevil the Netflix show, punisher and some comics are in this very list.

Marvel has better storylines than DC in many cases yet DC does a good job putting its stories in these animated movies. Some of them are R Rated too I guess. Ngl, Animated Selina Kyle is genuinely super super attractive to the point where I cannot like a live action version of her (hated all of them actually) and the animated one is just perfect.

Comic book movies are for children at the end of the day, watch enough movies and the fatigue sets in quick but these all are worth watching at least once if not more and provide good entertainment.

Yeah, my clan has been into warfare since the beginning of our civilization but the world has changed. The army sure will help but I do not wish to waste 3 more years on that endeavor. I would have had I been in some other country but the perks here are not worth it.

I am actually feeling better now, just was feeling super low yesterday so apologies.

I'll try another anti depressant.

I'll be using algoexpert for my job prep stuff. Thanks for the recs.

I think punching people (combat sports) would probably do it for me at the very least. Just need momentum and consistency.

Good luck man. Wish ya well.

Long post - tl;dr - have never done anything hard in my life. Isolated, still living in my super dysfunctional family and voluntarily in a sabbatical to fix my CS fundamentals now for the next months, feel really low about myself with immense self doubt. Never met someone as lazy and ambitious as me so the disconnect between what I expected to have happened by age 22 and what actually is happening hurts to talk about. Now forced in a corner, I cannot muster any positive emotions and am drifting towards nihilism. Isolation is another factor which I really would appreciate tips on. I remember being told 2 years ago here that life will go on without me if I do not change, seeing that warning turning into reality has definitely shaken up things. How can one even cope with self worth in a world of billionaires where you have so many people better, more successful than you?

Some thoughts -

I feel dead on the inside, do not think I actually am smart enough to do anything and may be too late to the party. I cannot find any joy in food, porn, music, movies etc. Everything feels tasteless, this is despite being on prozac. A recurring pattern in my life is me hating isolation, not having any peers and being forced to do something hard with those two things happening simultaneously. Getting off of cram schools without ever studying a day always made me feel that I will have to pay for it by working like that some later time in my life so the Sabbatical is a voluntary step in that direction. Everyday I recoil with anger, horror, fear and envy when I see someone my age or slightly older or younger doing good things (like getting into Stanford for a second degree or publishing papers in journals that matter or partying in higher end places with a rad social circle, meeting models regularly or working a super interesting, respected job that is meaningful). A part of me wishes I could do those things but the remaining half sorta knows I will likely never make it given what has happened till now.

I have applied for a semester waiver for this semester( get my 4 year degree this summer without having to attend any classes, exams, labs starting next week) so that I can study full time without college o disturb me and save time, actually do something good. Real programming has scared me, I doubt myself each time I work but end up learning something new. Learning and working hard is by definition really really painful and never having done it before, living a life of just surfing all day has fried my brain to the point to only ever like things that are easy. I look at really really good guys and feel a sense of awe and sadness for I marvel at their ability but simultaneously subconsciously feel that I will never be good enough no matter what I do. No one can ever be like John Carmack but you can only know if you keep trying and competence is its own reward so always right to do these things, hope that you get so good that you enjoy them.

Regardless, I just hope I succeed with this. I will also take up a combat sport in some time as the only thing I will do for the entirety of my day is study, work out and sleep, no classes or exams and whatnot. Programming itself is not bad, no matter how tired, bad I may feel starting work has a wierd effect where once I begin, I can feel everything else disappear and bang out some code only to actually feel tired for real when I do a few hours of it (2 or so for now but can push to 5 or 6 maybe?) which is something I feel only when I work. There is happiness, satisfaction at the end of a hard day of work where I like having learnt new things and feel good about myself for not doing what I do by default which is to never do fuck all. Developing actual skills is like developing a chiseled physique in the sense you must do the thing hard enough, long enough without breaks only to see results in a few months. The first few weeks is just pain but the payoff is otherworldly. I have felt some of it recently and it felt great. Like waking up from an opium dream to a reality that feels cleaner, more vivid but also better.

Some Developments in life -

On the 9th of March, a day after Holi I will get my sacred thread (Janeu). It is a highly respected thing which only a small minority of the country can wear. I feel immense pride in being born into a lineage that traces its origin to divinity. The thread means that you are a twice born, born once from the womb of your mother and the second happens when you take your Janeu. It is something that very clans can take up and despite the gloomy nature of the post below, knowing that I will be the first in my family to revive the tradition is heartwarming. My recent ancestors did not get theirs so my family's lineage will now have my name in it as those who will take up the sacred thread will do so under my name (or so I was told) which is very touching. I was told not to post here and that was honestly great advice given I would simply lie about my progress and would post just to get some semblance of validation from the internet as real life is too dull.

Recently, more specifically, today I have been feeling really low. I also got paralettes (bars for push ups) for push ups and have started doing Timed Static Contractions (a form of isometrics) now. The real bottleneck for everything fucking me up is sleeping on time and electronic distractions as I have had some really good days where I felt great and had no screen time besides work, slept on time. Getting off of sleep meds so will just take prozac and staretta, I hallucinate on ambien sometimes and think about my oneitis who is dating someone seriously now. Deep down I feel that I will never get anyone better but then again, why not date someone who is rich or has a settled life instead of me. My city has played a huge part in this as she lives in the capital whereas my town barely has anything and feels like a retirement home. I do not meet interesting, attractive people ever at all and this is not just me being someone with a superiority complex, someone young is better off in a metropolis with other young people instead of the sandy land of Rajasthan. My GPA is super low at a 6.77 out of 10 but I am just glad uni will get over soon. I hate, fucking hate it with all my passion and have met better people here than in uni.

Sabbatical -

My uni taught me fuck all. The exams, labs, classes were all a LARP and a bad one at that, something others here can attest about Indian higher education, all I got was 4 years worth of wasted time and a college life I will forever hate. I have decided to take a sabbatical of at least six months after university ends to fix the holes in my CS knowledge and decompress from all the trauma I got at uni. I have good people I found as mentors via the internet helping me out in learning key fundamentals from ground up properly (Computer Architecture, Discrete Math, Data Structures in C etc etc) and will end it with a capstone project so that I not only have the fundamentals required but also a fixed direction.

My mental health is in the gutter in all honesty. All I have ever wanted is to leave my home for a better life but somehow I find myself in prolonged isolation yet again. My town is way way too small, the only decent uni here is mine and I cannot befriend more people or see any girls for now as I take my sabbatical seriously.

I finally did nearly finish my first proper notebook since 10th grade which is an achievement for me, finally.

I aim to get a remote gig from some firm based in the west by the end of this year that pays me well and have actual fucking skills to make things that matter instead of just cramming questions off of leetcode because that is the extent of what I have seen in my uni for all 4 years.

Even during such times of extreme nihilism, I would much rather die than work a 9 to 5 job here where I commute long distances for a job where i deal with office politics from people who pretend to be intellectuals on Indian tech twitter.

Remote jobs or migration are the only two things I wish for.

My mind was dead when I began writing the post but I feel better after having written this out. My friends and mentors grill the fuck out of me daily and weekly with progress reports so at least I have that going for me. I miss my oneitis, the big reason for wanting to move out is to meet better women than her, by the hundreds. Sure that is not the main reason, that is obviously bettering my career but most Megacities have both. She was nice to me so I still wish her well but I really still want to at least spend one night with her irl. I have always have had needy one sided crushes since forever so I need to work on myself too.

Also the online world, the screen, the internet, TV, my brain, none of that is real. The more I work and the less time I spend with all of these things, the better I feel. Sure my mentors and friends who help me out are all online but I will get a dumb phone. I study in my Unis library which is a 20-30 commute away from my house and turn on gather.town so that my friends can check my work and my screen. Adds another layer of safety. Also will try out the book focusing by gendlin which is about self therapy of sorts. Just need to stick to a routine long enough and all should be fine.

Will post updates next. Take care!

I have a very strained relationship with my family due to the various circumstances but I feel similarly.

People have said much worse stuff to me but saying this to my dad was not very nice of her in any way shape or form. Regardless, I will do well in the long term anyway. Just did not like what happened to me.

Do jal neti daily with warm water and a neti pot. Best thing ever.

My father is a professor at my uni and is well liked by his students and colleagues. My relationship with him is extremely strained but regardless, I do not appreciate incidents like the one I am about to describe just now.

I had the end term examinations of the 7th semester and skipped the first two since I suffered from a sudden burst of anxiety as I had just returned home the day before the exams so filed for medical re examinations. Of my four exams, I skipped the first two and applied for re exams as i had medical certification from the doctor. Today was my Machine Learning re exam and the teacher was extremely pissed at me. She took it out on my father and said things I genuinely never thought one colleague would say about another. Some of them included

  • He is mentally challenged and you did the right thing by keeping him here as some dumbass like him would have flunked outta any uni besides ones with you begging other faculties to give him passing grades

  • Your son is the village idiot incapable of ever landing a job, everyone in the uni laughs at him for being so dumb, he will never get a job so better start looking for some menial job for him

  • Everyone laughs at you too and make him give exams on time as he would get a d grade at max in all of them anyway so it will not waste everyone's time.

  • He is extremely boastful and unfit for education. You should not have sent him to uni.

Uni selections in India are centralized and done via exams like the JEE, similar to goakao where you only get admitted based on the marks you score. I was featured in the newspapers twice since I was quite successful, to the point where I was in the 99.9xx percentile in one and literally 100 percentile in another, even received an award from the state for it. My academic credentials were better than anyone my age in my batch and I chose this place because of my father, no other reason besides that. I am not that low iq, at least that is what I think.

Now, I am by all objective markers a failure, but still, her stating this is not what I found severely hurtful despite my thick skin but rather her talking down to my father and being very smug about it is what did it.

Sure I want to get the fuck away from my abusive and dysfunctional family but they are still my family. No one should ever do what she did, if she cares about me, she could have had a conversation way before and in private, tried to ask me whether I was fine. In case she does not care, she could have simply just not cared and not given my father a scathing monologue, painting me as a special needs kid who is genetically inferior and should hence be locked away and kept safe from the outside world.

There have only been very few moments in my life I have found to be as hurtful and this was perhaps the worst. Getting photos from girls I had a thing for and seeing them with other dudes or even flunking high school (yeah, I went from 0th to 100th percentile in one year) did not hurt as this did.

In case you know someone who slacks, try talking to them, do not wait for things to nearly end like my degree will in a few months and then act smug in front of their helpless parents. Her kids are doing very well in life and I really have not felt this low in a while. I have been on ssris for a few months and in a rut forever but at this point a part of me feels that she is right and that I should just give up and die. My father despite all my issues with him does not deserve such ridicule and embarrassment.

I would disagree with your sentiment. This is pretty mainstream Hindu thought and it is correct about a lot more than even what I would wish to admit, at least the parts listed here.

Yeah no I get what you mean. It is sane advice, I shall start posting again after new years or some major life event.

edit - redacted to avoid doxxing threats.

Fair point. I did make some changes to my life but they happened slowly. I feel that I have maxxed out whatever advice I could get from this place so should look towards prolonged isolation now as it's hard for me and others to see any meaningful progress on a weekly scale.

I did remove my wifi and will start ensuring that my phone is locked by either my dad or ma to reduce usage.

I use third party websites to do this so will block domains. Thanks for the suggestion pal!

Yeah. I just cannot get over my oneitis. The only way to get over is to meet more girls and the only way to do that is to study well, have a fixed routine i follow and exercise (+ meditate) so that I can actually move to some place like delhi and work on a remote job.

I will add website blockers on my phone and laptop. It only hurts to see her happy with her boyfriend but otoh life will get better if I spend more time doing things irl instead of having a needy little oneitis. I did way better than someone like me should have on my first night out so it is more of an issue of just doing things more than taking the easy path and being online. You should be able to walk away from every girl on the planet at the blink of an eye, that is true abundance.

I will also ban reddit, twitter etc. Just need momentum, first few days are the hardest.

reminds me of a great video by Luke Smith on porn or internet addiction.

Video 1 - https://youtube.com/watch?v=BsvYEkTzmGQ

Video 2 - https://youtube.com/watch?v=Psl6hQ8hGuc (more specific and better than the first one)

Coldturkey seems good so have installed it. I use third party apps or instagram since I deactivated over 18 months ago for good and will not return till I fix my life to the point where I can use the app but like a normal person, not as an addict. I used it to talk to girls but studying super hard, developing skills in the intellectual areas I care about, working out and other things like approaching girls in nightclubs will do infinitely more than any amount of screen time. If I can get a quant gig in some place like NYC in a few years, I can meet actual models and that is a payoff I would deem worthy.

Porn is hard to quit but you may benefit from getting better at sex, Meditating, meeting more girls and reading books like the sex god method that will help you get better at it.

Pornography is bad, evil, unhealthy and completely immoral. You have to watch higher amounts of it with increasing levels of degenracy to get the same effect as when you first started.

lol, I do not have insta, I just use third party apps on my browsers, I used it today, should I do pushups for that?

edit - did 20 on an incline, my triceps are fried, will do 10 more lol. Good warmup tho, was gonna start working out in the morning tomorrow daily anyway.

edit - based idea. I should do 3 hours of work for every 30 minutes of internet surfing.