practical_romantic's profile

practical_romantic 2yr ago · Edited 2yr ago

Long post - tl;dr - have never done anything hard in my life. Isolated, still living in my super dysfunctional family and voluntarily in a sabbatical to fix my CS fundamentals now for the next months, feel really low about myself with immense self doubt. Never met someone as lazy and ambitious as me so the disconnect between what I expected to have happened by age 22 and what actually is happening hurts to talk about. Now forced in a corner, I cannot muster any positive emotions and am drifting towards nihilism. Isolation is another factor which I really would appreciate tips on. I remember being told 2 years ago here that life will go on without me if I do not change, seeing that warning turning into reality has definitely shaken up things. How can one even cope with self worth in a world of billionaires where you have so many people better, more successful than you?

Some thoughts -

I feel dead on the inside, do not think I actually am smart enough to do anything and may be too late to the party. I cannot find any joy in food, porn, music, movies etc. Everything feels tasteless, this is despite being on prozac. A recurring pattern in my life is me hating isolation, not having any peers and being forced to do something hard with those two things happening simultaneously. Getting off of cram schools without ever studying a day always made me feel that I will have to pay for it by working like that some later time in my life so the Sabbatical is a voluntary step in that direction. Everyday I recoil with anger, horror, fear and envy when I see someone my age or slightly older or younger doing good things (like getting into Stanford for a second degree or publishing papers in journals that matter or partying in higher end places with a rad social circle, meeting models regularly or working a super interesting, respected job that is meaningful). A part of me wishes I could do those things but the remaining half sorta knows I will likely never make it given what has happened till now.

I have applied for a semester waiver for this semester( get my 4 year degree this summer without having to attend any classes, exams, labs starting next week) so that I can study full time without college o disturb me and save time, actually do something good. Real programming has scared me, I doubt myself each time I work but end up learning something new. Learning and working hard is by definition really really painful and never having done it before, living a life of just surfing all day has fried my brain to the point to only ever like things that are easy. I look at really really good guys and feel a sense of awe and sadness for I marvel at their ability but simultaneously subconsciously feel that I will never be good enough no matter what I do. No one can ever be like John Carmack but you can only know if you keep trying and competence is its own reward so always right to do these things, hope that you get so good that you enjoy them.

Regardless, I just hope I succeed with this. I will also take up a combat sport in some time as the only thing I will do for the entirety of my day is study, work out and sleep, no classes or exams and whatnot. Programming itself is not bad, no matter how tired, bad I may feel starting work has a wierd effect where once I begin, I can feel everything else disappear and bang out some code only to actually feel tired for real when I do a few hours of it (2 or so for now but can push to 5 or 6 maybe?) which is something I feel only when I work. There is happiness, satisfaction at the end of a hard day of work where I like having learnt new things and feel good about myself for not doing what I do by default which is to never do fuck all. Developing actual skills is like developing a chiseled physique in the sense you must do the thing hard enough, long enough without breaks only to see results in a few months. The first few weeks is just pain but the payoff is otherworldly. I have felt some of it recently and it felt great. Like waking up from an opium dream to a reality that feels cleaner, more vivid but also better.

Some Developments in life -

On the 9th of March, a day after Holi I will get my sacred thread (Janeu). It is a highly respected thing which only a small minority of the country can wear. I feel immense pride in being born into a lineage that traces its origin to divinity. The thread means that you are a twice born, born once from the womb of your mother and the second happens when you take your Janeu. It is something that very clans can take up and despite the gloomy nature of the post below, knowing that I will be the first in my family to revive the tradition is heartwarming. My recent ancestors did not get theirs so my family's lineage will now have my name in it as those who will take up the sacred thread will do so under my name (or so I was told) which is very touching. I was told not to post here and that was honestly great advice given I would simply lie about my progress and would post just to get some semblance of validation from the internet as real life is too dull.

Recently, more specifically, today I have been feeling really low. I also got paralettes (bars for push ups) for push ups and have started doing Timed Static Contractions (a form of isometrics) now. The real bottleneck for everything fucking me up is sleeping on time and electronic distractions as I have had some really good days where I felt great and had no screen time besides work, slept on time. Getting off of sleep meds so will just take prozac and staretta, I hallucinate on ambien sometimes and think about my oneitis who is dating someone seriously now. Deep down I feel that I will never get anyone better but then again, why not date someone who is rich or has a settled life instead of me. My city has played a huge part in this as she lives in the capital whereas my town barely has anything and feels like a retirement home. I do not meet interesting, attractive people ever at all and this is not just me being someone with a superiority complex, someone young is better off in a metropolis with other young people instead of the sandy land of Rajasthan. My GPA is super low at a 6.77 out of 10 but I am just glad uni will get over soon. I hate, fucking hate it with all my passion and have met better people here than in uni.

Sabbatical -

My uni taught me fuck all. The exams, labs, classes were all a LARP and a bad one at that, something others here can attest about Indian higher education, all I got was 4 years worth of wasted time and a college life I will forever hate. I have decided to take a sabbatical of at least six months after university ends to fix the holes in my CS knowledge and decompress from all the trauma I got at uni. I have good people I found as mentors via the internet helping me out in learning key fundamentals from ground up properly (Computer Architecture, Discrete Math, Data Structures in C etc etc) and will end it with a capstone project so that I not only have the fundamentals required but also a fixed direction.

My mental health is in the gutter in all honesty. All I have ever wanted is to leave my home for a better life but somehow I find myself in prolonged isolation yet again. My town is way way too small, the only decent uni here is mine and I cannot befriend more people or see any girls for now as I take my sabbatical seriously.

I finally did nearly finish my first proper notebook since 10th grade which is an achievement for me, finally.

I aim to get a remote gig from some firm based in the west by the end of this year that pays me well and have actual fucking skills to make things that matter instead of just cramming questions off of leetcode because that is the extent of what I have seen in my uni for all 4 years.

Even during such times of extreme nihilism, I would much rather die than work a 9 to 5 job here where I commute long distances for a job where i deal with office politics from people who pretend to be intellectuals on Indian tech twitter.

Remote jobs or migration are the only two things I wish for.

My mind was dead when I began writing the post but I feel better after having written this out. My friends and mentors grill the fuck out of me daily and weekly with progress reports so at least I have that going for me. I miss my oneitis, the big reason for wanting to move out is to meet better women than her, by the hundreds. Sure that is not the main reason, that is obviously bettering my career but most Megacities have both. She was nice to me so I still wish her well but I really still want to at least spend one night with her irl. I have always have had needy one sided crushes since forever so I need to work on myself too.

Also the online world, the screen, the internet, TV, my brain, none of that is real. The more I work and the less time I spend with all of these things, the better I feel. Sure my mentors and friends who help me out are all online but I will get a dumb phone. I study in my Unis library which is a 20-30 commute away from my house and turn on gather.town so that my friends can check my work and my screen. Adds another layer of safety. Also will try out the book focusing by gendlin which is about self therapy of sorts. Just need to stick to a routine long enough and all should be fine.

Will post updates next. Take care!

6

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

I have a very strained relationship with my family due to the various circumstances but I feel similarly.

People have said much worse stuff to me but saying this to my dad was not very nice of her in any way shape or form. Regardless, I will do well in the long term anyway. Just did not like what happened to me.

2

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

Do jal neti daily with warm water and a neti pot. Best thing ever.

1

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

My father is a professor at my uni and is well liked by his students and colleagues. My relationship with him is extremely strained but regardless, I do not appreciate incidents like the one I am about to describe just now.

I had the end term examinations of the 7th semester and skipped the first two since I suffered from a sudden burst of anxiety as I had just returned home the day before the exams so filed for medical re examinations. Of my four exams, I skipped the first two and applied for re exams as i had medical certification from the doctor. Today was my Machine Learning re exam and the teacher was extremely pissed at me. She took it out on my father and said things I genuinely never thought one colleague would say about another. Some of them included

He is mentally challenged and you did the right thing by keeping him here as some dumbass like him would have flunked outta any uni besides ones with you begging other faculties to give him passing grades
Your son is the village idiot incapable of ever landing a job, everyone in the uni laughs at him for being so dumb, he will never get a job so better start looking for some menial job for him
Everyone laughs at you too and make him give exams on time as he would get a d grade at max in all of them anyway so it will not waste everyone's time.
He is extremely boastful and unfit for education. You should not have sent him to uni.

Uni selections in India are centralized and done via exams like the JEE, similar to goakao where you only get admitted based on the marks you score. I was featured in the newspapers twice since I was quite successful, to the point where I was in the 99.9xx percentile in one and literally 100 percentile in another, even received an award from the state for it. My academic credentials were better than anyone my age in my batch and I chose this place because of my father, no other reason besides that. I am not that low iq, at least that is what I think.

Now, I am by all objective markers a failure, but still, her stating this is not what I found severely hurtful despite my thick skin but rather her talking down to my father and being very smug about it is what did it.

Sure I want to get the fuck away from my abusive and dysfunctional family but they are still my family. No one should ever do what she did, if she cares about me, she could have had a conversation way before and in private, tried to ask me whether I was fine. In case she does not care, she could have simply just not cared and not given my father a scathing monologue, painting me as a special needs kid who is genetically inferior and should hence be locked away and kept safe from the outside world.

There have only been very few moments in my life I have found to be as hurtful and this was perhaps the worst. Getting photos from girls I had a thing for and seeing them with other dudes or even flunking high school (yeah, I went from 0th to 100th percentile in one year) did not hurt as this did.

In case you know someone who slacks, try talking to them, do not wait for things to nearly end like my degree will in a few months and then act smug in front of their helpless parents. Her kids are doing very well in life and I really have not felt this low in a while. I have been on ssris for a few months and in a rut forever but at this point a part of me feels that she is right and that I should just give up and die. My father despite all my issues with him does not deserve such ridicule and embarrassment.

4

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

I would disagree with your sentiment. This is pretty mainstream Hindu thought and it is correct about a lot more than even what I would wish to admit, at least the parts listed here.

2

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

Yeah no I get what you mean. It is sane advice, I shall start posting again after new years or some major life event.

3

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago · Edited 2yr ago

edit - redacted to avoid doxxing threats.

4

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

Fair point. I did make some changes to my life but they happened slowly. I feel that I have maxxed out whatever advice I could get from this place so should look towards prolonged isolation now as it's hard for me and others to see any meaningful progress on a weekly scale.

I did remove my wifi and will start ensuring that my phone is locked by either my dad or ma to reduce usage.

1

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

I use third party websites to do this so will block domains. Thanks for the suggestion pal!

1

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

Yeah. I just cannot get over my oneitis. The only way to get over is to meet more girls and the only way to do that is to study well, have a fixed routine i follow and exercise (+ meditate) so that I can actually move to some place like delhi and work on a remote job.

I will add website blockers on my phone and laptop. It only hurts to see her happy with her boyfriend but otoh life will get better if I spend more time doing things irl instead of having a needy little oneitis. I did way better than someone like me should have on my first night out so it is more of an issue of just doing things more than taking the easy path and being online. You should be able to walk away from every girl on the planet at the blink of an eye, that is true abundance.

I will also ban reddit, twitter etc. Just need momentum, first few days are the hardest.

1

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

reminds me of a great video by Luke Smith on porn or internet addiction.

Video 1 - https://youtube.com/watch?v=BsvYEkTzmGQ

Video 2 - https://youtube.com/watch?v=Psl6hQ8hGuc (more specific and better than the first one)

Coldturkey seems good so have installed it. I use third party apps or instagram since I deactivated over 18 months ago for good and will not return till I fix my life to the point where I can use the app but like a normal person, not as an addict. I used it to talk to girls but studying super hard, developing skills in the intellectual areas I care about, working out and other things like approaching girls in nightclubs will do infinitely more than any amount of screen time. If I can get a quant gig in some place like NYC in a few years, I can meet actual models and that is a payoff I would deem worthy.

Porn is hard to quit but you may benefit from getting better at sex, Meditating, meeting more girls and reading books like the sex god method that will help you get better at it.

Pornography is bad, evil, unhealthy and completely immoral. You have to watch higher amounts of it with increasing levels of degenracy to get the same effect as when you first started.

-2

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago · Edited 2yr ago

lol, I do not have insta, I just use third party apps on my browsers, I used it today, should I do pushups for that?

edit - did 20 on an incline, my triceps are fried, will do 10 more lol. Good warmup tho, was gonna start working out in the morning tomorrow daily anyway.

edit - based idea. I should do 3 hours of work for every 30 minutes of internet surfing.

2

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

I developed a terrible habit of looking at the IGs of girls I used to talk till early 2021 before I left IG forever. Any opinions or tips or pointers on how I can curb this bad habit. I have removed my study's wifi router and download everything I will need to study so as to reduce my usage. Best internet usage is just saying Hi to a bunch of smart people in places like this one and getting advice you apply in your life. I hate the internet now as low status, low value me can feel good about myself or get some status as a fringe e celeb whereas the only way to lead life is to do important things IRL on a consistent basis.

How do i stop myself from checking the IGs of other girls. I use third party apps often and it is kinda pointless at this point. Life on IG is only a small snippet for what happens to you irl if you are not a total loser or internet addict or both. Checking the IG of my former oneitis does hurt but otoh not being able to get with her caused me enough pain to not use the app again (I deactivated) and start a parallel group of like minded people (something like themotte but on whatsapp or telegram) where I have people who are actually successful in life while also trying to help to the best of their abilities as they genuinely would be happy to see me outdo them

1

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago · Edited 2yr ago

Yeah, also yugas have some flexibility so the age of the great chakravartin maharaja Vikramditya was Satyug despite existing in wretched times. The idea of Kalyuga is not incorrect given my limited experience and understanding of the world.

edit - these are the words of the head priest.

-1

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

Indo European descriptions are much more accurate in this regard given they all describe pretty common scenarios. What is funny is that these things happened because of Industrialization of society which is inevitable. Nick Land talks about something similar with the idea of techno capital.

True freedom in the religious sense is freedom from bodily pleasures and being a servant to the Gods and higher values whereas freedom today is the freedom from the Gods and higher values and a service to bodily pleasures. Overall, the ancients got this right. Buddhism was the atheism of India while stoicism was the atheism of the ancient Mediterranean's. Do check out the scriptures he reads from in this video. I am more interested in seeing how the things he talks about came true despite having been predicted thousands of years ago with utmost certainty.

2

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago · Edited 2yr ago

22, I have failed enough to never be arrogant ever again.

1

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

Yeah, I appreciate people who have higher values. I could have been born in much much worse circumstances or not born at all. These things are hard to explain but they make sense on a deeper level. The gods aren't an atm for wishes they are the reason why I want to do well, not just beings I turn to when life's hard. Much more to be thankful about than there is to gain.

4

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

lol, I do think that the west gets personal values completely wrong. Not trying to be smug, I just do not think that the current way the world is progressing is sustainable for anyone. You need higher values and forces that keep your society sane.

Meeting the Shankracharya(of Govardhan Matha, the most respected matha of the 4 there are in Hinduism) and the other religious folks I have met did change my attitude. I see urchins on red lights and people living in slums or many with permanent handicaps or other misfortunes. I am not an MIT undergrad but many kill to get where I am so keeping that in my mind helps me keep sane. You have the right to your labor and not the fruits it bares as Lord Krishna (the human incarnation of Lord Vishnu right after Lord Ram) said. Like consistent efforts and a killer finishing instinct is enough for me to get enough in life where no one walking the planet would consider it sub par. Most do not get these opportunities.

I was born in a very high clan too, one that traces its descent from Lord Ram himself which is also why the temples and priests are very respectful towards my ancestors. There are severe issues with life but from now, fuck it, I will just assume it will happen and start from that frame instead of the 'I am scared, I am sad, I will never get work done, life is unfair frame'. Go fucking all out, gun to the head.

Hell, I am younger than most if not all regular posters here so I have a ton going for me, why not be happy about it. Life will drive you crazy if you do not see the good from time to time.

4

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago · Edited 2yr ago

Diwali this Monday, it is the most important Hindu festival and celebrates the homecoming of Lord Ram after a 14 year exodus which ended with his victory over Ravana. My city will have a bunch of pretty lights, people travel back home to be with their family. One of the main rituals is Lakshmi Puja where you offer prayers to Goddess Lakshmi, the wife of Lord Vishnu (Lord Ram is the human reincarnation of Lord Vishnu, he appears on earth whenever sin crosses a threshold).

Most pajeets would use this week long holiday to have a diwali party where they do not pray but just copy Anglos and get drunk and fool around. I have immense respect for anglos, I just find this to be super distasteful. The purpose of the festival is the worship of your deities and a celebration of the longest unbroken culture on the planet, unfortunately, Indians have a deep rooted inferiority complex which makes them look down on anything religious. People are lefty not just because of India never having had a single decent intellectual in the realm of political science but because of plain signaling. It does hurt to see, the only worth you have in society is based on your affluence or sex. Higher values have been forgotten which is also why everyone drinks. I am not a saint, I just cannot indulge in bad behaviors on such a holy day. There are higher and lower values, virtues, qualities etc that most would recognize. I enjoy would love to be more affluent, date more and better girls in a large town but my main identity will always be defined by Vaishnavism, my job, the virtues and qualities I want to develop are important to me because they are what makes a good life, the material and physical benefits are secondary rewards. I want to be better at academics or be a good physical culturalist or do the other things that would make up a good life because the process of doing these things is what I am supposed to do according to my scriptures. Praying is not fun yet I cannot name a single activity that calms me down and offers peace like offering prayers does. It does not make me better than others or anyone else, but it does make me feel a tad morose about the condition of society today and how far behind my civilization is, where everyone has to play these status games, intentionally or not.

People in my city pool together money to put up lights on their stores, overall it is a good time to be in my city. Always good to see the unroken chain of culture living among people. my grandfather visists the city palace as he is the titular feudal lord of his area under the Royal family. We all buy new clothes, sweets, put lights on our ancient house (haveli of sorts, built over a 100 years ago without any bricks lol). Ma fries up some season specific foods, people go out at night in the city to see the lights and burst crackers as that is a holy ritual (do not listen to pajeets who tell you it is not, head priests have clarified this thing). The festival is the peak of our happiness. I have fond memories of playing Batman Arkham games during this time of the year and lighitng hundreds of clay lamps the traditonal way with oil and putting them in various parts of the house.

Regardless, I will spend the week thanking the Gods for letting me live the life that I do, the life my family and clan enjoys. Most people do not get to have what I have, being thankful for it makes life much better.

I have also started adding 2 hours of mandatory hours of leisure in my day, I usually read theology or read blogs like the zvi(liked just two posts tho, slack and the one about doing hard stuff) and others (mostly Jim wendler, Steve Maxwell, Guzey etc). It is a good way of ensuring that I am efficient with my work.

I will also try to watch UFC 280, good card.

Happy Diwali to themotte, hopefully by next one, I will have the life I want, I most likely will but for now, just blessed to have what I do have. Life is short, smile while you can. Despite all my hatred for the Indian elites, seeing the priests and normal people doing their best this season is a massive whitepill. Me doing well in life would help others see my way of life as cool so all the more reasons to keep trying. Sure every government and political party is actively trying to stop us from celebrating but fuck them, most of us are shameless and would happily burst crackers.

See you all next week.

Jai Shree Ram

14

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

I can only be happy if I work and know I have a future ahead. Smoking in uni is quite fun tho, I look forward to doing more stuff lol.

2

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

no, just my academic work lol. The commute and classes kill me but I should sleep early (at 9 and not 12 like today lol).

3

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

I appreciate it quite a lot. I see dating and other things as thing I used to suck at but always thought that I would excel in, that it was inevitable and I just needed some time.

You are correct in your assessment, I never honestly did think about this in such a way. I do feel a tad lost given I need to get a job and do a bunch of stuff, it gets overwhelming and I end up not doing as much as I need.

How did it help you exactly and how long did it take you to not feel bad or fix your life?

2

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

uni takes up a lot fo time and I ed up chatting with my family.

3

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

got zero hours of work done and worked out twice.

I could have lied by adding work done after sunday but that is wrong, these reports shall contain only stuff I do in the previous week's sunday and not Wednesday.

My main issue has to be not sleeping on time despite ambien, everything else trickles down from that. Ambien is super powerful so have to take that into consideration.

Sure I had school projects , family issues etc etc but excuses, good ones or bad one are still excuses.

Downvote the fuck out of comments where I do not show progress.

I did resume working out, hurts like hell, quite humbling, I lost 12 lbs or 5 kgs worth of wait but my waist is somehow smaller, quite weird.

The downvotes and negative jibes help me a ton so do not hold back.

Until Next week

2

Context

practical_romantic 2yr ago

If you want to look at it as praise though, it's still for something you have definitely done, something you have handled better than others, but more importantly it is something you have done to improve your life. You deserve praise for that, because it is literally the hardest thing a depressed person can do. For it was said: it is easier for a depressed person to jam a camel up their dickhole than to decide they are going to do anything to stop being depressed.

Thanks a ton man. They say that a crackhead would rather spend 20 years in misery than 3 weeks in hell and maybe something similar can be said for those with depression. A lot of it is genetic but I am responsible for a lot of my issues, I just do not know. At this point I do not know what will help.

The biggest issue with that level of scrupulosity though, is that it gives you a reason to give up when you fail. You fail and you think to yourself "of course I failed, I'm a failure, I fuck up everything and never do anything right even though I have it so much better than others, I shouldn't have tried in the first place.

But I have only failed all my life.

If you are in a place where any praise feels like a lie and just makes you hate yourself more I apologise (and I did mean it as encouragement), but it is something you are going to have to get used to now you are on your way out. Whatever happens, don't let it become an excuse.

Yeah, actions lead to actions, excuses lead to excuses, each have their own momentum.

2

Context

What is this place?

Why are you called The Motte?

New post guidelines

Rules

Recommended Posts And Communities

Recommended Realtime Chats

practical_romantic

practical_romantic