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practical_romantic


				

				

				
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joined 2022 September 08 06:32:40 UTC

Pretending to be a cs undergrad.


				

User ID: 975

practical_romantic


				
				
				

				
2 followers   follows 2 users   joined 2022 September 08 06:32:40 UTC

					

Pretending to be a cs undergrad.


					

User ID: 975

I had my final exam yesterday and am now done with my undergrad exams. Today all of my classmates will be getting t shirts to commemorate 4 years at my uni and will scribble a bunch of things on them. It is a pretty common thing here in high schools and unis so since I could not attend mine at high school, I will finally attend it in my uni.

One more thing I have recently begun enjoying is walking around aimlessly at the end of a workday. So walking through my uni campus or my high school randomly was a very fun and relaxing experience. I got to meet a bunch of people from my past life and uni friends, walking around aimlessly is hard to do in most parts of the country but I was lucky enough to go to decent schools and it honestly is a fun experience, especially once you are done for the day.

Also I finally did give up watching cricket and other sports, sure I may watch a little bit here and there but the time these things can consume is a lot. 4-5 hours spent in front of the TV is not ideal, I find much more enjoyment in meeting people. Also I get why alcohol is so fun for most people. I do not drink but hanging out with more people my age does make me understand why. My entire batch will be going to a resort near our town next weekend to get shitfaced and honestly I cannot wait to try it at least once in my lifetime.

Do suggest tips on how to do it properly, what to do and what not do when getting shitfaced.

My brother and I have a tense relationship, unlike my mother and her five elder brothers. She grew up as the only daughter in the lord’s house of her ancestral village. Her youngest brother, a politician and landowner, surprised her with a visit yesterday for Raksha Bandhan, a festival where sisters tie rakhis to their brothers and receive gifts in return. He drove all night with his driver and left this morning. My mother talks to her family daily, but I failed to be a good older sibling for my only brother. He turned 19 today and we will go out for dinner to his favourite restaurant. I also had a female friend tie me a rakhi yesterday, as I have no sister or cousins here, it is a very Hindu thing so I do not think most will get what this means lol. I don’t know what to buy my brother so suggestions are welcome. We all will go out for dinner to celebrate his 19th today.

The one about step parents being 40 times more likely to abuse kids than biological parents. The west gets family wrong, I will likely never divorce my wife since marriage in Hinduism is a bond for many lives, not just one and the main unit is the family. My mother stayed in a marriage I never would have despite it not even being my fathers fault. My family had some genuinely terrible circumstances and my mother could have left, had I been her, I would have but she stayed for us. I do not wish anything bad on kids who have step parents but anyone who stays together despite issues deserves respect.

I really liked the one about /u/tracingwoodgrains wedding. Other than that maybe the ones where standard_order told me to get addicted to natural dopamine or where everyone trashed me because my oneitis began dating some other dude. I did not get what the people meant back then but it makes more sense the more I read it. The standard_order post was in october 2020 and this one in march 2021. January 2021 stands out too but yeah.

One that will forever stand out would be the book review of from third world to first.

Will read ramayana and likely watch the latest fast and furious movie titled fast x. It is low brow and I did not like the last two at all so hope this one is not another vin diesel fest.

Short rant - Vin Diesel looks old, the dude is not what you would want in an action hero, not because of the bad acting but he also does not look the part at all. The movies themselves have gone from being about stealing dvds and him being a normal man to some sort of brainless avengers ripoff where literally everything revolves around vin. Keanu is another old guy who is not a good actor but at least the John Wick movies are nice, they have good set pieces and are not dumbed down to appeal to 3rd graders.

I also tried out chilli oil ramen, it is an alright thing, just needs a decent packet of ramen without much sugar or coloring or you may risk burning it or making it taste rancid. My sabbatical begins next week so I will spend my last weekend free just reading the glorious ramayana and contemplating on life. Life is good, also cookies and cream is a great ice cream flavor I just found out about.

I developed a terrible habit of looking at the IGs of girls I used to talk till early 2021 before I left IG forever. Any opinions or tips or pointers on how I can curb this bad habit. I have removed my study's wifi router and download everything I will need to study so as to reduce my usage. Best internet usage is just saying Hi to a bunch of smart people in places like this one and getting advice you apply in your life. I hate the internet now as low status, low value me can feel good about myself or get some status as a fringe e celeb whereas the only way to lead life is to do important things IRL on a consistent basis.

How do i stop myself from checking the IGs of other girls. I use third party apps often and it is kinda pointless at this point. Life on IG is only a small snippet for what happens to you irl if you are not a total loser or internet addict or both. Checking the IG of my former oneitis does hurt but otoh not being able to get with her caused me enough pain to not use the app again (I deactivated) and start a parallel group of like minded people (something like themotte but on whatsapp or telegram) where I have people who are actually successful in life while also trying to help to the best of their abilities as they genuinely would be happy to see me outdo them

Long and important post about my interaction with the head priest, likely the most important religious figure alive and some other important thoughts about life. Maybe one of the most important posts I have written. tl;dr I found god and finally am happy :).

I got to visit the Shankaracharya ji of Puri. Shankaracharya is the title given to the head priest. There are 4 Mathas(Monasteries of sorts) for Hindus, each assigned one of the 4 vedas, with Puri being assigned the Rig Veda.

He arrived on Monday and leaves today. I have been listening to their YouTube channel (Govardhan Math) where his public interactions are put up for the world to see and was hence excited to finally see him in flesh.

I arrived early at 11 and he was busy at the time so I could not meet him but I did get to interact with one of his young students. His student was tall, fairly lanky and good looking. His head was shaved with just a shikha (some hair at the middle of the head tied up). He was dressed in white robes instead of the usual saffron with white tikas on his body. He was also an engineer who was in a uni as good as mine for his undergrad (i am at a low tier 1 uni in India) who later went to the best Indian uni for his grad school (IIT Kanpur). His first question on knowing that I was an engineer in my final year was about my job situation lol.

I talked with him for a good bit and he was extremely nice to me. He saw the good in me, the kind I did not think I possessed and told me to focus on sorting my life instead of becoming a monk given I am not a brahmin and my role in this world is to hence lead the life of a family, in fact that most brahmins themselves should not become monks. My role is to become good at my craft and help others like him with the preservation of our customs. He was very youthful yet felt extremely grounded and wise beyond his years.

I got back home given that Shankaracharya ji would begin his public interaction at 5 pm, studied some nlp and later went back again to see him. I finally got there and was able to meet other great priests of high knowledge who were extraordinarily humble. One introduced me to Aditya Vahani, a group of sorts that organises these events nationiwde for the matha and do so despite not even having an office. The young people there were very competent and took me as thier own, we later went to the hall and the program began.

Shankracharya ji was greeted with the chanting of ancient mantras, likely the vedas of some sorts and sat on the stage with everyone else sitting below as a sign of respect.

People asked him questions about many different things, from personal issues to politics to theology and he was quick witted, erudite beyond belief and always courteous in his responses. I asked him about whether the Kali yuga is inevtiable and he replied back stating that a good monarch can stop it.

He answered questions for 2 hours after which the event ended and everyone went for dinner that was served as prasada (food that is considered holy, that is the rough translation).

I stayed back and chatted with his student who was recording everything he said on the tripod to edit it later and upload it. He remembered me from my interaction earlier and chatted for a bit. I helped them wind up and he handed over a case to me, instructung me to carry it on my head. When i arrived outside the empty hall, everyone started looking at me as it turns out the case contained Shree Narayana paduka. The sandals of Vishnu would be the english translation. most never get to see them despite years of deovtion I got to carry them so that was something. After that I talked to him for a bit and he told me to do well in life, act like a good devotee and meet him in prayagraj in January for my Janeu (sacred thread ceremony).

I felt amazing, it was the first time in over 18 months that I felt genuinely happy. The colleague of my father who arranged this meeting met me yesterday and told me that god has a plan for everyone, that I should just work and not give up on life given that something good will happen. This got me thinking about my first post I made in January of 2019 and how 4 months later I ended up being in the newspapers for my academic efforts, from a failure to a success of sorts.

The girl I had a oneitis for got a boyfriend and it hurt to hear that but in reality I am glad she is happy. Not getting with her forced me to discover the ways of PUA and that led to me finally not being bitter about women and life. I read this book called the Tyler Digest and two posts I recommend that everyone read from it are "Points of change" and "How you perceive the world".

Girls did not like me, this was not due to my looks (I look alright I think) or because of my status but because I was bitter and they could sense it. I have always had a superiority complex and in 2019 wanted a transfer outta the country because I thought that I was too cool for my uni, actively looked down on literally everyone i met and had a sense of entitlement to compensate for my own inferiority. It failed and now 3 years later, all the kids who I made fun of have job offers and here I am still a month or two away from hitting 200 questions on leetcode. I say this because I am glad that all these bad things happened to me. Bhagwan (hindi word for god) does everything for a purpose and I needed to taste the humble pie to see my shortcomings. I was kicked out of high school and went to do better than all my classmates, I lost the only girl I ever felt anything romantic for and now have the tools to never have issues with dating ever again, I may be down now but but I trust god that things will get better soon.

The two posts are about two important topics. The latter is what I will describe. My younger brother just began uni here and is extremely bitter about life so was mocking the priests but I could see that he did not hate them but rather like me, hated himself which made me re read these posts.How we see the world and other is a reflection of our own selves. This forum and everyone here has always, always said good things to me, at times when i was clearly wrong, genuinely depressed and likely saved my life. People saw the good in me that I was sure I did not have and that is because you people are good. The priests I met have all the reasons to act high and mighty yet they don't.

It is easy to judge others, call people losers and feel that I am higher value than them, my knee jerk reaction to sharing about anyone was trying to demean them so that they would seem less cool than me as my own sense of value is low.

A person who is high value does not act that way, there is some good in everyone we meet and no amount of tactics can make a girl like you as much as genuine happiness that leads to a fun and playful time with her.

The head priest, my father's colleague, my family, my psychiatrist, that girl I liked, all saw the good in me despite there being none and and today I am alive, getting to appreciate little moments of life.

Only Bhagwan can judge people, not me. There is good in everyone, bitterness is never good and there are ways to change this. I do not have any concrete progress this week but I am finally happy in life.

The hole in my heart has been filled, I accept my lowly place in society and am looking towards working my way up. I read Kierkegaard, Nietzsche etc was always sad, accepting that I will never be happy in my baseline but here I am actually happy just to be alive.

All those bad things I did were not so bad after all, I found god and I am glad he chose me. Puri has kept traditions that began thousands of years ago alive and these priests are the only Indians I know who are proud to be indian instead of copying euros. Indians copy them out of a complex that is why girls mock my religiosity. People speak English as a signaling mechanism of where they are socio economically and pick up whatever americans do to look cool, afterall, this is also why I refuse to watch sports or TV shows because it goes against my ideals. I was like this too but have changed quite a bit now given my recent insights. I am proud of my way of life, my forefathers, the culture they left and the ideals they want me to live by.

I have not cussed at, mocked or thought low of people since yesterday and life has been much better. I smile and feel happy just to be alive, just to be able to do all the things I can and to be where I am in life. Sure, I am still fucked in the short term but I finally feel at ease with life.

You are entitled to your labor, not the fruits it bears said Lord Krishna to Arjuna. Took me 2 decades to understand that.

So yeah, even though bad things happened, I got to see the head priest and my life changed completely. I still like that girl but that is more because of neediness, that is fine tho, I do have a feeling I will meet her someday, BF destroying is quite easy given I have done it before lol and I will be a tier 1 lothario after I manhandle the academic and discipline issues in my life starting now. Life has meaning. I look forward to studying and acting how Lord Krishna would want me to act. Instead of my oneitis, every song and thing reminds me of Lord Krishna. I am not lying when I say that. I feel happy.

I finally grew up.

May you find Bhagwan too, may all of us get the best that we deserve.

Narayana Narayana.

side note, I was in the dorms for the first time in my life past Friday for my department day, was out for cigarettes with my friend, we reminisced over our oneitits, hung out with others in the dorms and talked a lot. I do not smoke regularly but it was great. I had fun, slept in his room on the floor, it is the little things in life man, walking aimlessly at night and seeing others go about their life. I finally love uni.

Any tips on how to ensure I do not feel beat up after working out. I do 4 workouts a week in the morning (upper and lower split) using HIT and do 6 days of MMA for 6 days a week. I began last week and have terrible sleep and bad food habits so feel sore all the time. I have seen a reduction in my levels of soreness so just wanted to get some decent advice. I am a farily skinny rail untrained person and have in fact made progress whilst working out infinitely slower by fucking up my sleep previously so please lemme know what things I can and should expect and possible remedies. Thanks!

Long post - tl;dr - have never done anything hard in my life. Isolated, still living in my super dysfunctional family and voluntarily in a sabbatical to fix my CS fundamentals now for the next months, feel really low about myself with immense self doubt. Never met someone as lazy and ambitious as me so the disconnect between what I expected to have happened by age 22 and what actually is happening hurts to talk about. Now forced in a corner, I cannot muster any positive emotions and am drifting towards nihilism. Isolation is another factor which I really would appreciate tips on. I remember being told 2 years ago here that life will go on without me if I do not change, seeing that warning turning into reality has definitely shaken up things. How can one even cope with self worth in a world of billionaires where you have so many people better, more successful than you?

Some thoughts -

I feel dead on the inside, do not think I actually am smart enough to do anything and may be too late to the party. I cannot find any joy in food, porn, music, movies etc. Everything feels tasteless, this is despite being on prozac. A recurring pattern in my life is me hating isolation, not having any peers and being forced to do something hard with those two things happening simultaneously. Getting off of cram schools without ever studying a day always made me feel that I will have to pay for it by working like that some later time in my life so the Sabbatical is a voluntary step in that direction. Everyday I recoil with anger, horror, fear and envy when I see someone my age or slightly older or younger doing good things (like getting into Stanford for a second degree or publishing papers in journals that matter or partying in higher end places with a rad social circle, meeting models regularly or working a super interesting, respected job that is meaningful). A part of me wishes I could do those things but the remaining half sorta knows I will likely never make it given what has happened till now.

I have applied for a semester waiver for this semester( get my 4 year degree this summer without having to attend any classes, exams, labs starting next week) so that I can study full time without college o disturb me and save time, actually do something good. Real programming has scared me, I doubt myself each time I work but end up learning something new. Learning and working hard is by definition really really painful and never having done it before, living a life of just surfing all day has fried my brain to the point to only ever like things that are easy. I look at really really good guys and feel a sense of awe and sadness for I marvel at their ability but simultaneously subconsciously feel that I will never be good enough no matter what I do. No one can ever be like John Carmack but you can only know if you keep trying and competence is its own reward so always right to do these things, hope that you get so good that you enjoy them.

Regardless, I just hope I succeed with this. I will also take up a combat sport in some time as the only thing I will do for the entirety of my day is study, work out and sleep, no classes or exams and whatnot. Programming itself is not bad, no matter how tired, bad I may feel starting work has a wierd effect where once I begin, I can feel everything else disappear and bang out some code only to actually feel tired for real when I do a few hours of it (2 or so for now but can push to 5 or 6 maybe?) which is something I feel only when I work. There is happiness, satisfaction at the end of a hard day of work where I like having learnt new things and feel good about myself for not doing what I do by default which is to never do fuck all. Developing actual skills is like developing a chiseled physique in the sense you must do the thing hard enough, long enough without breaks only to see results in a few months. The first few weeks is just pain but the payoff is otherworldly. I have felt some of it recently and it felt great. Like waking up from an opium dream to a reality that feels cleaner, more vivid but also better.

Some Developments in life -

On the 9th of March, a day after Holi I will get my sacred thread (Janeu). It is a highly respected thing which only a small minority of the country can wear. I feel immense pride in being born into a lineage that traces its origin to divinity. The thread means that you are a twice born, born once from the womb of your mother and the second happens when you take your Janeu. It is something that very clans can take up and despite the gloomy nature of the post below, knowing that I will be the first in my family to revive the tradition is heartwarming. My recent ancestors did not get theirs so my family's lineage will now have my name in it as those who will take up the sacred thread will do so under my name (or so I was told) which is very touching. I was told not to post here and that was honestly great advice given I would simply lie about my progress and would post just to get some semblance of validation from the internet as real life is too dull.

Recently, more specifically, today I have been feeling really low. I also got paralettes (bars for push ups) for push ups and have started doing Timed Static Contractions (a form of isometrics) now. The real bottleneck for everything fucking me up is sleeping on time and electronic distractions as I have had some really good days where I felt great and had no screen time besides work, slept on time. Getting off of sleep meds so will just take prozac and staretta, I hallucinate on ambien sometimes and think about my oneitis who is dating someone seriously now. Deep down I feel that I will never get anyone better but then again, why not date someone who is rich or has a settled life instead of me. My city has played a huge part in this as she lives in the capital whereas my town barely has anything and feels like a retirement home. I do not meet interesting, attractive people ever at all and this is not just me being someone with a superiority complex, someone young is better off in a metropolis with other young people instead of the sandy land of Rajasthan. My GPA is super low at a 6.77 out of 10 but I am just glad uni will get over soon. I hate, fucking hate it with all my passion and have met better people here than in uni.

Sabbatical -

My uni taught me fuck all. The exams, labs, classes were all a LARP and a bad one at that, something others here can attest about Indian higher education, all I got was 4 years worth of wasted time and a college life I will forever hate. I have decided to take a sabbatical of at least six months after university ends to fix the holes in my CS knowledge and decompress from all the trauma I got at uni. I have good people I found as mentors via the internet helping me out in learning key fundamentals from ground up properly (Computer Architecture, Discrete Math, Data Structures in C etc etc) and will end it with a capstone project so that I not only have the fundamentals required but also a fixed direction.

My mental health is in the gutter in all honesty. All I have ever wanted is to leave my home for a better life but somehow I find myself in prolonged isolation yet again. My town is way way too small, the only decent uni here is mine and I cannot befriend more people or see any girls for now as I take my sabbatical seriously.

I finally did nearly finish my first proper notebook since 10th grade which is an achievement for me, finally.

I aim to get a remote gig from some firm based in the west by the end of this year that pays me well and have actual fucking skills to make things that matter instead of just cramming questions off of leetcode because that is the extent of what I have seen in my uni for all 4 years.

Even during such times of extreme nihilism, I would much rather die than work a 9 to 5 job here where I commute long distances for a job where i deal with office politics from people who pretend to be intellectuals on Indian tech twitter.

Remote jobs or migration are the only two things I wish for.

My mind was dead when I began writing the post but I feel better after having written this out. My friends and mentors grill the fuck out of me daily and weekly with progress reports so at least I have that going for me. I miss my oneitis, the big reason for wanting to move out is to meet better women than her, by the hundreds. Sure that is not the main reason, that is obviously bettering my career but most Megacities have both. She was nice to me so I still wish her well but I really still want to at least spend one night with her irl. I have always have had needy one sided crushes since forever so I need to work on myself too.

Also the online world, the screen, the internet, TV, my brain, none of that is real. The more I work and the less time I spend with all of these things, the better I feel. Sure my mentors and friends who help me out are all online but I will get a dumb phone. I study in my Unis library which is a 20-30 commute away from my house and turn on gather.town so that my friends can check my work and my screen. Adds another layer of safety. Also will try out the book focusing by gendlin which is about self therapy of sorts. Just need to stick to a routine long enough and all should be fine.

Will post updates next. Take care!

I am not doing well at all, I pulled my first 14-hour day a few days ago, it was not clean at all but I went from doing nothing to actually being somewhat better than what I thought I could be, from 0 hours per week to 40 plus. I have to implement this paper on Spectrograms and train some models (Deep learning stuff) and so far the pre-processing part has been kicking my ass and the deadline of the weekend has made me go nuts. I cannot sleep, all I think about is failing this assignment and never making it to the lab I want to work in. I do not want to work the lower paying jobs in the Indian market and wanted to pursue this Deep Learning thing full time, My undergrad got over a few weeks ago and I took the plunge. The research position pays peanuts and I would happily work for free or pay out of my own shallow pockets to work on the kind of stuff that I wish to work on but alas.

I am still working out, I am close to 157 lbs (I began at 145 and at maybe the same level of body fat percentage at 6 foot, totally untrained, still look the same though) and even did MMA for a while. Life just keeps getting worse, I see all my classmates from high school and uni lapping me and getting into great grad schools, partying, enjoying life whilst I am anxious, doing as much work as I can and still failing. My bad decisions have caught up to me but I had to take a day off totally as I was too stressed and too tired to work.

My life sounds like a broken record but the harder I try to fix these things, the more pain I feel. What if I do not get this gig and have to hear my parents and everyone I know scream at me and mock me for trying to get to grad school or trying something like research? It haunts me, I have never worked, studied or even been productive in my life and when I try my hardest I get hit with worse outcomes. My doctor diagnosed me with ulcers due to high amounts of stress and each day I hate myself more, the only reason why I do not hate myself as much as I should is that I try my hardest. Deep Learning stuff is quite fun too, I find the jupyter environment and training models way more fun than anything I ever learned in uni. Udemy and Fastai are great tools.

With no phone, no girls, no social life, no surfing as I blocked everything on my browser or any other distractions, I have been trying this for 2 weeks and can feel tired and helpless. Even really scared of posting about it here or to my friends as I am a frequent liar of sorts so it is reasonable to be skeptical Plus I am not exactly a blood relative that anyone would care beyond a point. Everyone thinks I am a fuck up who would pick garbage and see me as the village idiot. No one else will implement the paper for me and my problems are my own but I always thought that if I worked hard enough some day, I would feel proud of myself but that was fleeting as the next day I realised how much harder this thing was.

Please do not judge me, I am scared and each day I feel worse about my own life. I am sorry. I wish I were more competent but I am finally trying and I just hope that I get my break in a good lab and more importantly that I do get good at the deep learning stuff. The lab is not the main thing here, my not being good enough is and I hope I get there soon.

My favorite fast food has to be McDonalds. Something about the filet o fish and the rest of the burgers. Taco Bell is kinda meh.

Is there any Indian fast food joint in the western world btw?

Does anyone here have any experience with psychiatric drugs like ambien, prozac and axepta with viviloref. My skin doctor makes me consume finasteride, fish oil and biokap for my hair (I have decent hair but was thinning, the thinning has stopped now so I am glad I took action on this soon as now I will not lose hair). Obviously minoxidil plus fin solution twice a day too.

The main aim this week is to keep both my workout and study journal handy and update them honestly daily. Ambien does cause some issues but imo is it more of my fault as I take it at different times and hence also have little consistency with my axepta and prozac (take both in the morning).

Anyway, will refrain from long rants. Measured my 1rpm today and shall begin 531 from tomorrow. I still have urges to not study, be lazy, surf the internet all day or to check the ig of my oneitis but at least I do something daily. Tracking it would give me more accountability so should be a good exercise. That way I can pinpoint what causes inconsistency and modify that behavior.

Obviously there is some pent up frustration within me. I have a lot of advantages over a lot of my peers simply because I have competent people irl guiding me, I still feel bad at times about my oneitis. I hate grinding, being alone and having to work but on the other hand, this is what makes you aryan. Life will always have these issues and running away never helps with that. I just needed to vent that. I do not tell my friends about that girl, it is kinda silly but I do not want to lie, at least not on the only place where I can be honest.

The greeks worked out not just because it made you look better and higher class but also it makes you better on the inside, the main reward hence is the betterment of who you are. Physical culture makes you better inside with the muscles just being a side effect of a better mind. This may also be why even today, Greek or roman sculptures are more pleasing to the human eye than anything else, Not only can you look like them (the later stages did see the statues getting exaggerated to a point of absurdity) but they also showcase bodies that are capable and I genuinely find that appealing. All my mockery or low thoughts about others get washed away after I take an objective look at my own performance after a hard day in either of these two.

You have to get used to pain and learn to develop an instinct for finishing tasks, I would justify stuff by telling myself that since I am trying my best, I do not need to track things as the day to day inconsistency would make me feel bad. Progress however is consistently positive and tracking helps you visualize that. If you track things, you know if you are failing or not, there is no vagueness to it, an objective review of three months of daily review will take one further than working till you cannot anymore without tracking.

Definitely learnt this and the part about having a killer instinct the hard way. A good person or rather those who do well get disproportionally more for just being slightly ahead of those behind them, similarly, doing slightly more work each day so that you actually hit targets does more than just leaving something at 90 percent. You get 100 percent rewards at 100 percent and 0 at 90. Sure it is good practice to do 90 over 0 but at this point, I should be able to know what realistic goals are, what my daily and weekly work capacity is and how much I can expect to improve.

I am glad that I know this now lol. Just writing it down since I will read this post later in the future to look back on the time when I started tracking things. It takes one action to have massive impact on you, visiting a decent club did more for me than many months of reading or texting so I expect much from tracking stuff transparently and consistently.

Have a great week!

Dune Part 2 was the last movie I saw in theatres and cannot recommend it enough. It is similar to LOTR in the sense that it is able to showcase a lot of loyalty to one's aristocracy or ruling clans in a way that all people can relate to. The movie is majestic, grand, an epic in the real sense. I loved Javier Bardem the most and recommend everyone to go watch it.

I will be listening to a lot of house and trance music from the 2010s, not super mainstream stuff but rather somewhat mainstream so Anjunabeats and all. As a teenager, I did not like my classmates at all so I spent a lot of time listening to dance music and back then my attention was not as fucked. I remember listening to Aviciis BBC Radio 1 essential mix, seeing Swedish house mafia disband (in hindsight their music was not even good) and overall got to hear a ton of really good tracks. Listening to music in your room is a relaxing affair, I intend to do it this weekend.

I was also at a wedding a few weeks ago where me and a guy I met there downed more than a bottle of tequila in under 6 hours with zero side effects so it is a great liquor lol. I was at quite a few weddings every weekend with two being those of my cousins, danced a lot at the second one and honestly, I really like dancing now, I get why people visit nightclubs, besides the part about meeting other attractive people. not much besides, my startup journey is far more complex than I thought it would be, making my uni issues seem inconsequential but I am positive. I am still depressed like today I saw my former oneitis (now a functioning cokehead) in my dreams taunting me about the amount of drugs and dudes shes been with since I stopped talking to her but I will be fine, I'm reading Eguenge Gendlins focusing and hopefully, that should aid me.

Have a great weekend folks, I wish I could post more and I plan to soon. themotte honestly played a much larger part in shaping my worldview than my uni mates since I got here in 2019 as a high school drop out and I find it wild that it has been half a decade. I hope this place does not die off.

Would a weekly thread that is about women be worthwhile @CSpitz?

Edit - edited the FR, it is linked for those who want to read the field report.

I went to a nightclub for the first time last saturday and had a blast. I made out with/danced/ felt four different girls and three of them complied with less than 2 minutes of me asking them to do it.

I was just gonna see my date for coffee at this hipster coffee place, she got late so I talked to two other girls and got her number as well.

Later went to that nightclub place and had fun. I got blocked by 2 of the 4 girls who did touch me but that is fine.

Main takeway is that I am now in a state of abundance, as in I have tasted it myself and will never be desperate for girls. Earlier I would just cry over getting blocked but now I do not care as I know I will find better and many many many more of them later so focusing on careermaxxing for remote ML or Quant jobs is the right path as I will miss out on the club here but will be able to do this in posh areas in the capital later.

Once you taste it, you are different, I have changed as a person completely and hope you all experience this.

P.S. The field report is linked and is on my profile. The field report contains the details of the interactions so please if you get the time, do read them and let me know what you feel. https://old.reddit.com/user/practical_romantic/comments/xwf3y7/fr_first_night_at_a_club_and_some_daygame/

Religiosity, Abundance and internal motivation have made my life much better. Do read and provide feedback. Action beats everything, just being there in field helped me grow up and have more fun than all of the reading ever did. Overall quite fun, something changed inside me, a switch was flipped, I know that I can get all girls and hence do not need to worry about them now at all since I have better things to do.

No lol, I have slept with women and I can sleep with them. I just do not hit on ones who are like my mom, very traditional, I do not do it because I like being friend-zoned lol, on the contrary, I am somewhat decent at pickup, I just share a bond with this girl because she is religious and I do not want to be someone who sleeps with her.

I friend-zoned her and a few other traditional conservative girls the first time we interacted because I know how much sleeping with a guy impacts them, that is just how some feel in my religion. Sleeping with girls who are really chaste is something I see as a sin, maybe I am weird. I do not have issues with those who sleep around, I just only sleep with them and not ones who are chaste.

My oneitis is a different girl altogether and even she had not friend-zoned me but I did fuck up big time with her.

Saw Mission Impossible 7. It was a good movie but I did not like it as much as John Wick 4 or the previous MI movies, maybe it is just action movie fatigue setting in. I sorta have been finding it harder and harder to actually find any joy in most activities but still recommend that others watch the movie. Cruise is in his 60s and still performs some of the most dangerous stunts one can, that too without having the need to do them. Have to respect that immensely. I saw the movie on the first of its release and did enjoy it. It is a two part finale so they left it on a sort of ambiguous ending.

I will also meet a few friends for coffee this Sunday. Has been a while since I have had coffee, the place I kinda intern at has an instant automated espresso maker of sorts and I have to admit that I quite like the taste of it so looking forward to visiting a coffee shop. I just avoid going to any and all places in my town as my mind just hates me for taking time off and enjoying life because of how far behind I am thanks to my bad habits so hopefully I will be able to enjoy a peaceful Sunday and recharge myself.

I have my final mid terms of my life (at least ug) this week and they only have two technical subjects so all should be fine. I watched nearly all DC Animated movies and here are the ones I would recommend.

  • Batman - The Long Halloween (part 1 and 2) - This is peak batman, not just bruce wayne in all his different forms but even the batman and his rogues gallery in all their forms. It is a detective story with great action and real cosnequences set in a world of gotham with Godfather like aesthetics.

  • Batman - The Dark Knight Rises (1 and 2) - Classic, watch them both.

  • All-Star Superman - Quintessential Superman story which deals with death in a very mature way. A story worth watching imo

  • Batman - The Mask of the Phantasm

  • Batman - Under the Red Hood - Amazing movie, classic storyline that will actually make you hate Batman and his morals.

  • Batman - Gotham by Gaslight - Victorian Era Batman who fights a killer. The setting alone makes it worth watching

  • Batman - Assault on Arkham - Good brainless action done right

  • Constantine - City of Demons - Worth a watch

  • Justice Leage Dark Apokolips War - Pretty good

  • The Batman (Tetrology?) - Bunch of movies like batman vs robin, etc look em up on wikipedia, not that good but worth watching just once.

  • Justice League - The Flashpoint Paradox - I hate the new 52 that happened due to this even but the storyline is good, deals with loss, mortality and the finiteness of time, how trauma breaks people.

Most if not all comic book movies, hell most movies seem childish now since I watched one every day, sometimes 4 or 5 a day. I have a projector in my room that I fire up when I wish to watch movies and watched these alongside the Dark Knight Trilogy and the new Batman. All 4 are great movies. The best comic book stories are ones that are not supernatural but with mortals who have a sense of fear, grief, loss and finally some catharsis of some sort. Daredevil the Netflix show, punisher and some comics are in this very list.

Marvel has better storylines than DC in many cases yet DC does a good job putting its stories in these animated movies. Some of them are R Rated too I guess. Ngl, Animated Selina Kyle is genuinely super super attractive to the point where I cannot like a live action version of her (hated all of them actually) and the animated one is just perfect.

Comic book movies are for children at the end of the day, watch enough movies and the fatigue sets in quick but these all are worth watching at least once if not more and provide good entertainment.

My father is a professor at my uni and is well liked by his students and colleagues. My relationship with him is extremely strained but regardless, I do not appreciate incidents like the one I am about to describe just now.

I had the end term examinations of the 7th semester and skipped the first two since I suffered from a sudden burst of anxiety as I had just returned home the day before the exams so filed for medical re examinations. Of my four exams, I skipped the first two and applied for re exams as i had medical certification from the doctor. Today was my Machine Learning re exam and the teacher was extremely pissed at me. She took it out on my father and said things I genuinely never thought one colleague would say about another. Some of them included

  • He is mentally challenged and you did the right thing by keeping him here as some dumbass like him would have flunked outta any uni besides ones with you begging other faculties to give him passing grades

  • Your son is the village idiot incapable of ever landing a job, everyone in the uni laughs at him for being so dumb, he will never get a job so better start looking for some menial job for him

  • Everyone laughs at you too and make him give exams on time as he would get a d grade at max in all of them anyway so it will not waste everyone's time.

  • He is extremely boastful and unfit for education. You should not have sent him to uni.

Uni selections in India are centralized and done via exams like the JEE, similar to goakao where you only get admitted based on the marks you score. I was featured in the newspapers twice since I was quite successful, to the point where I was in the 99.9xx percentile in one and literally 100 percentile in another, even received an award from the state for it. My academic credentials were better than anyone my age in my batch and I chose this place because of my father, no other reason besides that. I am not that low iq, at least that is what I think.

Now, I am by all objective markers a failure, but still, her stating this is not what I found severely hurtful despite my thick skin but rather her talking down to my father and being very smug about it is what did it.

Sure I want to get the fuck away from my abusive and dysfunctional family but they are still my family. No one should ever do what she did, if she cares about me, she could have had a conversation way before and in private, tried to ask me whether I was fine. In case she does not care, she could have simply just not cared and not given my father a scathing monologue, painting me as a special needs kid who is genetically inferior and should hence be locked away and kept safe from the outside world.

There have only been very few moments in my life I have found to be as hurtful and this was perhaps the worst. Getting photos from girls I had a thing for and seeing them with other dudes or even flunking high school (yeah, I went from 0th to 100th percentile in one year) did not hurt as this did.

In case you know someone who slacks, try talking to them, do not wait for things to nearly end like my degree will in a few months and then act smug in front of their helpless parents. Her kids are doing very well in life and I really have not felt this low in a while. I have been on ssris for a few months and in a rut forever but at this point a part of me feels that she is right and that I should just give up and die. My father despite all my issues with him does not deserve such ridicule and embarrassment.

Me since age 16, I am 23 now, co-founder of a startup and I am stuck in my room all day. I want to move back to Gurugram where I can occasionally visit nightclubs but even that feels futile, I feel empty when not working and that makes me less likely to work, its a vicious feedback loop. Everything feels empty, I never have enough energy to work and cannot feel happy whenever I am back in my hometown.

Even going to nightclubs is now hard since I recently discovered what STDs are and feel bad. It is a strange phenomenon, I would greatly appreciate if anyone had any advice on how to feel fulfilled when working on a long-term goal or being an adult, is it just meditation or what?

I did not, I friend-zoned her as as soon as I met her as I do not sleep with traditional women and never wanted to sleep with her, I meet women and am decent at pickup lol.

I saw LOTR extended edition, Cyberpunk Edgerunners and John Wick 4 whilst I was on my brief hiatus away from this place and shall write a short review of all three in hopes of encouraging all to watch them.

Lord of the rings (extended edition)

LOTR trilogy is fantastic. The very fact that a trilogy like this one was made with top tier actors, visuals, award wins and box office numbers is a big W for everyone. Harry Potter novels were something I liked quite a bit as an 8th grader as my ma brought a few of their books from her library before diwali break and I loved reading them. I never paid much attention to LOTR, Narnia or GOT because I never felt that I would like them. As I grew up, I could understand the not so subtle ways Rowling tries to show people who like traditional values as the villain and also how it was frankly a series for children. LOTR did the opposite, when I finished watching all 12 hours of it, I felt appreciative of atavistic values like honor, duty, loyalty to your flag. It makes you see why these things are beautiful, why many of our forefathers lived by certain codes, the reason for it being people valuing these things more than their own life at many points. I am not a Christian, far from it and Hindu theology is very different from the kind you find among Abrahamic religions yet I cant not appreciate the work of Tolkien. I had not read the books but I sure as hell wish to now. Tolkien through his fantasy land builds a narrative that shows us some high human values that may sound wishy washy or woo woo given how spiritual things may be looked down. The trilogy is just amazing.

Cyberpunk Edgerunners

If you have a gf, watch this with her as this show hits you in the feels, I have a no gf rule due to reasons people know of. I got into this anime because I saw the music video of the theme song "I really wanna stay at your house". It takes place nearly a year before the events of the cyberpunk 2077 game. The protagonist is one 18 year old david martinez and the show is a 10 episode journey of his rise from a poor studious prodigy to one of the top mercenaries of Night City. It is heartbreaking, bittersweet and overall a show you have to watch. Also that track alone is worth it.

John Wick 4

Watch this in theatres, best action choreography I have seen in a movie, it is better than all three before it and I am really glad I got to see it in theatres. Just sheer carnage, glorious violence, I wish to be as fluent with math and CS as Wick is with violence. Great great movie.

Diwali this Monday, it is the most important Hindu festival and celebrates the homecoming of Lord Ram after a 14 year exodus which ended with his victory over Ravana. My city will have a bunch of pretty lights, people travel back home to be with their family. One of the main rituals is Lakshmi Puja where you offer prayers to Goddess Lakshmi, the wife of Lord Vishnu (Lord Ram is the human reincarnation of Lord Vishnu, he appears on earth whenever sin crosses a threshold).

Most pajeets would use this week long holiday to have a diwali party where they do not pray but just copy Anglos and get drunk and fool around. I have immense respect for anglos, I just find this to be super distasteful. The purpose of the festival is the worship of your deities and a celebration of the longest unbroken culture on the planet, unfortunately, Indians have a deep rooted inferiority complex which makes them look down on anything religious. People are lefty not just because of India never having had a single decent intellectual in the realm of political science but because of plain signaling. It does hurt to see, the only worth you have in society is based on your affluence or sex. Higher values have been forgotten which is also why everyone drinks. I am not a saint, I just cannot indulge in bad behaviors on such a holy day. There are higher and lower values, virtues, qualities etc that most would recognize. I enjoy would love to be more affluent, date more and better girls in a large town but my main identity will always be defined by Vaishnavism, my job, the virtues and qualities I want to develop are important to me because they are what makes a good life, the material and physical benefits are secondary rewards. I want to be better at academics or be a good physical culturalist or do the other things that would make up a good life because the process of doing these things is what I am supposed to do according to my scriptures. Praying is not fun yet I cannot name a single activity that calms me down and offers peace like offering prayers does. It does not make me better than others or anyone else, but it does make me feel a tad morose about the condition of society today and how far behind my civilization is, where everyone has to play these status games, intentionally or not.

People in my city pool together money to put up lights on their stores, overall it is a good time to be in my city. Always good to see the unroken chain of culture living among people. my grandfather visists the city palace as he is the titular feudal lord of his area under the Royal family. We all buy new clothes, sweets, put lights on our ancient house (haveli of sorts, built over a 100 years ago without any bricks lol). Ma fries up some season specific foods, people go out at night in the city to see the lights and burst crackers as that is a holy ritual (do not listen to pajeets who tell you it is not, head priests have clarified this thing). The festival is the peak of our happiness. I have fond memories of playing Batman Arkham games during this time of the year and lighitng hundreds of clay lamps the traditonal way with oil and putting them in various parts of the house.

Regardless, I will spend the week thanking the Gods for letting me live the life that I do, the life my family and clan enjoys. Most people do not get to have what I have, being thankful for it makes life much better.

I have also started adding 2 hours of mandatory hours of leisure in my day, I usually read theology or read blogs like the zvi(liked just two posts tho, slack and the one about doing hard stuff) and others (mostly Jim wendler, Steve Maxwell, Guzey etc). It is a good way of ensuring that I am efficient with my work.

I will also try to watch UFC 280, good card.

Happy Diwali to themotte, hopefully by next one, I will have the life I want, I most likely will but for now, just blessed to have what I do have. Life is short, smile while you can. Despite all my hatred for the Indian elites, seeing the priests and normal people doing their best this season is a massive whitepill. Me doing well in life would help others see my way of life as cool so all the more reasons to keep trying. Sure every government and political party is actively trying to stop us from celebrating but fuck them, most of us are shameless and would happily burst crackers.

See you all next week.

Jai Shree Ram

got zero hours of work done and worked out twice.

I could have lied by adding work done after sunday but that is wrong, these reports shall contain only stuff I do in the previous week's sunday and not Wednesday.

My main issue has to be not sleeping on time despite ambien, everything else trickles down from that. Ambien is super powerful so have to take that into consideration.

Sure I had school projects , family issues etc etc but excuses, good ones or bad one are still excuses.

Downvote the fuck out of comments where I do not show progress.

I did resume working out, hurts like hell, quite humbling, I lost 12 lbs or 5 kgs worth of wait but my waist is somehow smaller, quite weird.

The downvotes and negative jibes help me a ton so do not hold back.

Until Next week

My post this week is a but different from the usual things. As a child I never really liked my family, my father would scream and shout at me and my younger brother daily with a really high frequency. I felt that this was normal yet it didn't somehow stop, ever, at all.

My family is dysfunctional, very very dysfunctional to the point where I hate living with them. Most people, most of my religious sentiments live in their ancestral houses forever with joint families, elders and whatnot but I just can't imagine doing any of that. The kind of unease I feel around my family when we sit down to eat our meals alongwith constant interruptions when I code in my room have forced me to commute daily to my unis library just to not be around them.

My ma stuck with her marriage because here marriages are decided by the elders and even though she didn't like it, her reason to stick by was because she felt that leaving would bring shame to her late father's name in their town.

Again, this isn't my way of blaming my family for my shortcomings rather just my acceptance of the fact that none of us are happy. My parents and grandfather have loved their life and have nothing besides screens left in their life, same for my brother who is fairly slow mentally and hence spends his days doing what I'd do but under exponentially worse circumstances.

Hinduism unlike other cultures ensured that traditional values remain alive with rituals and traditions. My life derives all it's meaning from my religious beliefs, I wish to some day have a family of my own too (not anytime soon tho lol) but it is kinda ironic that the religious guy who encourages others towards traditions is also the one wpuld run away the second he can.

My sabbatical will last six months, I knowingly took a decision to take it so that I could fix my knowledge gaps, prepare better for the future and ready myself for a far better quality of jobs. Most importantly develop actual skills and figure out what I like, am good at etc etc.

When I was first asked to consider one by my mentor, mt response was that I'd rather slit my wrists than stay back in this dysfunctional house in my dead town but I later realised the upsides. I'm posting here just to cope. My family fights during dinner and my grandfather who's hard if hearing at 90 watches, feeling morose over what he witnesses. He was in all honesty a much much worsw father. During todays episode, he asked me about why there was so much turmoil today, stating he doesn't much like what he sees but being in a bad mood, I responded by stating that it's his fault6too since he too was a terrible father. Surprisingly, my old grandfather nodded and agreed with my assessment, stating he wished he could do it differently.

There are skme nights where I pass by his room and hear him cursing his own parents in his sleep and seeing a man who's 90 having so much bitterness over this stuff does make me feel bad.

I'm not as young as I was once I began posting here and I already have many many things I regret very deeply. I learnt a lot from every single mistake but uts did cause significant problems. My GPA is terrible (slightly below 3 in the US scale of 4, 6.77 out of 10 to be exact) but besides that, not many things that Ibhave done will have permanent negative consequences forever, however as time passes, it'll just mean more of my decisions will matter.

Regardless, my time in my house is coming to an end flr this chapter of my life as I will move out. I wish I could have saved my brother, my whole family honestly but I can't.

Anyone who's read my entries here is familiar with my obsession with this one girl I met via the internet and could never get over despite never meeting her etc etc. My oneitis in internet lingo, one of the reasons why I liked her was because she was jubilant, truly jubilant, always happy with a genuinely loving family where shebhad a great relationship with her parents, her siblings plus she looks somewhat like my mom. In fact she does remind me of my mom but one who grew up under better circumstances without having to experience brief bouts of poverty and seeing her father die at a young age only for her family to bounce back. Maybe in my mind I saw a lot of what I like in my mom in her, psychologically and physically.

At this point I don't want to fight with my parents, I understand that they're a product of their times but I also am afraid that Ibtoo may end up like they did with boring careers forced on by their family living ablife where the only change is screens (TV, phones etc). They did their best yet somehow my cursed home didn't help us out. The reason why I try out things like isometrics and whatnot is the fear of ageing like my parents, of becoming like them someday. Seeing my grandfather struggle with literally everything makes me reconsider a lot of things.

I see the appeal of life as a young person in a large city, you meet so many new people, can work on careers, academics, visit nightclubs etc etc, things I like, I haven't done them enough but I genuinely love the fact that I am young, for now as I cannot and do not wish to be like, well like my parents. Despite my love for them, I do not wish to grow old, decay at a bad pace leading a life confined ti stagnation. The dynamic change life offers to me at my age is very exciting. It's life affirming, it really is. That probably is a big reason why many here are haopy to help me out as they perhaps see a slight sliver of themselves in me or more likely just wish wellbfor others, hoping they don't make the same mistakes.

I'm a much better programmer now and other things but these fights in my house take away any and all good feelings I have for days. My envy for that girl grows because I wish I got to have a relatively peaceful family life. Uni being trash despite its prestige is something I can cope with but family is permanent, you are after all a representative, a descendant of your ancestors.

Regardless, I am in the middle of my final mid terms, my internship has allowed me to get this semester waived so I'll be able to study full time, bang out code and fix my gaps.

It feels like yesterday that I discovered this place during my first few days in uni or before that and now I'm officially gonna be an engineer. Time goes by fast, I really did want my sabbatical to go fast too but I want to slow it down, as bad as my family is, it's still my family and I hope my last few months here before I leave for greener pastures are better.

I have been on it for three months now and it does help quite a bit. I will do as the psychiatrist says. I tell him what i feel and he gives me prescriptions. The prozac is more for my adhd than anything as I am not someone who is very depressed.

but I am absolutely blown away by your motivation and drive given you are taking prozac and ambien

lol thanks pal, I got super lucky in life and will fucking kill myself to get better. The only way I can be a good devotee is by good actions, if by next year, same time, I have all that I want or rather have genuinely done all that I can, then maybe I think I would be worthy of any praise, not till then. People go through much worse than me and still succeed, I can do that too.