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practical_romantic


				

				

				
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joined 2022 September 08 06:32:40 UTC

Pretending to be a cs undergrad.


				

User ID: 975

practical_romantic


				
				
				

				
2 followers   follows 2 users   joined 2022 September 08 06:32:40 UTC

					

Pretending to be a cs undergrad.


					

User ID: 975

Long and important post about my interaction with the head priest, likely the most important religious figure alive and some other important thoughts about life. Maybe one of the most important posts I have written. tl;dr I found god and finally am happy :).

I got to visit the Shankaracharya ji of Puri. Shankaracharya is the title given to the head priest. There are 4 Mathas(Monasteries of sorts) for Hindus, each assigned one of the 4 vedas, with Puri being assigned the Rig Veda.

He arrived on Monday and leaves today. I have been listening to their YouTube channel (Govardhan Math) where his public interactions are put up for the world to see and was hence excited to finally see him in flesh.

I arrived early at 11 and he was busy at the time so I could not meet him but I did get to interact with one of his young students. His student was tall, fairly lanky and good looking. His head was shaved with just a shikha (some hair at the middle of the head tied up). He was dressed in white robes instead of the usual saffron with white tikas on his body. He was also an engineer who was in a uni as good as mine for his undergrad (i am at a low tier 1 uni in India) who later went to the best Indian uni for his grad school (IIT Kanpur). His first question on knowing that I was an engineer in my final year was about my job situation lol.

I talked with him for a good bit and he was extremely nice to me. He saw the good in me, the kind I did not think I possessed and told me to focus on sorting my life instead of becoming a monk given I am not a brahmin and my role in this world is to hence lead the life of a family, in fact that most brahmins themselves should not become monks. My role is to become good at my craft and help others like him with the preservation of our customs. He was very youthful yet felt extremely grounded and wise beyond his years.

I got back home given that Shankaracharya ji would begin his public interaction at 5 pm, studied some nlp and later went back again to see him. I finally got there and was able to meet other great priests of high knowledge who were extraordinarily humble. One introduced me to Aditya Vahani, a group of sorts that organises these events nationiwde for the matha and do so despite not even having an office. The young people there were very competent and took me as thier own, we later went to the hall and the program began.

Shankracharya ji was greeted with the chanting of ancient mantras, likely the vedas of some sorts and sat on the stage with everyone else sitting below as a sign of respect.

People asked him questions about many different things, from personal issues to politics to theology and he was quick witted, erudite beyond belief and always courteous in his responses. I asked him about whether the Kali yuga is inevtiable and he replied back stating that a good monarch can stop it.

He answered questions for 2 hours after which the event ended and everyone went for dinner that was served as prasada (food that is considered holy, that is the rough translation).

I stayed back and chatted with his student who was recording everything he said on the tripod to edit it later and upload it. He remembered me from my interaction earlier and chatted for a bit. I helped them wind up and he handed over a case to me, instructung me to carry it on my head. When i arrived outside the empty hall, everyone started looking at me as it turns out the case contained Shree Narayana paduka. The sandals of Vishnu would be the english translation. most never get to see them despite years of deovtion I got to carry them so that was something. After that I talked to him for a bit and he told me to do well in life, act like a good devotee and meet him in prayagraj in January for my Janeu (sacred thread ceremony).

I felt amazing, it was the first time in over 18 months that I felt genuinely happy. The colleague of my father who arranged this meeting met me yesterday and told me that god has a plan for everyone, that I should just work and not give up on life given that something good will happen. This got me thinking about my first post I made in January of 2019 and how 4 months later I ended up being in the newspapers for my academic efforts, from a failure to a success of sorts.

The girl I had a oneitis for got a boyfriend and it hurt to hear that but in reality I am glad she is happy. Not getting with her forced me to discover the ways of PUA and that led to me finally not being bitter about women and life. I read this book called the Tyler Digest and two posts I recommend that everyone read from it are "Points of change" and "How you perceive the world".

Girls did not like me, this was not due to my looks (I look alright I think) or because of my status but because I was bitter and they could sense it. I have always had a superiority complex and in 2019 wanted a transfer outta the country because I thought that I was too cool for my uni, actively looked down on literally everyone i met and had a sense of entitlement to compensate for my own inferiority. It failed and now 3 years later, all the kids who I made fun of have job offers and here I am still a month or two away from hitting 200 questions on leetcode. I say this because I am glad that all these bad things happened to me. Bhagwan (hindi word for god) does everything for a purpose and I needed to taste the humble pie to see my shortcomings. I was kicked out of high school and went to do better than all my classmates, I lost the only girl I ever felt anything romantic for and now have the tools to never have issues with dating ever again, I may be down now but but I trust god that things will get better soon.

The two posts are about two important topics. The latter is what I will describe. My younger brother just began uni here and is extremely bitter about life so was mocking the priests but I could see that he did not hate them but rather like me, hated himself which made me re read these posts.How we see the world and other is a reflection of our own selves. This forum and everyone here has always, always said good things to me, at times when i was clearly wrong, genuinely depressed and likely saved my life. People saw the good in me that I was sure I did not have and that is because you people are good. The priests I met have all the reasons to act high and mighty yet they don't.

It is easy to judge others, call people losers and feel that I am higher value than them, my knee jerk reaction to sharing about anyone was trying to demean them so that they would seem less cool than me as my own sense of value is low.

A person who is high value does not act that way, there is some good in everyone we meet and no amount of tactics can make a girl like you as much as genuine happiness that leads to a fun and playful time with her.

The head priest, my father's colleague, my family, my psychiatrist, that girl I liked, all saw the good in me despite there being none and and today I am alive, getting to appreciate little moments of life.

Only Bhagwan can judge people, not me. There is good in everyone, bitterness is never good and there are ways to change this. I do not have any concrete progress this week but I am finally happy in life.

The hole in my heart has been filled, I accept my lowly place in society and am looking towards working my way up. I read Kierkegaard, Nietzsche etc was always sad, accepting that I will never be happy in my baseline but here I am actually happy just to be alive.

All those bad things I did were not so bad after all, I found god and I am glad he chose me. Puri has kept traditions that began thousands of years ago alive and these priests are the only Indians I know who are proud to be indian instead of copying euros. Indians copy them out of a complex that is why girls mock my religiosity. People speak English as a signaling mechanism of where they are socio economically and pick up whatever americans do to look cool, afterall, this is also why I refuse to watch sports or TV shows because it goes against my ideals. I was like this too but have changed quite a bit now given my recent insights. I am proud of my way of life, my forefathers, the culture they left and the ideals they want me to live by.

I have not cussed at, mocked or thought low of people since yesterday and life has been much better. I smile and feel happy just to be alive, just to be able to do all the things I can and to be where I am in life. Sure, I am still fucked in the short term but I finally feel at ease with life.

You are entitled to your labor, not the fruits it bears said Lord Krishna to Arjuna. Took me 2 decades to understand that.

So yeah, even though bad things happened, I got to see the head priest and my life changed completely. I still like that girl but that is more because of neediness, that is fine tho, I do have a feeling I will meet her someday, BF destroying is quite easy given I have done it before lol and I will be a tier 1 lothario after I manhandle the academic and discipline issues in my life starting now. Life has meaning. I look forward to studying and acting how Lord Krishna would want me to act. Instead of my oneitis, every song and thing reminds me of Lord Krishna. I am not lying when I say that. I feel happy.

I finally grew up.

May you find Bhagwan too, may all of us get the best that we deserve.

Narayana Narayana.

side note, I was in the dorms for the first time in my life past Friday for my department day, was out for cigarettes with my friend, we reminisced over our oneitits, hung out with others in the dorms and talked a lot. I do not smoke regularly but it was great. I had fun, slept in his room on the floor, it is the little things in life man, walking aimlessly at night and seeing others go about their life. I finally love uni.

Diwali this Monday, it is the most important Hindu festival and celebrates the homecoming of Lord Ram after a 14 year exodus which ended with his victory over Ravana. My city will have a bunch of pretty lights, people travel back home to be with their family. One of the main rituals is Lakshmi Puja where you offer prayers to Goddess Lakshmi, the wife of Lord Vishnu (Lord Ram is the human reincarnation of Lord Vishnu, he appears on earth whenever sin crosses a threshold).

Most pajeets would use this week long holiday to have a diwali party where they do not pray but just copy Anglos and get drunk and fool around. I have immense respect for anglos, I just find this to be super distasteful. The purpose of the festival is the worship of your deities and a celebration of the longest unbroken culture on the planet, unfortunately, Indians have a deep rooted inferiority complex which makes them look down on anything religious. People are lefty not just because of India never having had a single decent intellectual in the realm of political science but because of plain signaling. It does hurt to see, the only worth you have in society is based on your affluence or sex. Higher values have been forgotten which is also why everyone drinks. I am not a saint, I just cannot indulge in bad behaviors on such a holy day. There are higher and lower values, virtues, qualities etc that most would recognize. I enjoy would love to be more affluent, date more and better girls in a large town but my main identity will always be defined by Vaishnavism, my job, the virtues and qualities I want to develop are important to me because they are what makes a good life, the material and physical benefits are secondary rewards. I want to be better at academics or be a good physical culturalist or do the other things that would make up a good life because the process of doing these things is what I am supposed to do according to my scriptures. Praying is not fun yet I cannot name a single activity that calms me down and offers peace like offering prayers does. It does not make me better than others or anyone else, but it does make me feel a tad morose about the condition of society today and how far behind my civilization is, where everyone has to play these status games, intentionally or not.

People in my city pool together money to put up lights on their stores, overall it is a good time to be in my city. Always good to see the unroken chain of culture living among people. my grandfather visists the city palace as he is the titular feudal lord of his area under the Royal family. We all buy new clothes, sweets, put lights on our ancient house (haveli of sorts, built over a 100 years ago without any bricks lol). Ma fries up some season specific foods, people go out at night in the city to see the lights and burst crackers as that is a holy ritual (do not listen to pajeets who tell you it is not, head priests have clarified this thing). The festival is the peak of our happiness. I have fond memories of playing Batman Arkham games during this time of the year and lighitng hundreds of clay lamps the traditonal way with oil and putting them in various parts of the house.

Regardless, I will spend the week thanking the Gods for letting me live the life that I do, the life my family and clan enjoys. Most people do not get to have what I have, being thankful for it makes life much better.

I have also started adding 2 hours of mandatory hours of leisure in my day, I usually read theology or read blogs like the zvi(liked just two posts tho, slack and the one about doing hard stuff) and others (mostly Jim wendler, Steve Maxwell, Guzey etc). It is a good way of ensuring that I am efficient with my work.

I will also try to watch UFC 280, good card.

Happy Diwali to themotte, hopefully by next one, I will have the life I want, I most likely will but for now, just blessed to have what I do have. Life is short, smile while you can. Despite all my hatred for the Indian elites, seeing the priests and normal people doing their best this season is a massive whitepill. Me doing well in life would help others see my way of life as cool so all the more reasons to keep trying. Sure every government and political party is actively trying to stop us from celebrating but fuck them, most of us are shameless and would happily burst crackers.

See you all next week.

Jai Shree Ram

Dune Part 2 was the last movie I saw in theatres and cannot recommend it enough. It is similar to LOTR in the sense that it is able to showcase a lot of loyalty to one's aristocracy or ruling clans in a way that all people can relate to. The movie is majestic, grand, an epic in the real sense. I loved Javier Bardem the most and recommend everyone to go watch it.

I will be listening to a lot of house and trance music from the 2010s, not super mainstream stuff but rather somewhat mainstream so Anjunabeats and all. As a teenager, I did not like my classmates at all so I spent a lot of time listening to dance music and back then my attention was not as fucked. I remember listening to Aviciis BBC Radio 1 essential mix, seeing Swedish house mafia disband (in hindsight their music was not even good) and overall got to hear a ton of really good tracks. Listening to music in your room is a relaxing affair, I intend to do it this weekend.

I was also at a wedding a few weeks ago where me and a guy I met there downed more than a bottle of tequila in under 6 hours with zero side effects so it is a great liquor lol. I was at quite a few weddings every weekend with two being those of my cousins, danced a lot at the second one and honestly, I really like dancing now, I get why people visit nightclubs, besides the part about meeting other attractive people. not much besides, my startup journey is far more complex than I thought it would be, making my uni issues seem inconsequential but I am positive. I am still depressed like today I saw my former oneitis (now a functioning cokehead) in my dreams taunting me about the amount of drugs and dudes shes been with since I stopped talking to her but I will be fine, I'm reading Eguenge Gendlins focusing and hopefully, that should aid me.

Have a great weekend folks, I wish I could post more and I plan to soon. themotte honestly played a much larger part in shaping my worldview than my uni mates since I got here in 2019 as a high school drop out and I find it wild that it has been half a decade. I hope this place does not die off.

I saw LOTR extended edition, Cyberpunk Edgerunners and John Wick 4 whilst I was on my brief hiatus away from this place and shall write a short review of all three in hopes of encouraging all to watch them.

Lord of the rings (extended edition)

LOTR trilogy is fantastic. The very fact that a trilogy like this one was made with top tier actors, visuals, award wins and box office numbers is a big W for everyone. Harry Potter novels were something I liked quite a bit as an 8th grader as my ma brought a few of their books from her library before diwali break and I loved reading them. I never paid much attention to LOTR, Narnia or GOT because I never felt that I would like them. As I grew up, I could understand the not so subtle ways Rowling tries to show people who like traditional values as the villain and also how it was frankly a series for children. LOTR did the opposite, when I finished watching all 12 hours of it, I felt appreciative of atavistic values like honor, duty, loyalty to your flag. It makes you see why these things are beautiful, why many of our forefathers lived by certain codes, the reason for it being people valuing these things more than their own life at many points. I am not a Christian, far from it and Hindu theology is very different from the kind you find among Abrahamic religions yet I cant not appreciate the work of Tolkien. I had not read the books but I sure as hell wish to now. Tolkien through his fantasy land builds a narrative that shows us some high human values that may sound wishy washy or woo woo given how spiritual things may be looked down. The trilogy is just amazing.

Cyberpunk Edgerunners

If you have a gf, watch this with her as this show hits you in the feels, I have a no gf rule due to reasons people know of. I got into this anime because I saw the music video of the theme song "I really wanna stay at your house". It takes place nearly a year before the events of the cyberpunk 2077 game. The protagonist is one 18 year old david martinez and the show is a 10 episode journey of his rise from a poor studious prodigy to one of the top mercenaries of Night City. It is heartbreaking, bittersweet and overall a show you have to watch. Also that track alone is worth it.

John Wick 4

Watch this in theatres, best action choreography I have seen in a movie, it is better than all three before it and I am really glad I got to see it in theatres. Just sheer carnage, glorious violence, I wish to be as fluent with math and CS as Wick is with violence. Great great movie.

General updates

tldr for the entire post - started studying 6 hours daily, working out, coworking, had my grandads 90th birthday, stopped hating my parents, saw LOTR, Cyberpunk Edgerunners and John Wick 4. All three are amazing and finally picked up Ramayana and chess for my leisure.

So currently I do math (three different subjects), python (udemy course titled python data science machine learning bootcamp) which has some very rudimentary python in the beginning followed by more advanced stuff at the end. It is on ude,y, has about 25 hours worth of lectures. My aim is to do about 4.5 hours of math and finish this course before the months ends or the next month's first week. After that fast.ai and then my sabbatical would take over my life with me returning to formal logic, nannd 2 tetris and lots and lots of pure C programming.

The whole point is to take these next 6 months and hammer home the real basics so that I can learn to think instead of just matching patterns or lying about things. Anyone can cram questions for interviews but to actually learn under someone good one on one and do so to ensure I not only cover my own gaps but those modern education has is a worthwhile idea.

My Initiation

I also about a month and a half ago got my janeu, the sacred thread which is given to men of very very few clans when they come of age, I was the first to revive the tradition in my house (not just home, house as in the house in terms of clans under the ruling family, feudal lords) and was overwhelmed with the support I recieved from all my e friends. You recieve gifts on that day and I got close to 500 usd (500 is the exact conversion, to inr closer to like 5k in terms of purchaing power in India) in under 24 hours. I only asked for 11 rupees and got close to a hundred donations from friends (mostly) and family in less than 24 hours.

My grandad also turned 90 so we had a large party for him with close to 60 or so guests at our house. I have stopped hating my parents or even wanting to cut them off permanently, making money, having any kind of status. The people who showed up and the kinds of gifts he got did show me that my family indeed is doing well and my disdain for them is more out of my spite for them pointing out my shortcomings rather than anything rational.

I still have issues with my oneitis (I see her in my dreams sometimes. Will leave town when my sabbatical ends. I know what to do, just that time and situations right now are testing me. All this PUA knowldege, nowhere to implement it lol, still stuck on the same chick) and I still have depression and agitation according to my psychiatrists but co working with a bunch of friends my age and older has helped tremendously. I will also officially graduate uni in the next month so another thing I look forward to. My last update was very gloomy and one of my friends even called me upon reading it and spoke to me for hours trying to reassure me, he was right and it has been relatively alright since then. I appreciate all the good things I have, whether it is such gestures by friends or helpful comments on these forums.

Meeting e friends irl

I met one very close e friend recently and he bought me a pair of swords attached to a shield as a gift for my initiation on behalf of his own self and some other friends. We went out, smoked cigarettes, watched some movies and I had a great time with him overall.

Working out

I gained 5 lbs of weight and now weigh 150 lbs, it is not all fat because I can see my face better, same for my abdominal area. I started working out again at home using HIT style bodyweight workout as mentioned in project kratos (by Drew Baye, you can find it online, ideal workout routine tbh), going to total failure on 12 exercises in a circuit is plenty painful so I wish to keep this up for at least 2 if not 3 days a week and slowly gain more quality weight. 145 at 6'0 is very skinny given I have long limbs. I can see all my lifts go up each time I workout and it takes less than half an hour with little to no equipment.

All good for now. Just need to keep this up, build momentum and ensure I rest properly. Proper rest (meditation, actual real leisure, social interactions, sleep etc) are much much more important than people think them to be. I cut my working out to two days for this week due to bad sleep last week due to work and saw great improvements. I will switch to 3 a week now and study more but cutting back at times is important.

Pop Culture

I saw three things that are must watch according to me. Cinema will never be high art the way literature is but it is damn fun. Cyberpunk Edgerunners (Anime on Netflix), John Wick 4 (watch it in theatres) and LOTR extended edition, all were a treat to watch and left a tremendous impression on me.

Highly recommend anyone who has a gf to watch Cyberpunk Edgerunners with her. Edgerunners is a great emotional rollerocaster of an anime whereas John Wick 4 is the second best action movie I have seen, maybe as good as Mad Max Fury Road. Everything about them is brilliant, just go ahead and watch both. Also LOTR extended editon, all three movies are fantastic and Tolkien was a genius. He was able to craft a tale that manages to tell a story that makes you appreciate the atavtistic values your own forefathers defended. The entire thing is beautiful, I had never read the novels and will never watch the garbage amazon is putting out but the original trilogy is a work of pure art. Will review all three things this friday on the fun thread. I cannot imagine comparing harry potter garbage to these things. I was blown away by harry potter as an 8th grader but this is aeons ahead. Truly fantastic.

Leisure

My leisure is Chess and Ramayana as I stated earlier. Ramayana is an amazing epic, Lord Ram, the protagonist whilst an incarnation of Lord Vishnu was never aware of his own divnity and hence his journey through the world is not that of an immortal being but rather that of a mortal man going against the worst evil of his time and winning against it. The tale of a man who did everything he could to live by Dharma and hence is remembered as Dharma Incarnate. He never lived a happy life, his wife chose exile after his victory and his homecoming which we celebrate as Diwali was the only time in his life where his entire family was happy as many suggest that Mata Sita was pregnant with their unborn twins then. I cannot put it down, I love reading it. Ram is everything you can hope a man to be and more in ways that you just cannot help but idolize him and for good reason. Read the epic, I am reading the goldman translation and recommend it highly.

Chess is a fun way to pass time too, I had many exciting games but Ramayana is still my go to.

Until next time!

Marvel just got luckier more than anything else. Also animated stuff is much more niche, less money is required and earned via that stuff so its is much more appealing to the masses.

Also, DC owes a lot to BTAS (Batman the Animated Series) which along with Superman had animated movie spin offs. Since these were superior to the live action movies then, they set the tone and DC just made more animated stuff for nerds like us. I honestly like it a lot.

Why do you think they struggle? Replicating marvel is not smart as they are an anomaly, not the norm.

I miss the past a lot at times. My time as a startup founder has been brutal, we are figuring out ways to make high revenue and I am still a hermit living with my parents because of how transitional things are right now so that we save money. However on days when I work really hard, I feel peace. It is just that I always feel that life was better back then, in some made-up revisionist timeline that does not exist. My family saw an exponential rise in their standard of living these past 20 years (I am 23) and I keep wishing to go back to being a kid or be a teenager even though I know that life was objectively way worse. I have agency to make an impact on the world, make money, make good friends, learn things I could not have conceived of, meet women and whatnot but I still feel uneasy for some reason. It has gotten to the point where I think about vacations when I work and think of work on my vacations and can never be in the present moment.

The guy who is teaching me inner work and meditation recommended a combination of focusing (the book and practice by Eugene Gendlin) and meditation alongside abstinence from screens and more consistent work and sleep hours but I still feel like I am somehow stuck in mud mentally and never good enough or that if my startup fails, I am fucked for life and since I already am low, that possibility is an inevitability. It is a downward spiral I wish to avoid. I wish to live life going forwards, not backwards, perhaps I should learn to ignore my thoughts if after doing all that he recommends and making headway into my startup does not change my outlook. Would appreciate any tips on this.

Also, I have been regular to the gym for three straight months now, I am not doing the HIT/Isometric stuff but visit the gym 3x a week and do 3 sets for like 7 different lifts, I copped my program from this French guy named Natural Hypertrophy from youtube and have seen zerminimal changes even though I have added weight to all my lifts. Might be because I only get 6 hours of sleep each night and I am skinny fat (75kgs/165lbs at 6 foot/182cm, started eating like a pig and sleeping badly since last year) but regardless, I will stick to this for a year. I dunno if I can add MMA too because of time constraints. I just wish to not look terrible for once. I don't fit into my small-sized vests as well as I did and my arms have minimal definition but that is not encouraging at all. My calories are the same since I do not wish to go to 30 per cent bodyfat.

Have a great week folks!

Every movie has similar themes simply because that is how the world is now, you cannot have a movie that does not bow down to cultural forces of the day as movie production is such a complicated task. It took one man to write faust but something as good or as insightful can never be made again because of the process of creation being in the hands of so many with monetary and opportunity costs that no one will ever cover. Not watching movies, TV, music or even news, social media and videos made in the modern day as much as you can is the correct path forward, everything today feels the same, sterile and replaceable.

I don't think it's healthy to have the family structure found in the west, period.

Marriage is a sacred bond.

The one about step parents being 40 times more likely to abuse kids than biological parents. The west gets family wrong, I will likely never divorce my wife since marriage in Hinduism is a bond for many lives, not just one and the main unit is the family. My mother stayed in a marriage I never would have despite it not even being my fathers fault. My family had some genuinely terrible circumstances and my mother could have left, had I been her, I would have but she stayed for us. I do not wish anything bad on kids who have step parents but anyone who stays together despite issues deserves respect.

I really liked the one about /u/tracingwoodgrains wedding. Other than that maybe the ones where standard_order told me to get addicted to natural dopamine or where everyone trashed me because my oneitis began dating some other dude. I did not get what the people meant back then but it makes more sense the more I read it. The standard_order post was in october 2020 and this one in march 2021. January 2021 stands out too but yeah.

One that will forever stand out would be the book review of from third world to first.

Reminds me of a roald dahl short story collection about automated stories generation, kid me never thought it would come true and I would get to study that stuff.

No lol, I have slept with women and I can sleep with them. I just do not hit on ones who are like my mom, very traditional, I do not do it because I like being friend-zoned lol, on the contrary, I am somewhat decent at pickup, I just share a bond with this girl because she is religious and I do not want to be someone who sleeps with her.

I friend-zoned her and a few other traditional conservative girls the first time we interacted because I know how much sleeping with a guy impacts them, that is just how some feel in my religion. Sleeping with girls who are really chaste is something I see as a sin, maybe I am weird. I do not have issues with those who sleep around, I just only sleep with them and not ones who are chaste.

My oneitis is a different girl altogether and even she had not friend-zoned me but I did fuck up big time with her.

Will read ramayana and likely watch the latest fast and furious movie titled fast x. It is low brow and I did not like the last two at all so hope this one is not another vin diesel fest.

Short rant - Vin Diesel looks old, the dude is not what you would want in an action hero, not because of the bad acting but he also does not look the part at all. The movies themselves have gone from being about stealing dvds and him being a normal man to some sort of brainless avengers ripoff where literally everything revolves around vin. Keanu is another old guy who is not a good actor but at least the John Wick movies are nice, they have good set pieces and are not dumbed down to appeal to 3rd graders.

I also tried out chilli oil ramen, it is an alright thing, just needs a decent packet of ramen without much sugar or coloring or you may risk burning it or making it taste rancid. My sabbatical begins next week so I will spend my last weekend free just reading the glorious ramayana and contemplating on life. Life is good, also cookies and cream is a great ice cream flavor I just found out about.

I finally graduated uni!

Farewell and passing out for the first time in my life

We had a farewell where all of us dressed up in formal clothes for a class photograph with some faculties which was then followed up with a short overnight trip to a resort which was a 2 hour drive from the city.

All of us began drinking and smoking in the bus itself, I was buzzed before we even arrived to the resort and all of us danced a bunch there. Later stripped down to my board shorts and spent close to 8 hours in or near the pool, ending the night with having vodka being poured in my mouth by my classmates followed by a heavy heavy dosage of herbs I cannot legally name. I passed out at 5 am on a bunch of chairs with my face down, waking up to find that my cheap smartphone would not start due to water damage, a serious injury to my left leg I sustained last night whilst running towards the pool, a missing water bottle and pair of glasses.

I fell because the pool was a 100 m walk from the dining hall with zero lights and a bunch of concrete slabs that you cannot see properly,fortunately I did not break anything, just a minor injury to my left toe. My face was barely recognizable, My eyes had more red than white, swelling had physically changed the shape of my face, I was hungover as fuck, unable to stay up, walk or do anything for two straight days. I still have some pain in my wrists because of alcohol lol even though this happened on Saturday.

I am happy uni ended, I hated my classmates, profs and everything about that place so am looking forward to continuing my sabbatical. So yeah, I quite literally finished an entire 4 year degree and documented mot of my life here like a public diary.

Super fun day, I will not drink again , alcohol is not good for someone like me who does not have the kinda skills and life I want to have but I get why people drink it.

The worst part of the night was no girls being there lol but I am used to that at this point staying in this town.Regardless, I will now rest for this entire week before I start my sabbatical again. Benders are fun, especially with friends around. You cannot do this stuff if you are old afterall.

Thesis

This was the sucky part pre farewell where we had to present a thesis of what we did as undrergrads for 4 years under our advisors, everyone just copied code and showed that they did something, it felt like the teachers and students both knew that this is a charade yet we keep up with these things. This was tense, I was worried that my uni would fail me but thankfully that does not seem like the case for now.

The Future

My sabbatical will continue and I think I will take 6 months, ending it with an indiehackers like startup. I was doing it before my thesis but had to take time off due to the thesis bullshit. Following a steady routine, co working and doing what my mentor tells me to do is sorta what I will be doing. Meditation is a very underrated, so is physical culture for that matter. I have had Erectile Dysfunction issues because I would think of my oneitis whilst being intimate with some girls, that coupled with my sky high neuroticism led me to picking it up. I do not have anything bad going on physically with me, I have gotten myself tested extensively, just that my head is in a terrible place which causes these issues but I am sure it will be fixed before the year ends, for good. I should have good updates in a few months, see ya around!!!!

Long post - tl;dr - have never done anything hard in my life. Isolated, still living in my super dysfunctional family and voluntarily in a sabbatical to fix my CS fundamentals now for the next months, feel really low about myself with immense self doubt. Never met someone as lazy and ambitious as me so the disconnect between what I expected to have happened by age 22 and what actually is happening hurts to talk about. Now forced in a corner, I cannot muster any positive emotions and am drifting towards nihilism. Isolation is another factor which I really would appreciate tips on. I remember being told 2 years ago here that life will go on without me if I do not change, seeing that warning turning into reality has definitely shaken up things. How can one even cope with self worth in a world of billionaires where you have so many people better, more successful than you?

Some thoughts -

I feel dead on the inside, do not think I actually am smart enough to do anything and may be too late to the party. I cannot find any joy in food, porn, music, movies etc. Everything feels tasteless, this is despite being on prozac. A recurring pattern in my life is me hating isolation, not having any peers and being forced to do something hard with those two things happening simultaneously. Getting off of cram schools without ever studying a day always made me feel that I will have to pay for it by working like that some later time in my life so the Sabbatical is a voluntary step in that direction. Everyday I recoil with anger, horror, fear and envy when I see someone my age or slightly older or younger doing good things (like getting into Stanford for a second degree or publishing papers in journals that matter or partying in higher end places with a rad social circle, meeting models regularly or working a super interesting, respected job that is meaningful). A part of me wishes I could do those things but the remaining half sorta knows I will likely never make it given what has happened till now.

I have applied for a semester waiver for this semester( get my 4 year degree this summer without having to attend any classes, exams, labs starting next week) so that I can study full time without college o disturb me and save time, actually do something good. Real programming has scared me, I doubt myself each time I work but end up learning something new. Learning and working hard is by definition really really painful and never having done it before, living a life of just surfing all day has fried my brain to the point to only ever like things that are easy. I look at really really good guys and feel a sense of awe and sadness for I marvel at their ability but simultaneously subconsciously feel that I will never be good enough no matter what I do. No one can ever be like John Carmack but you can only know if you keep trying and competence is its own reward so always right to do these things, hope that you get so good that you enjoy them.

Regardless, I just hope I succeed with this. I will also take up a combat sport in some time as the only thing I will do for the entirety of my day is study, work out and sleep, no classes or exams and whatnot. Programming itself is not bad, no matter how tired, bad I may feel starting work has a wierd effect where once I begin, I can feel everything else disappear and bang out some code only to actually feel tired for real when I do a few hours of it (2 or so for now but can push to 5 or 6 maybe?) which is something I feel only when I work. There is happiness, satisfaction at the end of a hard day of work where I like having learnt new things and feel good about myself for not doing what I do by default which is to never do fuck all. Developing actual skills is like developing a chiseled physique in the sense you must do the thing hard enough, long enough without breaks only to see results in a few months. The first few weeks is just pain but the payoff is otherworldly. I have felt some of it recently and it felt great. Like waking up from an opium dream to a reality that feels cleaner, more vivid but also better.

Some Developments in life -

On the 9th of March, a day after Holi I will get my sacred thread (Janeu). It is a highly respected thing which only a small minority of the country can wear. I feel immense pride in being born into a lineage that traces its origin to divinity. The thread means that you are a twice born, born once from the womb of your mother and the second happens when you take your Janeu. It is something that very clans can take up and despite the gloomy nature of the post below, knowing that I will be the first in my family to revive the tradition is heartwarming. My recent ancestors did not get theirs so my family's lineage will now have my name in it as those who will take up the sacred thread will do so under my name (or so I was told) which is very touching. I was told not to post here and that was honestly great advice given I would simply lie about my progress and would post just to get some semblance of validation from the internet as real life is too dull.

Recently, more specifically, today I have been feeling really low. I also got paralettes (bars for push ups) for push ups and have started doing Timed Static Contractions (a form of isometrics) now. The real bottleneck for everything fucking me up is sleeping on time and electronic distractions as I have had some really good days where I felt great and had no screen time besides work, slept on time. Getting off of sleep meds so will just take prozac and staretta, I hallucinate on ambien sometimes and think about my oneitis who is dating someone seriously now. Deep down I feel that I will never get anyone better but then again, why not date someone who is rich or has a settled life instead of me. My city has played a huge part in this as she lives in the capital whereas my town barely has anything and feels like a retirement home. I do not meet interesting, attractive people ever at all and this is not just me being someone with a superiority complex, someone young is better off in a metropolis with other young people instead of the sandy land of Rajasthan. My GPA is super low at a 6.77 out of 10 but I am just glad uni will get over soon. I hate, fucking hate it with all my passion and have met better people here than in uni.

Sabbatical -

My uni taught me fuck all. The exams, labs, classes were all a LARP and a bad one at that, something others here can attest about Indian higher education, all I got was 4 years worth of wasted time and a college life I will forever hate. I have decided to take a sabbatical of at least six months after university ends to fix the holes in my CS knowledge and decompress from all the trauma I got at uni. I have good people I found as mentors via the internet helping me out in learning key fundamentals from ground up properly (Computer Architecture, Discrete Math, Data Structures in C etc etc) and will end it with a capstone project so that I not only have the fundamentals required but also a fixed direction.

My mental health is in the gutter in all honesty. All I have ever wanted is to leave my home for a better life but somehow I find myself in prolonged isolation yet again. My town is way way too small, the only decent uni here is mine and I cannot befriend more people or see any girls for now as I take my sabbatical seriously.

I finally did nearly finish my first proper notebook since 10th grade which is an achievement for me, finally.

I aim to get a remote gig from some firm based in the west by the end of this year that pays me well and have actual fucking skills to make things that matter instead of just cramming questions off of leetcode because that is the extent of what I have seen in my uni for all 4 years.

Even during such times of extreme nihilism, I would much rather die than work a 9 to 5 job here where I commute long distances for a job where i deal with office politics from people who pretend to be intellectuals on Indian tech twitter.

Remote jobs or migration are the only two things I wish for.

My mind was dead when I began writing the post but I feel better after having written this out. My friends and mentors grill the fuck out of me daily and weekly with progress reports so at least I have that going for me. I miss my oneitis, the big reason for wanting to move out is to meet better women than her, by the hundreds. Sure that is not the main reason, that is obviously bettering my career but most Megacities have both. She was nice to me so I still wish her well but I really still want to at least spend one night with her irl. I have always have had needy one sided crushes since forever so I need to work on myself too.

Also the online world, the screen, the internet, TV, my brain, none of that is real. The more I work and the less time I spend with all of these things, the better I feel. Sure my mentors and friends who help me out are all online but I will get a dumb phone. I study in my Unis library which is a 20-30 commute away from my house and turn on gather.town so that my friends can check my work and my screen. Adds another layer of safety. Also will try out the book focusing by gendlin which is about self therapy of sorts. Just need to stick to a routine long enough and all should be fine.

Will post updates next. Take care!

How to keep my eyes healthy despite staring at a screen all day? Any advice, my eyes have some issues now, slight irritation and inability to focus. I do not want to get glasses.

I have my department day today, basically it is like a small one evening fest where at the end people play a bunch of loud music and students dance. Usually just those of your department. I may drink but I stay away from substances usually, should be fun.

Me since age 16, I am 23 now, co-founder of a startup and I am stuck in my room all day. I want to move back to Gurugram where I can occasionally visit nightclubs but even that feels futile, I feel empty when not working and that makes me less likely to work, its a vicious feedback loop. Everything feels empty, I never have enough energy to work and cannot feel happy whenever I am back in my hometown.

Even going to nightclubs is now hard since I recently discovered what STDs are and feel bad. It is a strange phenomenon, I would greatly appreciate if anyone had any advice on how to feel fulfilled when working on a long-term goal or being an adult, is it just meditation or what?

Finally, someone gets it. I have had girl issues but that was just one girl and I learnt how to talk to girls after that. I would feel bad sleeping with a girl who is really chaste and thinking of me as some marriage material which is what happens with them.

I am a religious man, not the most religious but this would be sinful of me.

My username is about me being realistic in the short term, and delusional in the long term, A friend started calling me a practical romantic since that day.

I actually do not even believe in romance at all and do not think have ever even been on a date the way most people do them, usually just have sex the night or day of and that is about it. I do not even believe in romantic love or soulmates being real (find the second thing very cringey).

lmao, I mean my girl issues stem from just being in a small place where I cannot meet many girls. This will vanish when I move out and interact with a bunch more pretty high iq girls on the regular with better logistics and a suitable lifestyle.

I mean my future wife as in when I do get married and have kids with her, I will not divorce her as that is not how families work according to Hindu ideals.

My parents made it work and because of better understanding of how thins work, I should have an easier time.

regardless, divorce is off the table, marriage is like being tied to a ship, you sink with your mate. Now the question of unfaithfulness is a big one here which is especially why I go out and talk to girls so that I am not green when I settle down.

This confused me for a little bit since I recognized your name: "Aren't you the guy who posts about his girl troubles?"

lmao, I hope I become known as the guy who is disciplined in the near future instead of this. This made me laugh and get a bit sad but mostly laugh.

My mid terms are going to end tomorrow. I had just 4 papers this semester, only two were technical and even they went better than the ones before. I will likely smoke with a few friends and roam around.

I used to think that I needed to get female validation to feel good about myself but in all honesty, it is these little moments that I will miss. I will be leaving college in may 2023, January if I get an internship and that means that I only have a few weeks left of this.

There is something about being with young people. I live with my parents as my house is a 30-45 minute drive from my uni. I was earlier gonna try for a date with some girl or go for pickup but fuck that. I will just chat till 4 am with my friends, sleep on the dorm floors again and maybe eat at some cheap food joint. Reminisce about my oneitis and yell cuss words. It is not exactly what most here would be doing but I just realized that I too will likely be posting what most here post in a years time given I will be employed.

I hated uni and it was my fault that I fucked up all that I did but I still made good friends so yeah, hoping I will get dead drunk tomorrow, make memories forever and stay in the moment.

I have always had a oneitis since I can remember, maybe since 4th grade where I would progressively spend more time thinking about girls, during 9th and 10th grade I had the most fun I ever did in school and I was a complete loser for all girls. I do not remember any of the girls I was obsessed with back then but will always fondly look bad at those years before cram school became serious, same for this year in uni. Spending that night with my friends was more memorable than losing my virginity was.

Do suggest some hangover cures lol, I do not drink but it is good to be a degenerate at times and enjoy these little things. I also got high this Tuesday after a few beers, it was my second time this year and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I was out of it and could barely walk. I think this is what people call a bad trip or something, anyway, tomorrow should be fun.

I hear my parents often talk about how important these little moments are and as a kid I never understood what they meant but now I do.

Like that song two minds by Nero (https://youtube.com/watch?v=KFWFJGfEaNo)

"I told you too many times,

It's the little things that count which can make someone feel special."

I know, its just that I feel worse whenever I do take any intoxicants because I feel like I do not deserve it for being not as hard working and consistent as I should, it is a terrible position to be in.

Saw Mission Impossible 7. It was a good movie but I did not like it as much as John Wick 4 or the previous MI movies, maybe it is just action movie fatigue setting in. I sorta have been finding it harder and harder to actually find any joy in most activities but still recommend that others watch the movie. Cruise is in his 60s and still performs some of the most dangerous stunts one can, that too without having the need to do them. Have to respect that immensely. I saw the movie on the first of its release and did enjoy it. It is a two part finale so they left it on a sort of ambiguous ending.

I will also meet a few friends for coffee this Sunday. Has been a while since I have had coffee, the place I kinda intern at has an instant automated espresso maker of sorts and I have to admit that I quite like the taste of it so looking forward to visiting a coffee shop. I just avoid going to any and all places in my town as my mind just hates me for taking time off and enjoying life because of how far behind I am thanks to my bad habits so hopefully I will be able to enjoy a peaceful Sunday and recharge myself.

imo indian food is not suited for fast food. The curry base (onions and spices) needs to be cooked till oil comes out of it for it to be properly cooked, that does not scale. Also you eating a curry with some bread is sorta messy so I do understand why this is so.