The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Notes -
i've seen this girl couple of times, texted couple of times, she's texted me once (initiate conversation). it's probable she likes me. in my head i've raised the stakes, i keep telling myself i have to wife her, otherwise i might not talk/take any action at all. the downside is i haven't been able to focus on anything since 4 days (or perhaps i just want to pin the blame on her?). anyhow, without going into too many details, how do i bring back focus again on my goals and also be able to talk to this person that i am not very casual about?
not sure how much we want wellness wednesday to be dating advice, but im sure many have been in my shoes at some point, and would have some helpful words. or perhaps just posting my problem here would help, because i've not told my friends any of it (they'd naturally assume im crazy, which they probably do already).
edit: one solution i've been pondering over is to go into caloric deficit for couple of weeks (i've found it helps with urges/impulses)
Pining over a girl has never worked for me. Take it slow. Low stakes, low commitment. Your goal must be having a date with her. Not wifing up, not bedding her, not even getting a second date or standing with a boombox under her window in the rain. Just a nice pleasant date: go see a movie or a play together, have a nice dinner, tell her compliments, kiss her goodbye, text her about how much you enjoyed it. Come back to the wellness thread when you are done.
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This is probably the absolute worst thing you can do, short of doing nothing. You can't put such high stakes in your mind right at the outset, it's going to cloud your judgment and probably be apparent to this girl (and she will be weirded out by that).
If I were you, I'd remind myself that you've won half the battle already. The girl seems like she's into you, so just go for it and try to take her out somewhere. No "I have to wife her" stuff, just two people having a good time. Don't heap expectations on, just relax.
I also agree with @Silver that you need to just rip the band-aid off here. When I was younger I made the same mistake you are making with brooding over a girl I liked, and guess what? It just made it worse when I eventually got the courage to tell her how I felt. Getting rejected hurts and there's absolutely nothing you can do to make it not hurt, if that happens. But brooding for weeks/months will most definitely make it hurt more.
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I agree wholeheartedly with that excellent reply by @fivehourmarathon, and I want to expand on one thing he said, because from my experience in advising my nerdy friends on love, it is probably the bit you are caught up on -
I think oneitis is silly, your true love is out there and you will find her if you try, but some of the advice regarding it is good. Point being, your true love will not be a person who laughs at you for expressing your heart (unless you are a masochist I guess), so if she is put off by your advances she isn't it. You need to find out, because if she isn't you have more women to meet. I don't know how old you are, but the way I explained it to my nephew was that you are giving her an opportunity - to go from being one of the npcs you pass on the street every day to a player character in your game of life. If she doesn't want that, so what? She's just an npc.
A slightly more sophisticated way of saying it is that you are giving her a chance to be one of the people inside your universe, inside the 150 - 200 people you are capable of assigning agency to - and if she doesn't want that, then she is just more meat in your way. It's a little bit of a shocking way of looking at it, but it is supposed to be shocking because it is important that you understand how little any potential romantic partner should matter to you if they don't reciprocate your feelings when there are 3.5 billion alternatives out there. The more hung up you get on one potential partner the less time you have to find the one who is right for you.
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Don't. Go get her. Tell her how you feel. Just do it Maybe don't vomit out the whole wifing her up thing, but she's into you, be into her, be present and make it happen. We're all out here looking for the love of our lives, you could be the best thing that will ever happen to her. Eleven years ago my wife was my best friend, the first time I realized my wife was into me was when she tricked me into kissing her, we made love all night, and the next day I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me, and now we own a house together in my home town up the street from my parents. If it's real, it'll be worth it. If it's not, who the fuck cares anyway, on to the next one.
Life is for the living. Don't turn love into the most boring kind of game where you min-max strategy; treat love with passion and abandon and joy. Strike while the iron is hot. Make hay while the sun shines. Pick ye rosebuds while ye may.
Hey, if that's the wellness we all need, it'll be more interesting than me asking for lifting advice or where to find good quality socks. Maybe some time I"ll throw my own questions out there for advice.
But in the meantime:
Jesus, Mary and Holy Saint Joseph don't do that. That's going to do the opposite of making you less nervous and desperate, actively starving yourself to change your behavior for her. Just be an honest real human being.
That is a hell of a story, lol. Congrats, it sounds like a pretty great adventure.
Still have to find out the ending.
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Ooh, I remember asking myself this exact question 12 years ago when I had a huge crush. I remember thinking "If only I could speak to my future self, he'd have all the answers."
Well, I'm sorry to say but there doesn't seem to be a cure for unrequited love. I haven't discovered or come across anything that would have solved the problem at the time. The good news is pretty much everybody goes through this. So most likely, you won't be judged too harshly for the stupid things you might do.
The least harmful advice I can think of, is to tell her soon-ish so that she shoots you down and your normal life can resume sooner. More brooding will not lead to a better outcome.
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