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It's true that most men have a strong desire to have sex with women and that this has an evolutionary origin. It's also quite plausible that seeking approval from women also has an evolutionary origin, and it's conceivable that using women's approval as a condition of one's self-esteem has an evolutionary origin.
However, while the strong desires for sex and female approval are more or less unchangeable (though they can be integrated better or worse into one's life) I don't think that using women's approval as a condition of one's self-esteem is unchangeable, because it's a set of philosophical beliefs ("I am a loser if I am not approved of by women" "I am a piece of shit if I am not approved by the RIGHT women" "I am worthless if I am not approved of by THIS particular women out of billions" etc.) that seem to be as changeable by reason and experience as any others.
It's biologically possible that an individual gives up these beliefs, but retains the strong desire. (This is true for status/approval anxiety in general.) The desire is one thing, the linking of self-esteem to the approval of women (and usually the "right" women or "this" woman if you want to really mess up your life) is another. An unsatisfied desire can have many emotional effects, but not a sense of worthlessness, except insofar as it occurs alongside the philosophical belief linking the satisfaction of that desire to one's self-esteem.
As for it being a choice, I think it's an unthinking choice, like fat people buying junk food. Do they have a biological desire for high calorie food? Yes. Do they think consciously about the choice? No, not in general. Can they retain the desire but give up the beliefs like "I must always satisfy my desire?" Yes, at least if they're fat rather than obese. (Obesity seems to require, at a minimum, surgical interventions in almost all cases.) The same is true for approval addiction, from women, or your parents, or your colleagues, or a homeless guy in the street.
I know these things, because I have had times when I've been fat or addicted to approval, then changed my beliefs and behaviour. The best single thing was giving up on rating myself at all (negatively or positively) which really opened up most of the good things in life to me (sex, money, and rock 'n' roll).
Anyway, this is all a tangent, since I think we both agree - for different reasons - that sex toys are not substitutes for sex with women, and hence there is no particular rational reason why women would be afraid of them being normalized. Of course, there are women who have the irrational belief that they need to use sex to gain men's affection, but that's because they don't realise that their fundamental offer to men in relationships are things like approval and a disposition to care, for which sex is mainly a proxy.
I'm overweight. Losing it slowly.
I can assure you, it wasn't unthinking. Maybe at first. But everyone in the West is being bombarded all the time with nutritional information. So, at a certain point, I had no one to blame. It was just akrasia. I wonder how many people that's true for.
But, you're right that people do dig themselves out of it and outcome independence and abundance mentality are clearly real things when it comes to social relations and sexuality. Hopefully this is more scalable for the seeking-feminine-approval drive as a result.
I should have been more precise: when a fat person buys an individual item of junk food, it's often unthinking. It becomes a matter of habit. However, habits are not separate from our choices, and as you suggest, there's a lot of akrasia involved.
For me, ironically, one helpful method was to stop telling myself "I shouldn't buy this chocolate bar" and start telling myself "I really want to buy this chocolate bar, but I want to be slimmer even more." Shoulds and musts tend to be remarkably unmotivating, whereas wants and likes tend to be motivating.
To give a personal example: I am currently in a job that is very well-paid and interesting, but involves a lot of moving countries every few years. Insofar as I am successful, I can hope to have the same job in just one place. So I have made a decision to put off certain things, including relationships, to focus on being successful. Hence, I am not receiving the approval and acceptance of a woman right now. Nonetheless, I think I am happier than the average man my age, judging by my friends. That doesn't mean I'm happy about not being in a relationship, but just that I'm not downing myself because of its absence. (There have been times in the past when I have done so.)
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