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Notes -
When you wanted to explain an idea you had to people you don't know, you sat down and wrote this essay. Maybe that's the joke, but in all seriousness, this is the good of an essay. It's a way of conveying your thoughts in a timeless and self-contained fashion.
They are also a way of helping yourself think. Have you read Paul Graham on essays? https://www.paulgraham.com/essay.html
Unless you are defining essays very strictly as 'five part theses of twenty pages as written by humanities students'. I am quite prepared to believe that essay writing is taught badly.
I think that "write an effortpost on substack/LW/reddit/tumblr/..." might actually be a fun essay assignment (even if it would be hard to grade if the teacher lacks subject knowledge).
I think that one problem with essay assignments is that the student is typically aware that it is extremely well trod ground. Generations of students before them have written about theme X in book Y. The chance that they will make a point which will cause the teacher -- the one person who will (optimistically) read their essay (unless they also leave the grading to an LLM) -- to actually wake up and go "wait a minute, this is new" are very slim.
"Everything has been said before, but not yet by everyone" and all that.
It is like tasking someone to simulate having sexual intercourse with a sex doll and then being surprised if the person is not showing a lot of effort.
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