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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   2195 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for January 25, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

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I had a weird conversation with my boss's boss yesterday. It started with talking about a new project I might be involved in, but then went into her telling me that "people don't know how to read you" and "it's hard to tell when you're excited and passionate about something." She also kept repeating that I was very "even-keeled" and I make people feel relaxed. I guess those were supposed to be compliments.

Then she says that I need to come up with a plan for what I am going to do about this! Basically, I need to take some deliberate actions to let people know what I am thinking and feeling. I told her I would set up some check-ins with her where we can talk, but I'm really not sure what else I'm supposed to do. I asked what other people were doing that she felt was more effective, but she didn't have an answer to that.

It was so bizarre, because I am fine with getting feedback if there's an issue with my work, but this seemed to be about how my personality was causing a problem (I'm sorry, I was raised by Midwestern farmers - we're not expressive people). I ended up crying in front of her, which pissed me off. It just touched on some lifelong feelings about feeling a little out of step with people.

To tell the truth, I don't really get "passionate" about things at work. It's work - I enjoy it when I have interesting problems to work on, but I'm passionate about my family, about ideas, not about work stuff. I suppose that's why I appear "even-keeled" at work, because I don't deeply care about any of that crap so it's easy to let things slide off my back.

I do well with older men and young(ish) women, most younger men do better with young men and older women

Why?

My experience roughly aligns with what 2rafa said. I'm a young man.

  • Young men - Easier to get along with on a personal level. I can swear, say things without sugarcoating, and bond over nonwork related things easier.

  • Older women - They tend to be more easy going and forgiving than older men. If you are lazy you are less likely to be shouted at, etc. So those willing to cut corners might like them.

Imo, I think women make bad mentors for young men because they often won't beat them into shape or confront them when necessary.

I think your boss may be the weirdo here.

Yes, unless the boss has received some feedback or has practical concerns that they're being diplomatic about this just amounts to "I don't like your personality, change it", but more ominous due to the power differential.

The only advice I can think of is to ask around and see if there's any complaints about your demeanor or some way it could have had an impact on actual work in a way that could have gotten back to her. Hopefully there is some constructive feedback here and you're not just trapped beneath a weirdo.

It is a rather small consultancy and I'm client-facing, so I suppose there is some razzle-dazzle expected. I am trying very hard to move to a larger org where I can just do the work and not have to put on a show, as much as I like the variety that consultant work offers. But there seems to be a bias against agency folks in the market right now, so it's slow going.

My experience is if you're client facing, every role has both sales and customer service tacked on even if your actual position is something else so it could be something there.

It might be worth asking if she will confirm whether it is feedback from a client, if so that might at least tell you where the razzle dazzle needs to be directed.

Likewise trying to clarify if they mean over text (Teams/Slack or whatever) or by voice/facial expression might be helpful. Or if you have a colleague you trust you could try asking. Maybe only one that you hang out with at weekends so to speak.

Was it in the form of trying to help you or help the team? I have had and currently have software engineer coworkers who's communication style is definitely hindering their career and it can genuinely sometimes be difficult to get across to them that producing quality code is not the only element of our jobs. The ability to have a good relationship with the business is frequently the difference between wasting weeks on a product they don't really want and delivering them the one time report they really wanted in a couple hours. I'm reading a lot from not a lot of details about this conversation but everyone else here is giving the "She's probably full of shit" advice so I'll counter balance it a bit with at least consider that she might have a point.

Yeah, I'm also inclined to give the benefit of the doubt and assume there's some "there" there. But the way she worded it to me makes it really hard to figure out what the real issue is.

Not to toot my own horn, but in the past I have always gotten feedback that I am great to work with. One difference might just be the shift to remote where you have to work really hard to make sure you're communicating, and perhaps she feels I am not putting in enough effort there.

I posted a few months back about my career stallout and job search. As an update,

Since late October, Ive applied for about 80 jobs. Of those I've gotten about 14 recruiter conversations. Of those I withdrew once for salary, and got to about 7 full interviews.

I got rejected in all seven, and told explicitly in two that I was a close second.

These 80 are mostly lateralish role/title moves to a new company, of the ones that weren't, I never got a recruiter call.

my resume and experience are pretty much as good as could be, but somehow I am incapable of closing and pretty much dispairing my ability to improve my career.

I am getting enough response rate in each gate that I am hesitant that any drastic change will help. If I received zero response, I would know my resume is broken. If I never got an interview I would know I was missing recruiter expectations or salary requirements, etc.

Not really sure the best next step except going back to school and making a complete career pivot. Unfortunately I am mid 30s with a family.

It's kind of brutal out there right now. I'm also interviewing, getting decent response rates, but stalling out at some point in the process (got rejected after a 5-hour interview round last week). In my field, I think the market just got flooded with all the recent layoffs and now there's too much brand-name competition. I also see stated salaries nowhere near where they were a year ago.

I think it's time to hunker down and lower expectations/tighten budgets. I don't see a lot of potential for raising one's salary in the near future.

this is why the low unemployment rate is misleading. companies are as choosy as ever

Have you reached out to ask for honest feedback? You might get ignored but even if one of them replies you might get something actionable. When I was involved in recruiting I did try to give feedback to failed applicants who asked. Not everyone bothers of course but might be worth a punt.

If I at least get screened by a recruiter, I'll ask for feedback. Most folks ghost or say they aren't allowed to share specific feedback, yadda yadda. Then they'll give a copypasta about how they were impressed with my credential but the other candidate for better, keep your resume on file, etc.

Of the folks who did give feedback:

Twice they said I was a solid number two and it was a tough decision. In the former, they said the other person emphasized some technical acumen (which I also had but oh well). In the latter, I was told she was a better culture fit. I looked her up and she had several years of working with the company's products as a user.

Another time I was told that I was strong, but the other guy had both a relevant to the role PhD in microbiology, an MBA and ten years of sales in the product category.

Finally, early in my search I was interviewing for a job two levels above me, and was told I didn't seem to have the enough experience for that level.

So... Not much for me to fix with the feedback Ive been given.

Yeah, thats not very useful. I hate the idea of not being allowed to share specific feedback. If someone takes the time to interview and ask for feedback you should be able to help them out.

Yeah, it sucks. I get that folks want to avoid lawsuits etc. But what ends up happening is that the folks who do give feedback are conscientious enough recruiters in opportunities that you made it far enough to develop a reportiore with them. Almost by definition these end up being the ones where the answer is good but not the best.

You never get told why you're screened early...

I understand why it sucks but.... why would I open up my company to legal liability by providing feedback? For someone who didn't make the cut?

First of all, > 50% of the people asking for feedback aren't ready to hear it. I don't like telling someone they suck when they're an employee I've invested in. Sometimes it's as simple as "You're unlikable." When someone's arrogant or stupid, there's no point in trying to help them grow.

People interviewing are also investing time. Arguably more than the candidate. Your 2-hour interview process was 2 hours from you. The 3 people on the other side of the table invested 6 as a team, and that's not counting any research or prep they did beforehand.

Our policy is we only give feedback to people who are being interviewed because they're personal recommendations. We're a very employee-focused company but it's one of the rare times I'm very comfortable throwing up my hands and saying: "You sicced the lawyers on companies to avoid being 'discriminated against' and this is what happened, tough shit."

I’ve been dealing with on-and-off twitches and body cramps for the past couple years—went to a bunch neuros, eventually got diagnosed with cramp fascilation syndrome after scans, EMGs, etc.

…it’s largely calmed down since 1-2 years ago, but it sometimes really ramps up (right now my hands are cramping, knees hurt, and I have some twitching in my legs).

An acquaintance in med school mentioned I should get checked out for metabolic disorders, but I have no idea where I’d even start. I have some feeling that there’s a food sensitivity component that I can’t quite nail down [stomach discomfort tends to occur with the rest of the symptoms].

Any avenues anyone recommends I explore?

You might test your blood sugar during these episodes

Just did three finger tests (since they’re occurring right now, have a kit for this from my keto days) and blood sugar is roughly 85-90 about an hour or so after a meal with a cookie afterward.

I’d try increasing magnesium and potassium intake just to be sure

The solution really really really really is diet, exercise, and sleep; barring unchecked nutritional/hormone/immune/(any other health) issues.

And you won't see results in a day, sometimes it can take weeks to months.

What exactly do you mean by mental stamina ?

Being able to perform mentally exhausting tasks continually, e.g. coding productively for an entire day ?

This is what usually happens when people get older, but you could also just be a bit burnt out and need an extended break.

Don't take stimulants to try to keep up. Diet, sleep and exercise are the only sustainable things that work.

Erdos said it worked for him, but much more common is hearing people go nuts over it. Although, there's a selection effect there, so..

I never managed to more than 3-4 hours of studying under the worst time pressure. Maybe slightly more of that if I was doing some problems.

Nowadays

How many years has it been since the time you had that much endurance?

You could try some of the things suggested - fisetin in the appropriate dosage, for example.

Meditation. No social media throughout the day.

I don't think it's really possible to significantly increase mental stamina, but you can learn to manage it better and adapt to a certain extent to specific tasks. This can also be a simple matter of motivation.

By the way, for me, exercise seems to draw from the same mental pool as mental tasks, so I have to train far from failure if i want to do anything productive after my workout.

I would like to improve my voice and articulation skills. Growing up I had an "open bite" (front teeth did not touch) which caused a plethora of respiratory and speech issues. Fortunately, this specific problem was corrected through orthodontics + speech therapy. The improvement was notable and I today can give a talk or go through a job interview without much trouble.

However, I still often mumble through my words, doubly so if I'm nervous or excited. The "mumbliness" persists even if I speak in my native language, although to a smaller degree since many of the tricky English phonemes (e,g, dental fricatives) aren't common in Portuguese. I also feel that my voice sounds too "soft" (lack of projection?) when I listen to recordings of myself.

My current plan is to hire a voice coach remotely to discuss and work on these issues, but I have no idea what's the difference between a good and a bad coach. Has anyone here done something similar and perhaps could share what things I should be in the lookout for in order to ensure I'm not getting duped?

Alternative suggestions are also welcome.

I don't have much productive to say except that really going for it and projecting your voice in whatever context (apart from actually intimate conversations with friends) feels weird but ends up being somewhat normal. Public speaking training years ago helped me understand this, unless you are unnaturally loud it will simply sound like you are speaking confidently, then it becomes natural. I was guilty of mumbling and speaking very softly until I addressed this.

Read this book before hiring a voice coach - trust me. I've had issues with my voice for years.

https://www.amazon.com/Voice-Book-Caring-Protecting-Improving/dp/1556528299

Will look into it. Thanks for the recommendation.

Np. Happy to chat if you have more questions about it. Losing your voice repeatedly can be rough!

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