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PaperclipPerfector  2d ago (text post)   2005 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 9, 2025

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.

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When we spoke about this a few weeks ago, she told me that it was because my area lacks ubiquitous, reliable public transport. I mentioned that we have a fairly effective municipal ride share program, and that I would be willing to drop a few grand on an e-bike that would get her almost anywhere in the region in about the same amount of time that she could expect if my area has a bus line. I also let her know that my job has a lot of flexibility in terms of hours, so I would willingly and joyously drive her wherever she needed to go whenever she didn't feel like using the other options. Her response was that she didn't want to feel Beholden to me, and that was the end of the conversation.

I broached the idea. She shot it down immediately, citing a new concern - she didn't believe that my area would allow for a career path for her. She also said that she knows it's hard for me to hear things like that without looking at it as a problem to solve.

I've done my best to figure that out, but she's told me after the fact after suggesting homes that it won't work for $(reasons) that are not immediately obvious to me as a non-resident.

One thing that seems to be a consistent pattern in what you write is that she has an objection, you suggest something that may solve it, and she comes up with a new objection, only loosely based on the old one. Although she almost certainly does have reasons for what she's saying, I would hazard a guess that she isn't actually telling you them; whether because she doesn't know her true reasons, she's worried you won't respect her true reasons, or her true reasons are not good for you.

Something you could try would be to let her take the lead on trying to solve the issues she's presenting; for example, ask her to send you listings for/schedule some tours/set up some open house visits (whichever of these you can stomach) for properties in the area that she'd want to move into with you. This changes it from being something that she is vetoing into something she needs to make a positive suggestion towards, which can re-orient her towards thinking of it as a possibility, as opposed to her thinking of everything that makes it impossible.

Similarly, try to tease out of her what her plans are for her career - she is currently working in hospitality, but is that her plan forever? If the two of you have kids, what school would you be sending them to? Would she be working full time, or part time, or none of the time? Again, the goal is to make it a real possibility in her mind that it could be long term, and to let her come up with the information she actually cares about.

I know you really want it to work out with this woman, but I do get a sense that she is just waiting for something better to come along. My advice would be to not commit to anything yet, but try to figure out if my (and several other commenters') fears are accurate. And to do that, I think you need to figure out why she's actually objecting.

Best of luck - I hope that I'm wrong and that this does work out for you.

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