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Notes -
I will often go on record defending the good name of men from criticism, but I think men are generally more commitment-phobic than women. That is all it takes to convince women that men are commitment-phobic, because they’re comparing them to themselves and not to a hypothetical ideal.
For market reasons, a lot of men become attached to women they consider less than their ideal, and likewise for market reasons said women try to lock down the higher-than-expected man who’s Just Not That Into Her. Men also have a hard time with a commitment to monogamy, because they see it as a lot to promise (and a lot to expect from) one lady in particular.
It’s relatively common for women to end up in long term relationships with guys they’d wish would move more quickly. Actually if your partner never wishes to move more quickly than you as a man, that’s a red flag that She’s Not That Into You.
It’s just a pretty clear fact to me that, as a population, women move more clearly towards commitment and men just don’t, setting aside if he’s madly in love with her, then all bets are off.
That said, I also am often disappointed that the perspective I bring about what it’s like to be a man is often unacknowledged by women in internet discussions, but that just is what it is. Women in my personal life are occasionally able to have a real discussion about gender roles and experiences, and I learn more from that anyway.
How a woman regards your perspective on gender roles as a man is highly dependent upon how she perceives you, and men who comment critically on them on the internet start with a negative perception score which takes a lot to undo, because it’s perceived as being essentially sour grapes. “If he were actually a decent man,” they imagine, “he wouldn’t have so much to complain about.” To be fair, a ton of men complaining about dating on the internet is sour grapes and turns nasty pretty quickly.
But it’s still disappointing when I try hard to understand the perspective of women and state my concerns in a way that concedes ground and establishes good will, and then receive negativity or nothing in return. I think a positive way forward has to begin with mutual understanding and patience, but it’s often my impression that women aren’t willing to understand or have patience for men they consider low-status — and, after all, high-status men don’t need mutual understanding and patience, they already have status.
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