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Culture War Roundup for the week of September 21, 2026

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It's called a "nervous system" and LLMs do not have it.

(All modern) LLMs do have neural networks. The frontier ones these days have about as many inter-neuron connections as a small mammal.

LLMs are software performing math on a physical computer.

Yup. Your brain is software-equivalent, performing mathematically describable operations, on physical meat. Your firmware needs hardware to run, and only feels pain while it's running; even if we could make a perfect scan of your brain, it wouldn't actually continue to feel anything unless it could be reinstantiated on some hardware again. A running LLM, like a brain, is a physical object, not just software.

If the physical part of an LLM feels pain, then it doesn't need an LLM - your computer is feeling pain when it suffers from an overtemperature warning because you've been playing Crysis or whatever.

Yeah, it's not physical damage. We can dull or even eliminate human pain without reducing or eliminating the damage it signals, and we can signal real damage in more simple ways that don't involve pain, and we can create pain without creating corresponding damage.

If the math part of an LLM feels pain, then Magic: The Gathering can feel pain, since the game is Turing complete.

In a running game? Yup! It sounds crazy that cards could feel pain, but it's no crazier than the fact that other configurations of protons, neutrons, and electrons can feel pain. Nerd-powered cardboard is a pretty wild substrate, but so is ATP-powered meat. You'd probably need several orders of magnitude less than an octillion cards, whereas our brains still have to get into the octillion-particle range before they're complex enough to start chatting about pain, but on the other hand our brains can register pain in a fraction of a second whereas the cards would probably take hours to weeks depending on the interconnect speed and the players.

I think both of these conclusions are absurd.

They are! That's why it's called "the hard problem of consciousness". It really feels like qualia should require protons, neutrons, electrons, and magic! The trouble is that we keep looking deeper and deeper and we keep finding more and more of what looks like "thought" that just runs on neurons with no sign of magic involved. Without magic (or at least new laws of physics allowing for hypercomputers), the link I gave before still applies. Despite my somewhat ironic tone, I really sympathize with the Young Earth Creationist stance that qualia do require divine magic that's just too hard for us to observe, a separate magisterium indefinitely beyond science. Meat, though, does not appear to be magic, does not appear to be beyond science, and seems to do all its thinking and feeling via a neural network generated by a hundred-million or so generations of stochastic selection.

(All modern) LLMs do have neural networks.

Do you understand the difference between a neural network and a nervous system?

We can dull or even eliminate human pain without reducing or eliminating the damage it signals, and we can signal real damage in more simple ways that don't involve pain, and we can create pain without creating corresponding damage.

Because there are preexisting nervous systems with pathways we can exploit. An LLM does not have them, and neither does a GPU.

It sounds crazy that cards could feel pain, but it's no crazier than the fact that other configurations of protons, neutrons, and electrons can feel pain.

This is like saying that it's crazy that a pig can fly, but not crazier than that a bat can fly. No! Actually it is crazier! Bats have wings! Bats are built to fly! Pigs are not.

They are! That's why it's called "the hard problem of consciousness".

I know why it's called the hard problem of consciousness, but we don't even have the reach the hard problem of consciousness when we can reach for the fact that computers and LLMs have no nervous systems. Pain is a phenomenon that arises in humans and animals with the correct equipment to perceive pain. It does not arise in a rock. It does not arise in a GPU, or an arbitrarily large deck of cards. It does not arise in a tree, even though trees are living things which (like humans) can use chemicals to send signals so that their bodies can respond to danger because trees lack a nervous system and nociceptors.

If we can be confident that trees do not feel pain because they lack the correct equipment, we can be confident that large language models cannot feel pain because they also lack the correct equipment.

Meat, though, does not appear to be magic, does not appear to be beyond science, and seems to do all its thinking and feeling via a neural network generated by a hundred-million or so generations of stochastic selection.

And to argue that large language models can feel pain is precisely to argue against this conclusion. We have a pretty good idea of how pain signals work, and that's via meat. LLMs are not meat; if you think non-meat can feel pain, then you don't just believe meat is beyond science, you believe matter is beyond science and that non-living things, despite not being possessed of a nervous system and nociceptors, can nevertheless feel pain. You believe pain is not something that arises from a very specific arrangement of matter despite the vast amount of research and personal experience in your own life showing it to be so, but rather some transcendent universal quality that can be accessed and experienced by entities that do not have the capacity to do so as we understand it.

Stipulating for the sake of argument that a large language model is conscious: we cannot know what it is like to be a large language model. Its qualia would be extremely alien to us. (This is not an argument that requires any mystical priors: we cannot know what it is like to be a shark, either.) The reverse also holds: a large language model cannot know what it is like to be a human being, a mammal, or an animal. Our qualia would be too alien to it. Thus, it cannot perceive pain because pain is something that happens in meat.