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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   34483 thread views

Culture War Roundup for the week of March 13, 2023

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Part two: what I actually meant to ask, even though that's not where the discussion went

What I can offer:

  • I will cheerlead your goals, brainstorm with you how to pursue them, make time and space in the relationship for them to be a priority.

  • I will communicate my desires directly, including occasionally saying "I don't know, I just want something I can't articulate" or "I just want you to magically read my mind" if that's what I want. I am pretty in touch with my desires, of which I have many, and I don't like beating around the bush. (if you prefer more indirect, coy communication I am not for you. I don't do indirect flirting, I do "let's have sex")

  • I value regular and high quality sex, and will actively pursue it as a goal.

  • assuming you are admirable (otherwise why I am in a relationship with you), I will express my admiration frequently, including to our kids. Similarly I will both provide and demand physical affection frequently. (once again, if this isn't for you, it's no longer something being offered but a warning.)

  • I am shit at housework and will be hiring cleaning help.

  • I will do extensive research on big life decisions and provide summaries as needed for why I think the correct choice is X and what case could be made for alternative Y. I'll handle the load of researching correct child rearing, correct mortgage borrowing, etc.

  • I will handle necessary social coordination of who is doing what with whom and why this matters and where we need to respond how.

  • I will be a highly involved parent

Etc.

In exchange, what I expect from a partner:

  • someone who will make space for me to nurture my social network, i.e. willing to enable me to host social events, carve out time and money to support my friends, etc

  • regular orgasms

  • large quantities of physical affection

  • an intelligent and thoughtful sounding board for thinking out major life decisions

  • highly involved parent

  • whatever our disagreements, always backs me up in public and does not undermine me in front of other people.

  • equal partner around the house (but this can simply be paying for more cleaning help)

There's some asymmetries here, I don't care if my partner is good at communicating their needs, even though that's something I offer on my end.

Also this isn't even close to a complete list, it's just a sample, which makes me realize that the scope of the question was too ambitious. Oh well. I'm too tired to continue writing, but felt like I had promised this second part of the response, so here it is, even if incomplete.

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