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Notes -
This is a big-picture issue worthy of an effortpost, but the line is fully blurred in many cultures. The pro-trans lobby has spent a lot of time and effort looking for examples of culturally normative trans identities in non-Western cultures, and they have found quite a few - kathoeys in Thailand, hijras in India, what used to be called berdache but are now lumped in the broader label of two-spirit in many (but by no means all) Native American tribes. The malakoi who Paul condemns in 1 Corinthians were probably a similar phenomenon in the Hellenistic Greek culture of the eastern Roman Empire. But these aren't examples of woke-Western choose-your-own-gender - they are specific "third genders" with just as restrictive rules as the two main genders. And they are all basically the same third gender - effeminate androphilic AMABs who are (from a secular perspective) licit sex partners for straight men - equivalent to Blanchards HSTS.
Of course, the fact that this group exists and is regularised in a middle-income country like Thailand makes it possible to poll them. And what we find out is that "Are kathoeys really women?" simply doesn't matter that much to the people it affects. And we see the same thing with African-American gay culture before it assimilates to white gay culture - was Marsha Johnson really a trans woman, or was she a drag queen? Very obviously, she didn't care.
The distinction you make in the two modes of homosexuality in your second paragraph is interesting. It seems to match to a pattern I've noticed among homosexuals myself, where more effeminate gay men tend to have monogamous partners serially, whereas more masculine passing gay men tend to operate in the first relationship style you describe with older/younger males (and also this tends to overlap with triad/poly relationships among gay men much more than the effeminate mode does.)
In my personal experience, growing up, the media I consumed tended to depict gay relationships in the former fem/monogamous mode, so I sort of believed I was meant to operate in that mode as well, but as I grew older I realized I was drawn to the second type of gay relationships much more, which also coincided with my personal behaviors shifting from effeminacy to more masculinity. Or rather my self perception that shifted from a more feminine self image to a more masculine one as I aged.
I think the two modes maybe derive from the psychological concept of self that a gay man can hold: He asks himself, Do I identify more with my effeminacy and need to sort of castrate a man to be in control sexually? Or am I secure enough in my masculinity that I can adopt this other mode of relationships where I am the bull/dad/dominant partner/alpha? This also stems from the fundamental nature of homosexuality making odd compromises necessary. Most gay couples I know with small age gaps tend to grate at each other over time because the fundamental power structure is unbalanced when they are too evenly matched physically, age gap relationships tend to be more stable and longer lasting. The monogamous/effeminate relationships can be interpreted to reflect feminine values (safety seeking, "soft power") and the prison/military sexuality reflects masculine values (pleasure seeking, "hard power"), both deriving from the uncertainty of the homosexual ego as to his particular optimal role in relationships.
There is also a class and culture component to this today, where I see more well to do gay men and men from cities in monogamous/feminine relationship mode and more working class/rural men in more of the older/younger masculine mode.
This also reflects an interesting distinction in Middle Eastern/Islamic culture where homosexuality has traditionally been an age gap relationship, which seems to be relatively tolerated, compared with the basically western/modern invention of the feminine mode of homosexuality coupled with LGBT identity which is seen as forbidden and not tolerated in Middle Eastern cultures.
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