041223
1yr ago
I like that (CBT?) approach, but I'm not sure one way interactions will put me on the defensive. What triggers me is when someone initiates the blame game. Even if I manage to stay professional in the moment, I become uncharitable the rest of the day.
041223
1yr ago
How do I stop being such a judgmental midwit? I come from an average/below average intelligence family and happened to show signs of intelligence that were mostly cancelled out by my lows. However my father was such a narcissistic, hypercritical asshole that I developed a defense mechanism of reflecting his disdain towards me back onto him. It's been over 10 years and I'm mostly happy, but it's still a habit whenever I get into a belligerent mood, to quickly become dismissive of someone's intelligence and commit fundamental attribution error. On the one hand it works to de-escalate and allows me to physically relax, but I also feel bad afterwards because it's hypocritical, and smarter people whom I admire don't seem to resort to this.
Maybe it would be clearer if I said this: My father was a bottom tier father, a hair better than deadbeats and abusers, but expected me to be a top 1% performer and grateful to him because he has delusions of grandeur and never accepts blame. Any interaction that reminds me of that mismatched dynamic, causes me to write the offending person off as unreasonable and someone who I shouldn't even bother engaging sincerely on any topic.
Example of being "unreasonably" blamed: A nearly finished project is running right on schedule. We would have been done if I hadn't been micromanaged by the client, which has been a huge pita and extra work for me. They suddenly want to move up the deadline and send us an email highlighting my "lack of progress" and cc's my boss. I push back (with full backing from my manager), but for the rest of the day, I feel combative and become noticeably short with people. And when I'm in such a mood, it greatly increases the chances of a fight with my girlfriend.
Examples of others rejecting "reasonable" criticism: My younger brother takes after our dad, and is a bit of a fuck up, but would always insist he'd be fine. He has immense confidence, I'll give him that, but when things did go south, he always blamed someone else and learned nothing. Similarly, I have childhood friends who have repeatedly fucked up or nearly fucked up our plans to do things together by being careless planners, but maintain cavalier "we'll figure it out" attitudes.
All these people are now labeled "idiots" in my mind, that's why their assessments of reality don't make sense, I tell myself. Fair and unfair is subjective, and the irony that I have become an even more extreme version of what I hate, complete with my own delusions of grandeur, scares me. That, and figuratively "taking my ball and going home" whenever someone triggers me is a losing strategy.
More options
Context Copy link