Boarchariot
3d ago
I am very against holding onto things. Personally, my job (chef) has taught me that space is as much of a resource as time or money (or charity). Cluttered spaces are unpleasant, less productive, and (as you note) really weigh on your mind. And very often, holding onto something just means throwing it out later, and losing out on the free space in the meantime.
My partner is a bit like your wife. She picked up some habits from her parents and situation growing up, and doesn’t like to waste anything. I think it's an admirable trait and something I also strive for, but there is a cost/benefit ratio that just doesn’t pay off sometimes.
I would recommend talking and seeing if she would be willing to compromise on certain things. Let her determine the things that absolutely shouldn't be thrown out, and work your way down. Maybe something like a value threshold for larger items, or a par level (>10 rags means garbage). You can look at it more globally, like considering how much you value an hour of your time in dollars. Compare that to the value of the item and how much work it takes to properly dispose of it, and you might find that stuff under $50 (or whatever amount) isn't worth the hassle.
What I found with my partner is that she feels bad getting rid of stuff that could be put to better use, but that dissipates if I want to deal with it. I would say aim to start fresh. See if she is OK with you dealing with the current pile, and you can discuss what guidelines to follow in the future. I think just starting to deal with it will help get the ball rolling.
Boarchariot
6d ago
On the contrary to the comments below, you should consider your activity overall. Hurting your back rolling over in bed is a sad fact of adulthood for many people, but if it happens after a week of intense back or leg workouts...
No sense in being ashamed. I also don't think you have to totally reassess your summer. However, you need to consider easing into extra training volume or new training loads. That means not going all out, or even moderately hard at first. Your body is going to stop moving optimally before you can't move a weight. Usually that means compensating somewhere else when a weaker muscle gets tired, and something gets tweaked.
The first thing that popped into my head when I read what happened to you is that you were doing a one-sided twisting motion followed by kettlebell exercises. It's easy to overwork specific parts of the body that way. Training volume plays a role in injury, but training while subtly twisting your core or favouring one side is what is likely the direct cause. Taking time to recalibrate your balance and symmetry between those things can help, if you plan on golfing more often. Stretching and mobility is often left by the wayside, but it will help you recover (and prevent those freak accidents while shaving). Warm up to your working sets with mobility, balance, lighter weights, and concern for how your body feels. Numbers are a measure of performance, but performance is what you actully want to improve.
Boarchariot
11d ago
Pressure, stress, and thinking hard are connected to movement which probably plays a role. Pacing, tapping a foot or shaking a leg while sitting, just being more tense in general... along with the things you've noticed.
Boarchariot
17d ago
Do chin-ups as long as they feel OK to you. Negatives are decent, so are bodyweight row variations. If you want, you can do assisted pull-ups using bands.
The simple answer, though, is that if tou want to get better at something, do more of it.
Boarchariot
1mo ago
Anec-datally, many non-runners end up unable to walk. As with most sports, extreme performers will be prone to performance-related injuries. But I don't think there's any reason to believe that moderate running leads to debilitating joint health. You'll find a lot of conflictong studies and ways of looking at things.
Running sessions should probably be less intense than people normally think, and coupled with exercises to help form and general strength. Joints, bones and tendons are the most likely things to get injured from overuse, and take a lot of training to strengthen. Cardiovascular endurance in an untrained athlete improves much faster than tendon strength. Distance should be increased quite gradually, while paying respect to your ability to run with proper form.
Boarchariot
1mo ago
Everyone's got a story about how they read so much back in the 90's/00's. But they pick up a book now, and... it's just not entertaining.
Personally I see it as two seperate issues.
First, phones/videogames/social media are addicting. I find myself messing around on my phone long after it is fun, just cycling between apps. For whatever reason that's hard to quit, even if doing almost anything would be more entertaining.
Second, I still read. Usually just before bed (highly recommend doing this instead of phone use before bed). But learning to enjoy books is hard if you don't read a lot. I don't think it's any different from other media; you have to develop and choose books that are to your taste. I distinctly remember reading many books as a kid and not liking them (I was a more voracious reader then). There are still books I read because I think they are valuable but not particularly viscerally enjoyable. But if you want to compare they joy from reading to the dopamine rush of social media, you need to read books you enjoy reading.
Sounds silly, but I think people have the tendency to choose books because they should read them rather than because they want to read them (self included). Go read a book meant for entertainment if you need a fun replacement to social media. Or don't be afraid to put a book down. Reading isn't inherently a slog, but some books are.
Boarchariot
1mo ago
My partner takes ADHD medication regularly. She works an office job (mostly from home) that imvolves a lot of tedious grunt work.
The impression I have is that her medication is necessary for her to succeed at her job. Some of that is practical (being able to concentrate) and some of that is mental (not getting down about being disorganized or meeting the expectations of her colleagues).
From an outside perspective it seems like a constructed problem. Staring at spreadsheets, meeting arbitrary deadlines, and having no personal interaction with anything tangible seem like huge hurdles to focus. So the issue isn't concentration in general, it is concentration in the face of really tedious and unengaging tasks for long periods of time. I don't know if you’re in the same situation, or if agreeing with that would make you feel better about having to take stimulants. Like most things, it's a combination of personal abilities and the environment to which people are forced to adjust, rather than just a personal shortcoming.
Boarchariot
1mo ago
Not only have you been friends with childhood pals for a long time, but you also had numbers on your side. 20+ people to make friends with every year for 12 years is incomparable to the (lack of) opportunities you have as an adult. On the bright side you hopefully have a better idea of the kind of person you like in a friend.
Meeting friends of friends can be a decent way of meeting people outside your usual sphere. But the real question is, what do you want out of your friends? Intimacy, mutual support, etc? To do that you have to gradually expand the scope of a friendship. It happens with time and effort.
Boarchariot
1mo ago
Something along those lines is common, in my experience. It's a bit discouraging, but the subset of people will get progressively interested in you gets progresively smaller.
Total people on the app > people who will see your profile > people who will like you > people who will actually respond > people who agree to a date > dates that actually happen
For a lot of people, online dating is nerve-wracking, leading to flakiness. And most people will prioritize other events or commitments above a first date with someone they've never met, leading to further flakiness.
Just stick with it. You're going to have to talk to a lot of people before you click with someone.
Boarchariot
1mo ago
Move states. A change in scenery can help. An honest consideration might just moving somewhere with more sunlight. Places that are cold and dark most of the year don't help anhedonia.
Or take the opposite route and go volunteer for something purposeful. What purpose? Whatever you want. Don't want anything? Try something arbitrary that other people want, and maybe you'll see what they see.
Or invest in bettering yourself in some pursuit. Running, lifting weights, origami, piano tuning... whatever.
But I don't think there is any way for people on the internet to convince you of meaning, purpose, or enjoyment. You have to venture out and do things.
Doing things hasn't worked? Do new things.
Boarchariot
1mo ago
Go do things that are viscerally enjoyable. See some mountains, or the ocean. Go for a walk in the woods. Do some star gazing. Take a trip to a national or state park. You can't see or experience anything cool after skipping to the end, so enjoy the ride. You'll get there eventually anyway, no need to be hasty.
Boarchariot
1mo ago
I've met far-right pagans in the metal scene when I was younger. Far right ideology used to be very present in underground metal, but in person there's pushback so the people I met were low-key and didn't talk about it unless comfortable. Definitely more of a presence online where you could find tonnes of shitty black metal cassettes with undertones of white supremecy amd paganism. Even some larger black metal acts lean into it. Not sure nowadays, I assume it is still present but more lowkey or rare.
Boarchariot
2mo ago
Maybe the healthcare system where you are is different, but why not a physiotherapist? In my experience, the biggest benefits you will get from a chiropractor are temporary or coincide with physio techniques. Do a bit of research and find a physiotherapist who deals with athletics (maybe running specifically). Back pain is weird. Unless there was an injury that sparked the pain, it sounds like an issue with form and overcompensation. Usually that means taking break from aggravating activities, doing strengthening exercises, and mobility work. There often isn't a dramatic one time fix.
Boarchariot
3mo ago
Glad you got some clarity, and I hope things get better from here. Those are very sensible steps. You and Syreen both sound like loving partners who care deeply about one another, a great foundation for any challenge that comes your way.
Boarchariot
3mo ago
There are all sorts of books and websites out there. Career Test is a decent website. My experience is that many resources are too specific since career paths often take unexpected twists and turns based on all sorts of factors.
I switched career paths a few years ago and it worked out really well. A lot of that was chance. I became a chef so many things will not be applicable. But some things that helped in retrospect:
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I was able to get work experience before getting too invested. I got a basic line cook job at a local restaurant (probably not an option for many careers) and it gave me the chance to understand the work environment and skills required in the job. I took two years of school and was able to work in my chosen field at the same time, so while the job isn't a huge money-maker at the start, it's not an initial money sink either.
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I switched to a career I enjoy and am good at. As someone who is (probably) older, you have a leg up in these areas since you probably know your preferences and strengths better than someone in high school. Use that understanding to your advantage.
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Speaking of strengths, consider the mundane, day-to-day skills you will need in your career. Those are usually more important than the blatant advertised skills e.g. organization, time management, procedural thinking, customer service, flexibility, team work, stress management, creativity are all as important as being able to cook well for my job, and are required in order to grow. You can learn the skills specific to the job, but you won't get direct lessons on the soft-skills. Again, this probably gives you a leg up on some people who go into a career from school.
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Consider the lifestyle. Physical fitness, whether you will be standing or sitting all day, doing the same thing or variety, etc. Those preferences and abilities are huge in the long run. They also put a lifespan on your career path.
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School is useful for networking, learning is secondary. Being a student opens opportunities to work in better places and build connections with important people. People who wouldn't otherwise give you the time of day will pay attention to you as a student who demonstrates a willingness to learn and work hard, so use that to your advantage if you end up going to school. Culinary school was worth the money to me for that alone. Other careers will require you to go to school for accreditation, just don't lose sight of the other benefits.
Boarchariot
3mo ago
You have been in the relationship for a long time, but how close and intimate is the relationship? You live separately, are long distance, you are having trouble with sex, and you are posting on an online forum for advice instead of having a conversation with your partner. I could be wrong, but based on this post, I am guessing one of the biggest hurdles you will have is being honest with yourself and Syreen, and addressing the deep-seated concerns you have about your relationship.
As someone who has had casual sex, it can be fun, but not much more than that. Flings range from "meh" to "pretty good". The best sex I have ever had is with a partner in the comfort of a relationship where we have communicated our preferences over time. I get that there's a bit of FOMO about casual sex if you've never done it, but you have to ask yourself if the underlying reason for your sudden curiosity is an underlying anxiety about your relationship and avoiding hard considerations. To me, your post reveals a waning attracting to your partner (maybe in relation to some mundane but scary choices you have to make), while doing everything you can to avoid addressing it by deferring to the more exciting notions of casual sex, kinks, etc. which are missing in your life.
I've always taken the exact opposite approach to finding a relationship (sex very early, build a connection after) for better or worse. The things you note as being great in your relationship reflect how it was built. It is calm, you have compatible values, it is focused on long-term growth and stability. But the things that have been put the side are now becoming concerns: excitement, sex, and physical compatibility. The good news is that a loving long-term partner is a great foundation for communication and exploration. It will just require work and conscious consideration if those things haven't come as naturally.
I think you need to be real about your sexual attraction to your partner, and consider changing the physical dynamic you have. Living with a partner changes the dynamic. If the majority of your time is spent away from one another and only visiting sporadically, you don't really know what living together is like. To me, marriage would be a pretty scary notion if I wasn't confident in the long-term viability of sex and mundane living with my partner (among many other things). You will probably have to have some nerve-wracking conversations about your worries. But addressing those worries should strengthen your relationship in the long-run and allow it to grow, if that seed is there.
Specific advice: don't cheat. If you end up breaking up with your partner because you want to experiment, aren't ready to settle, etc. then it will be hard, but you aren't doing anything particularly shitty. Some relationships run their course. Cheating is the worst possible outcome. Start with honest communication, and end with honest communication (or perhaps continue with honest communication, happily ever after, for the rest of your life).
I went to Montessori school, and then a regular local public school. I don't know if it was that the Montessori style complemented my natural inclinations or formed some of them, but I was always an independent student. Also weird in a variety of ways, and I think my parents gave up on curbing my eccentricities pretty early (and my teachers were all very accepting). I would have been miserable or rebellious if that wasn't the case, I'm sure. But in terms of school and learning I was always interested and curious, and naturally did well (which is what every parent hopes for, but is entirely unhelpful as advice).
I went to the local grade school by foot every day, and came home for lunch for most of my early school years. It felt like school was just an extension of my backyard. That changed in middle school, which was reached by bus. The only extracaricular activity I was ever part of was band in middle school, and the teacher was great. Most of the teachers I had were good, and a handful were very formatice and memorable. My parents did not push any interests on me and supported my interests when they arose.
My mom went to the local high school as a kid and hated it, and it was known for being even rougher by the time I was set to go. I applied to a few different special programs in the area and ended up going to an arts program a bit further away. The extra expenses (bus transport and material fees) were paid by my parents.
It was a regular local high school for some people, and you could see the difference in investment between students who chose to be there versus the students who were local. The teachers were exceptional, but I think students wanting to be there made their jobs easy. I'm confident that I was much happier going to that school than I would have been at the local school. As you can imagine the music, theatre and art kids in highschool were a pretty open minded crowd. I never felt weird or ostracized, and I was able to focus on learning and making friends. The horror stories from other high schools (fights, bullying, drugs) weren't really an issue at mine.
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