throwaway1888
9mo ago
She’s calling around to find a lawyer and set up a meeting. I’m not relying solely on internet strangers.
I’m asking in large part to quiet my racing brain until the appointment.
throwaway1888
9mo ago
Does anyone have the background or experience to advise on this family issue? Changing all of the names and some of the facts for privacy, but keeping true to the essentials:
My sister Ruth and her ex-husband Danny have 50-50 custody of their children. Shortly before their divorce, one of Danny's family members, to whom he had always been close, was arrested for truly disgusting behavior with an adolescent boy. This man, John, confessed and struck some sort of plea bargain. He got probation instead of prison time, and he was not placed on the sex offender registry. Ruth and Danny agreed that John could never be alone with their children. It would have been smart to write this into the custody agreement, but it did not occur to Ruth that she might need to.
In the years since, Danny has not cut John out of his life or the kids' lives. John is still invited to birthday parties and dinners at home. The kids have been dropped off at his house to be babysat by his wife. When they hit their teens last year, Ruth asked Danny to inform them of John's history and of the rule that they were never to be alone with him. Danny dragged his feet for six months, but he did eventually comply.
Recently, she saw on social media that Danny and the kids were on a camping trip with John and his wife. She asked Danny if he was still enforcing their agreed-upon boundary. Danny told her she had already been too overbearing on this subject, and that her questions were "unreasonable" and "controlling." He went on to say, "Fuck off, you take plenty of risks," and, "If you don't trust my parenting, hire a lawyer."
Last week, one of the kids told Ruth of John taking him on a cool shopping trip just the two of them.
Ruth is looking for an attorney. Until she talks to one, I can't get these questions out of my head:
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How big is the risk? On the one hand, John was lightly sentenced for a first offense. On the other hand, there were informal accusations many years prior. His official victim was pubertal and unsuspecting; Ruth's kids are a bit older and forewarned. As far as she can tell, John has never been inappropriate with them. What's the correct level of alarm?
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What is the most efficient way to keep John away from the kids? A restraining order? He is on probation, or at least he was a few years ago. How likely is it that he still is, and that one of the conditions is no contact with minors? Can Ruth find out? Can she just inform someone, and he'll get arrested, and she won't have to fight with Danny about it?
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Is there something seriously wrong with my ex-brother-in-law? He was always an asshole, but this just seems nuts. Does Ruth need to completely reassess how she co-parents with him?
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Is Danny endangering his custody here? "Fuck off, you take plenty of risks," was sent via text. That is in writing, on the record, as his response to questions about bringing a child molester camping with his kids. This seems phenomenally stupid.
I understand if no one is comfortable offering anything resembling legal advice on this. In general, it may be too big/personal/nasty a problem for the Wellness Wednesday thread.
But I'd appreciate thoughts on question #3. My sister's mental model of her ex seems confused at best. Until recently she insisted that, whatever her ex's faults, he was "a good dad." She has chosen not to make an issue out of other things that alarmed me, and she claims this tolerance comes from a genuine desire to co-parent peaceably for the children's sake. She doesn't want to be micromanaged in her own home either. Besides, in many ways, her ex can be reasonable, flexible, and amicable.
But I suspect her conflict aversion actually results from just how unpleasant he can be when challenged. He once tried to "win" a petty power struggle with forgery, taking out a debt in her name to leverage it against her.
Nevertheless, her ideal resolution to this issue is that, after consultation with the lawyer, she has a face to face meeting with her ex, asks him to commit to enforcing the existing rule, and explains what legal steps she'll take if he doesn't. He agrees, and she drops it until she's presented with evidence of noncompliance.
Every time she tells me this, my head very nearly explodes. I don't think supportive big brothers, no matter how protective, are supposed to yell, "Are you fucking stupid? What the fuck are you talking about, 'getting him to agree'? He is a proven lying shitbag. Seek a court order now banning all contact, or you're as bad as he is."
Am I crazy, or is she?
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