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I think this is 80% of the way there, but doesn't properly consider the actors involved. Which isn't that surprising, neither the newlywed OP nor a devout Catholic should be expected to understand sluts.
I agree with you that the goal of Aella et al's definition is to convince people that polyamory is "nice," but the target isn't self-deception (sluts fundamentally do not care about that, making love is self-justifying), nor is it the broader public (who will never be convinced). The target of deception is the cuckolded partner at home. They are the audience, and as long as they are persuaded, the system works. One is able to be a slut in a partner-approved way. This is why Aella's definition makes a lot more sense than @ymeshkout's: the difference between polyamory and cheating is the cuckolded partner's reaction.
For reference, here is an old SA
[Note: I'm going to engage in some unwarranted psychoanalysis of our man Scott based on his decade old work. I don't know if SA still defines himself as Asexual, or if it was a passing-phase or a temporary side effect of pharmaceuticals. I don't recall him mentioning it recently, the article is a decade old, and more recently my man got married and has been more socially conservative in general]
Now, compare SA's writing at the time, how he situates himself. At the time, at any rate, much of his schtick was nice nerdy guy who can't talk to girls. Many of his early bangers are explicitly situated around a failure to get girls. At the same time, he defined himself as asexual, as lacking libido. Let's flatten that character into a type within the poly discourse: your nerdy, nebbish, herbivore. Not particularly libidinous, not particularly attractive. He doesn't really desire multiple partners, he barely desires one partner. But, he can be convinced to allow his partner to pursue multiple partners.
Aella, taken as a type, does not require the intellectualizing exercise of creating polyamory. She can just fuck. Fucking is self-justifying: it is pleasant and therefore it is good.
The high libido, attractive partner doesn't need a justification for having multiple partners, any more than the rich capitalist needs a justification for owning multiple large houses while the poor patch up their hovels. The capitalist doesn't need capitalism, indeed he will continue to have his beautiful mansion even if he goes to church and prays "Blessed are the poor" or even if he participates in a communist government. The person who needs to be convinced is the poor. Capitalist propaganda isn't designed to get capitalists to buy things, they will do that on their own. It is designed to get the prole to feel that it is right that the capitalist has much and he has little, it is designed to keep the proletariat from taking action to equalize things. Polyamory is the natural concomitant of Capitalism: to each according to their ability. Monogamy is the natural concomitant of Socialism and Democracy: to each according to their need.
Poly propaganda isn't designed to convince hot, horny people to have more sex, they will do that on their own. It is designed to persuade nebbish, nerdy, borderline asexuals to let them do it, without doing anything about it. Hence the naturalization (Sex at Dawn, everyone wants to do it, things can be no other way we're just being honest about it), hence the moralization, hence the justification of everything. The only party that matters is the SA's of the world, the meek partners who accept; the Aellas of the world will act on their own.
While you have something there, I do think that the Bay Area set (to use that label as a signifier of things I'm vaguely gesturing at with regards to the liberalism, nerdiness, possible clusters of neurodivergence, certainly very involved in 'alternative lifestyles' but with more emphasis on the theoretical underpinnings and philosophies of same, so not yer basic hippies, high earners or in the sphere of high earners, techie, STEM-y, rationalist/rationalist adjacent) are not just the usual swingers or players with a few hot people wanting to persuade lots of lower attractiveness but available (and desperate?) partners to accommodate their cheating under the guise of "this is not cheating or being cuckolded, this is poly and being open and generous and evolved above jealousy".
It does seem to me to be more the "nebbish, nerdy, borderline asexuals" who are persuading each other about this, and it does seem to be more about the vaunted New Relationship Energy (that is, an unceasing - so long as you can find new partners - source of the fizzy, exciting, pink fluffy clouds early stage of infatuation and romantic attraction that dissipates once the novelty wears off). It's not simply sex, it's this romantic attachment they're looking for, and the rest of it is the subsequent rationalisation by theory about how this is totally not old-fashioned cheating or affairs or sleeping around or polygamy/harems and so forth, it's a totally new way of evolved, respectful, open-minded and open-hearted relationships to do away with jealousy and drama and boredom etc.
Sex-positivity is aligned with that, but a separate thing on its own. For the mainstream, as you say, the hot and horny will have no trouble finding people to fuck, and no qualms around fucking, and it will probably go the way of "persuading my partner to give me permission to cheat" rather than the elaborate rituals and hierarchies of the poly as currently practiced bubble. But the current polyamorists are the theoreticians (ethical slut etc.) and very high-minded about it. Compersion, doncha know! Limerance! More jargon! (But ordinary people going poly seems to open the door for all kinds of extra drama, e.g. the trope of the guy who thinks he'll be drowning in pussy if he can just talk his reluctant girlfriend into opening up their relationship, then he finds out she's getting dates every night and he can't score with anyone; people who do 'go poly' and then one of the couple dumps the other because they've found a new love instead, and so on).
As it goes mainstream, well, this song fits 😁
Oh I think Poly has already burst containment and is a common memeplex from the Bay Area to Portland Maine.
My contention is that it has almost no impact on the actual rates of extramarital sex. What it has impacts on is the attitude of the cuckolded partner.
Which is why Aella's definition works: it focuses on the cuckolded partner rather than the cheating partner. In the same way that Financial Capitalism is, in a sense, not about the existence of rich bankers, rich bankers exist under any system, it is about the broad mainstream view of society being that the bankers deserve to be rich. Rich bankers existed under feudalism, but they were despised, subject to sudden expropriation if a king had a mind for it. Cheaters exist whether you have the poly framework or not, at best their justification is a backwards rationalization of what they were doing. The difference with Poly is the view of cuckolded partner on the situation.
Call me Pangloss, but I don't really think all this matters much, things will be as they have always been, some marriages will break up or descend into misery. Since time immemorial it has always been thus and thus shall it always be. Doctors run away with Nurses, Lawyers run away with Paralegals, Bankers run away with Secretaries, Farm Wives run away with Traveling Salesmen while Rich Wives run away with Tennis Instructors, Fathers run off with Babysitters, and Bartenders run off with...well just about everyone what the fuck were you thinking marrying a barkeep to start with? Infidelity is as old as marriage, or maybe even older.
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This is an amazing post.
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