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(Reposting in the latest Wellness Wednesday following a suggestion)
I am seeking advice on how to fix a chronic, persistent, extreme lack of discipline.
I am currently 25, live with my mother, I have failed out of college (again) and I currently work part time at a grocery store for minimum wage within walking distance (I still don't have my driver's license). The reason I failed out of college both times was that I just didn't show up to class. When I did show up, I passed the exams with no real problem and I managed to pass a few classes with that. I have yet to tell my mother I failed the second time. I went to a 4 year college, failed out of that, then went to a 2 year community college. The only reason I managed to get a degree was that it was during COVID years, so the standards were super lax. I'm pretty sure I missed a few final exams, didn't hand in almost any assignments and yet somehow I still passed. After passing, I went back to the 4 year school and went back to failing.
I only have the job because, after I finished the 2 year degree, I didn't sign up for classes for the 4 year college in time, so I was doing nothing for months. My mother kept telling me to get a job since I wasn't in school and was threatening to kick me out if I didn't. She gave me multiple deadlines that I blew past with no consequence, but I could tell she was getting increasingly fed up. I ended up getting a job and I'm pretty sure if I waited a month or two longer, I would've been kicked out.
After the second time I failed, I decided to go to a therapist. She told me to see a psychiatrist for ADHD. He eventually said I have ADHD, and even though I am still quite skeptical of the diagnosis (
for reasons I can go into if neededsomeone asked, so I answered here), I have been taking the Methylphenidate ER that I've been prescribed. I am only doing this because my mother has great insurance so all the therapists, doctors and medication is all paid for fully by insurance, but that will only last until I am 26 (close to a year from now). She also doesn't know I am going to a therapist, doctor or that I am taking any medicine.With regards to my job, for reasons that I still do not know, I am able to go to my job without missing a day. I am almost always a few minutes late (anywhere from 0 to 10 minutes), but given the super low standards of a minimum wage job, I never get reprimanded in any way for it. But, I still always show up, unlike my school classes. This confusion is part of what prompted me to go to therapy. I have repeatedly tried to figure out why I am late and to fix it, but nothing really worked.
So, the question is: what do I do? Here is me listing all the options I can think of
Continue going to therapy and seeing the psychiatrist. Both haven't been helpful so far (I've seen two therapists so far. the first abruptly told me she was leaving that practice. Both have been similarly effective), but maybe they just need more time. Hopefully, I will learn why I didn't go to class and fix that, then I will go back to school, finish my degree and get a job like "normal". My worry: it's been 3 months of this so far and I can't see any progress, so I am not too optimistic. Plus, I'm not sure I can hide me failing from my mother much longer and if she does find out, I'm pretty sure I will be kicked out. Maybe I need a new therapist? If it's not part of insurance, as all the good therapists seem to be, I don't think I'd be able to afford it with my minimum wage job. And, even though every therapist that doesn't take insurance says they offer it cheaper for people that find it hard to pay, I'm not sure I'd qualify since, even though I make little money, my mother makes decent money.
Give up on college, give up on therapy, the psychiatry, the adhd medication and try to find a job with the 2 year degree I have. Hope that what happened with me not going to college doesn't happen at my new job. My worry: doing this without understanding why I failed in college seems very risky. I'm also not sure I can find a good enough job to move out with just a 2 year degree.
Tell my mother. Hope she gives me another chance. But then what? What is my plan then? No idea. Plus, I am unsure I would even get another chance (or if I deserve one). I mean, would you give me one? I don't think I would.
Continue working my dead end job. Eventually, my mother will figure out I failed, maybe she'll give me another chance, maybe not, eventually I get kicked out. (doom scenario)
Am I missing any options? What should I do? How do I fix this extreme lack of discipline? How do I fix this extreme laziness? Have you, or anyone you know, fixed this extreme lack of discipline? How?
If it matters, for context I live in the New York metropolitan area. Also, "kicked out" in this context doesn't mean me being homeless. I'm not 100% sure, but it probably means me either living with my dad, or my brother. However, if I don't solve my issues, they would probably kick me out eventually as well, and after that, who knows.
One mental trick that's worked for me:
Tell yourself constantly that you'll procrastinate later. Make a deal with yourself. "If I do X, then I get to do Y later". If you don't do X, then you don't get Y.
This is a mental trick that helped me a fair bit; I also had trouble going to class. It wasn't the class I minded, it was the whole process, especially if the class was far or I needed to do significant prep work before class. Eventually I sort of turned it into a whole process where I'd get up early on the day I had to go to class, get a long shower, enjoy the walk, go to campus early and have a long, leisurely meal and coffee before class actually started and then finish it. If I didn't go to class, I didn't get to go through that whole process.
Similarly, childish "no movie tonight because I didn't finish this paper first" works. I find with this kind of bargaining that I do with myself, I end up enjoying the rewards more because I worked to balance them in my mind.
Also, look at your lifestyle and see what small habits you can build up to help you cultivate a sense of ownership and responsibility. Judging from your post there's a bunch of stuff you don't feel responsible for, both in your own life and that of others, and so naturally you are letting it slack. It doesn't have to be anything massive, like the health and wellbeing of your family members, but start small, like paying the bills and utilities for the house (mostly possible on even a minimum wage salary in 2024). Those responsibilities become guiding lights if used properly - you will know, always, that if you don't pay the power bill you will have no electricity, so you will make damn sure you pay it.
I can't speak for medication and therapy, In my own experience I found therapy mostly expensive waste, but I know others who've been on medication and they've said it helped.
I've tried similar things to this, but I either do something else I want to do that isn't part of the rule, literally forget my own rule and break it by mistake, or just break my own rule intentionally (and then feel really bad about it afterwards)
This is interesting. Maybe it can explain why I manage to go to work but not go to class? When I don't go to work, it's just a few people that work per shift, so I know it would be a huge hassle for the manager to call someone in, or if no one can come in, everyone else would just have to work harder to cover for me being gone. So, I feel responsible for all the extra work I'm putting on them. However, when I miss class, especially big lectures, I am able to slip through the cracks. No one really cares one way or the other if I show up or not. This also might explain why with some classes, it takes longer for me to stop going. With those classes, I usually made acquaintances with someone in the class, or I participated in class with the professor a lot in a small, discussion type class. A lot of those classes I still end up not showing up to eventually, but some of them I managed to actually pass. I need to think about how this fits other situations in my life
I have to say though, if this is correct, the solution is scary to me because it is basically "be more intertwined and interdependent with other people" which seems opposite to my goal of independence.
The latter is a good point, but nobody is really truly independent in the modern age. You use a product built off the back of hundreds of people and over a dozen different suppliers with their own unique supply chains to access the internet.
Instead of obsessing over how reliant you are on others, try becoming someone others are dependent on. Your whole mindset changes once you realize you've become that someone. I can't recommend climbing that tree too high, as it's awful for stress, but great for many things, not least of which is money.
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