Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.
Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
To the Motte, Seeking your sage wisdom, I come back asking for advice on how to make an LDR work.
Duration:
Best case - 4 months (with visiting)
Worst case - 7 months (with month long visit)
Medium case - 4 months without visiting
Time Delta: EST vs GMT+4:00, so 9 hours.
Overall sentiments: We want to make it work even though it's painful given its a new/fresh relationship and we know each other for roughly 4 months. (Things progressed very fast)
I am aware of the common pitfalls, failure modes, ways to make it work. But what are some unknowns and lesser known tips or pitfalls?
One that comes to mind is that undercommunication is a common failure mode, but so is overcommunication. Couples tend to overcompensate for the distance, but as a result overwhelm each other with their constant digital presence, which ultimately harms the relationship. I'm not sure exactly how to pull this off given my girl wanted almost constant communication while she was here and was very needy.
Another failure mode seems to be doing an LDR at all. Things would have picked up just fine once the partner was back and resulted in a healthy relationship, but going through an LDR results in the potential relationships failure due to the challenges it brings. I don't think this is a good strategy if things are already serious.
What are the signs you know it will work? How to make it work? Give me all your LDR knowledge.
While I'm not a relationship expert, I've had an LDR which eventually fell apart because we were poorly suited to one another; chemistry was great but values and interests didn't align. I've also been married (with kids) for more than a decade to my current partner.
The reason your relationship will or won't work is going to have more to do with your compatability and commitment to each other than any strategy you might have for dealing with physical separation. It sounds like you care about making it work, so do the things you would do in a regular relationship: work to be the best person you can be, listen, make time, and try to maintain mutual friends. This last one is huge; no one really seems to think about how your girl is much less likely to drop you if you're friends with her friends.
Just bear in mind that if this isn't a good match, there's probably nothing you can do to keep it going, and that's really OK. At this stage in your relationship part of the point is for each one of you to try to tell whether it's a good match, and that's not easy to be confident about until you've known someone for over a year. This isn't just true of girlfriends, it's true of coworkers, employees, neighbors, and just about anyone you might know. Enjoy it while it lasts, and good luck that the two of you are right for each other!
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link