(I was going to wait till Wellness Wednesday to post this as a comment, but the thread's blurb says it's not meant to be a containment and that advice requests can be posted as threads so here we are)
In dating, if you're ghosted, do you a) always move on stoically, b) always give it one more shot, or c) go with a mix of the two depending on circumstances?
After first or second dates, if I text a woman to set up another date and she doesn't reply, I just leave it alone. I sometimes wonder if there is an infinitesimal probability that maybe somehow my text got lost in the pipes, but if she wanted to see me again, she could always text me even if she thought I never contacted her. Sometimes the ghosting can be perplexing, like she'd already messaged me first after the date saying how she had a great time, and then after I respond asking to meet again, I don't hear back. But that's just dating or life in general--many or most people are flaky and undependable. It reminds me of how when I was procuring enterprise software for work that many sales reps don't even reply to requests for a quote. Speaking of sales, I remember reading a negotiation book whereby if you're the one selling, an effective trick to jumpstart wavering/cold leads is to ask them "have you given up on this project". Manipulative, sure, but all is fair in sales, love, and war.
But I occasionally see/hear stories of how some guy was super persistent despite being turned down and would eventually go on to win over the girl. I'm not talking about Hallmark movies from 20 years ago, but wedding announcements in the New York Times from like two weeks ago. But if we do talk about Hallmark, women sure seem to love romance stories featuring love interests who almost always turn down the protagonist the first time around. Reddit loves upvoting stories of how a couple ended up married despite the girl initially swiping left because of some silly reason like she didn't like his hat, but then they somehow met and fell in love. Part of this is probably because Reddit is disproportionately young and single and so wants to believe in second chances, but part of it is we celebrate persistence culturally: in work interviews, a candidate whom the hiring manager is mostly indifferent to but goes above and beyond to change their mind probably gets the job. I've met girls who tell me that guys who don't pursue them more energetically despite not receiving encouraging signals show that they aren't serious, and so disqualify themselves. And a recent ex actually turned me down when I asked her out, but then we hung out as friends a couple of times and she ended up saying yes when I asked a second time.
Now, to be clear, for most of these non-follow-ups I've been subject to, I didn't really think any of them was "the one", or else I likely would have given it another shot. Still, I enjoyed their company and it would have been fun to go out again. And I'd certainly prefer to be the one who decides to "let her go" rather than having her make the decision for me.
So sometimes I look back and wonder if I should have followed up one more time. Maybe go with something simple like "Hey--I really enjoyed meeting you and would love to see you again, but understand if you don't feel the same spark. I wish you the best!". It sounds cheesy and a bit needy, but costs nothing, barring maybe making the girl feel a bit uncomfortable for not taking a super obvious hint. Different women also have different preferences, whereby some will surely respond to "follow ups" more positively than others. And I'm not convinced that ghosting is some kind of self-unselecting filter for women who lack maturity, since there are enough men who take rejections very poorly that it does seem safer to just not reply as a rule of thumb.
So what do you do? Do you have a system for deciding if and when to follow up after not hearing back?
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Notes -
If ghosted, the most important thing is to not immediately take it personally and never make a big deal out of it or really mention it at all. There are all sorts of reasons why you haven't gotten the response you want. The truth is high quality women on the dating market are going to have a lot of people trying to get their attention, they're going to be going on multiple dates, and they're going to be talking to multiple people. Don't take it personally. Do not get wrapped up in the outcome of the messages or the dates. If you do, you will subconsciously project this and behave in a way which is off putting.
For me, I will pretend I don't realize I'm being ghosted and send a few messages spaced out by a week to a month or two explaining I'm doing something and invite them or imply an invite for them to come along if they like. For example, let's say you're in their part of the city: send a message saying you've done or are going to do something with friends nearby and say she should come along, meet up afterwards, it should be fun, etc. This makes it exceedingly easy for them since you already have a plan, it sounds fun, and it's not some big commitment. Do not engage in some conversation or dialogue with them not related to them physically meeting you soon.
After a few times spaced out over a month or two without response, I delete the number and move on.
ignore what women have to say about attracting them; they don't know
As an aside, do you really want to be involved with a person who wants or expects you to put in 10x the effort? I think my strategy is a good way to detach myself from taking something personally, spend a small amount of effort to filter people who have other reasons why they haven't responded to me, and still project the image of being exciting/fun and not dependent.
Other posters saying women are not going to be half-interested (or if they are, you don't want to be in that relationship) and I think that's largely correct, but you should give women multiple chances to get attracted to you if you are interested in them. It doesn't take much effort and in my experience it does work.
As always, quickly identify energy succubae. Do not engage in protracted dialogue on the phone or text. This is a numbers game. Give as many women as you can a chance to be attracted to you in situations where you look great. Don't take it personally.
Good luck out there!
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