The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Notes -
So, my birthday is tomorrow. Any advice for fighting the "birthday blues"? Particularly around feelings of having wasted one's life, being an utter failure as a human being, and yet likely still having so many more (pointless, futile) years ahead to suffer through?
A few questions:
Depends on how you draw the line between suburban or urban. Because I live in Anchorage, which is the largest city in Alaska, but which is also rather geographically spread out compared to towns in the Lower 48, and thus, by the density-based definition used by the federal government, this entire city — save the very core of downtown and a few blocks in our poorest neighborhood — are considered "suburban." Though, my area has also seen rising crime for the past couple of decades. Apparently, the local Walmart — where I get my prescriptions filled and do most of my grocery shopping — has the worst loss rates from shoplifting. Not the worst in the city, or the worst in the state, the worst period. It's probably going to close soon (I understand our state government is currently in talks with Walmart to try to prevent this), which will make my life harder.
So, probably best to go with "urban."
I have a yearly bus pass (takes most of my PFD), and I walk when I can (but much of the winter that's not really doable), or take a cab when I must. Plus, now that summer's over and he's not out of town working on the retirement home, I can sometimes get rides from my Dad.
Does having dinner with my parents and one of my two brothers (who lives with them) a couple of times a month count? How about being invited to see a movie by a friend a couple times a year (when he needs a break from the house and five kids)?
Edit: I agree with Substantial Frivolity. Volunteering to the degree you are able would be a good road for you.
First of all, at this point you’re halfway through your birthday, so happy birthday, please continue to stick around. Also, it’s a little late to give you direct birthday activity suggestions, so I will aim at trying to make your next birthday an improvement over this one.
General Thoughts:
You have a friend. You have a relationship with your family. Those are good things. I think it would help you to get used to being around other people and doing things with them, in larger groups, more often. And to just slowly, over time, let yourself enjoy it to the extent that you are able.
I’ll be honest, I only know of one free way to pull that off, but if you can find a free way you like more, or one that is cheap enough for you to do two or three times a month, those will help as well. I bet there probably are other places that are free or nearly so, I just don’t personally know about them. All of what follows is translatable to other types of free/nearly free gathering locations.
Okay, here’s the part you might not like. The only free version of this that I personally know of is church.
You don’t want a megachurch, because you’ll feel even more like a face in the crowd. I would say you want to ID every church in a distance you think is achievable in winter time, then go check them all out. Find one that has about 75-100 people in the pews and where there’s room to sit all the way in the back. If there’s an upper level of seating, that might be tempting, but sometimes the choir and musicians hang out up there and it can be hard to make a quick getaway. If it looks empty, you know, dealer’s choice on where you want to sit.
Bring an audiobook or something, put in an earbud, and just get used to being around a number of other people, who are basically all focused on their thing, at a cost of free ninety nine.
If anyone says anything to you, just make the usual mouth noises and disengage to get to your spot. Under no circumstances tell them anything about you that makes you sound like a potential convert. If they get pushy, just say you’re looking at churches in the area. If you don’t like the vibe, bail. Eventually, after weeks or months, the people of wherever you settle will grow used to this strange new newcomer and start trying to make actual small talk, which you can engage with or not as you please, but it will help you personally if you do it.
Eventually, you might get to feeling like part of a community and start wanting to pitch in on something. This is basically achievable without ever believing a word out of the preacher’s mouth, or doing any lying yourself, and is thus accessible to everyone no matter their personal moral code. But that feeling of being part of a community will do you a lot of good.
I’m not going to promise it will get you a job, although church folk usually do look out for each other and try to network those things once you are a known quantity.
I’m definitely not going to promise it will get you a wife and a family. But it will get you the sensation that you are part of a broader group than just your family and one friend, and that that group sort of vaguely cares about you and your wellbeing.
And you can have all these benefits for as close to free as you care to get, without ever changing your personal beliefs. You could be an atheist your whole life and still be a beloved and respected member of a church community, by just putting in the time and not being specific about some things.
If you’re still here, seriously, I am not saying you have to find a church specifically. That’s just the example that I know. If you can find something else that hits the positive points of church that I described above, do what moves you, man. Just find somewhere you can regularly be in a community of 50 or more people, and not necessarily have to talk much or ever.
Please don’t join a cult.
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