site banner
PaperclipPerfector  2d ago (text post)   1859 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 9, 2025

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.

1
Top Bottom Old Controversial Comments
Jump in the discussion.

No email address required.

Friend, I don't like the sound of this at all.

I'm reading a whole lot of you offering compromises and trying to make this work, up to and including possibly sending yourself to the hospital from mental distress, and a big fat goose egg nothing on her end. This whole thing is completely lopsided. When you find some reasonable solution to her objections to moving to your town, she comes up with a new reason/excuse why she can't move to you. This sounds like she's stringing you along. You say you're terrified of losing her, and I believe you, but does she echo the same feelings? I doubt it. It doesn't sound like she cares about you enough to overcome any obstacles to more permanent physical proximity.

I don't like to say it, but I've seen this behavior before. It sounds like there are irreconcilable differences, but really I think she's stonewalling you, stringing you along in case something better falls in her lap. It's also much more common for women to be the ones pushing for more commitment and it sounds like your constant attempts to fix the situation is actually pushing her away. She should be wanting to have these conversations, not ending them with her latest excuse and letting you stew about it. I'm wondering what your friends' takes are on this. It's hard to see these things from the inside.

Im wondering what your friends' takes are on this. It's hard to see these things from the inside.

It broadly breaks down into friends who know her well, and friends who don't. The friends who do not know her well almost universally land on "dump her ass".

Those who know her well seem to gravitate somewhere near "it's not perfect, but if you're both willing to accept things as they are, don't push it". She's stubborn about things sometimes. One of the more interesting viewpoints I've seen was her brother's. He thinks that she'd move up here if she thought it was her idea.

What is this place?

This website is a place for people who want to move past shady thinking and test their ideas in a court of people who don't all share the same biases. Our goal is to optimize for light, not heat; this is a group effort, and all commentators are asked to do their part.

The weekly Culture War threads host the most controversial topics and are the most visible aspect of The Motte. However, many other topics are appropriate here. We encourage people to post anything related to science, politics, or philosophy; if in doubt, post!

Check out The Vault for an archive of old quality posts. You are encouraged to crosspost these elsewhere.


Why are you called The Motte?

A motte is a stone keep on a raised earthwork common in early medieval fortifications. More pertinently, it's an element in a rhetorical move called a "Motte-and-Bailey", originally identified by philosopher Nicholas Shackel. It describes the tendency in discourse for people to move from a controversial but high value claim to a defensible but less exciting one upon any resistance to the former. He likens this to the medieval fortification, where a desirable land (the bailey) is abandoned when in danger for the more easily defended motte. In Shackel's words, "The Motte represents the defensible but undesired propositions to which one retreats when hard pressed."

On The Motte, always attempt to remain inside your defensible territory, even if you are not being pressed.


New post guidelines

If you're posting something that isn't related to the culture war, we encourage you to post a thread for it. A submission statement is highly appreciated, but isn't necessary for text posts or links to largely-text posts such as blogs or news articles; if we're unsure of the value of your post, we might remove it until you add a submission statement. A submission statement is required for non-text sources (videos, podcasts, images).

Culture war posts go in the culture war thread; all links must either include a submission statement or significant commentary. Bare links without those will be removed.

If in doubt, please post it!


Rules


Recommended Posts And Communities

Recommended Realtime Chats