Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.
Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
Probably better suited for the wellness thread, but w/e.
Are any of you pathologically secretive/have problems with feeling excessive amounts of shame? Or, even better, have you been secretive beyond what is necessary in the past and then managed to move past that stop being that way?
In real life I’m a pathologically secretive kind of guy. My phone’s wallpapers are always set to the default image. I never wear graphic T-shirts or any piece of clothing that could be considered a statement. The walls of my apartment are mostly plain. I’ve always been this way – I remember how I’d always pause my games as a kid when parents came into the living room where I was playing on the family TV. I wasn’t even playing anything particularly embarrassing at the time, it was more often than not FIFA or some racing game, something completely normal for a schoolboy to be playing! I just always had the weird connection “personal = embarrassing = has to stay hidden” in my head, even about the most innocuous things. I don’t think there was any kind of inciting incident that led to me ending up this way either – my mom, who I lived with, was not particularly strict, I wasn’t getting bullied at school and did not experience any particular serious trauma that I can think of.
I suppose it’s a function of lots and lots of internalized shame, social anxiety and low self-esteem, as I’m, and have always been into a lot of things that are niche and kind of embarassing (think of a generic weeby neckbeard's interests and that's me). I can’t bring myself to outright lie to others or myself by constructing a fake socially approved identity, but I also diligently hide my power level, so the result is that I come off as a very plain, unremarkable if somewhat awkward dude. Although it goes beyond hobby stuff – I remember having trouble doing anything on my laptop during class in college, unless I was sitting in the corner at the very back of the class, where no one could see my screen. Some dudes in that classroom were pretty openly playing League, and here I was, struggling to open the file containing the essay I was working on for another subject.
This approach to life probably helped me avoid my fair share of public embarrassment, but it hasn’t won me many close friends either. By now, I’ve come to consider it much more of a liability than an asset. I feel terrible even playing video games in front of my girlfriend, who also enjoys them, in my own home, for Pete’s sake, and that’s definitely not a great way to live.
So, if any of any you Mottizens have experienced something similar, how did you move past it? Or does it still haunt you to this day?
I have at least some elements of this. Though mostly not quite as bad as some of the other posters in this thread. I think some of mine is probably a little ridiculous and excessive, and some is quite justified.
I never had much appetite for participating in traditional social media. The kind like Facebook and Instagram where you're expected to have an account under your real name and accumulate as "friends" everyone you've ever known, or even met for a few minutes one time. I just can't think of anything I really want to post or show to such a huge variety of people. I've pretty much abandoned the original accounts I had on these and never even check them at all. All of the bad behavior and dark patterns of big tech don't particularly help and provide additional justification, but I think that feeling is the actual core reason for me. So I do the majority of my online social interaction in relatively small group chats of people I know well. I think this is probably healthier overall anyways.
I do feel an urge to conceal things I look at at work, where we're all in a big open office with everyone's screen visible. I think I've managed to keep it mostly under control. I tell myself that nobody's going to pay attention to a big wall of text, so it doesn't matter what it says. I try to avoid having any pictures or video displayed too long and often switch out of "personal" browsers when someone comes by my desk.
Strangely, I actually feel the complete opposite sometimes. I actually love performing on stage in front of big audiences. Always have, never needed to do any particular trick or technique for it. Maybe it's because I'm consciously putting on an act, or that there's so many people that none of them really "count" as people. I'm not quite sure.
I think I like showing only certain parts of myself to most people and social groups. I think I've always had a bit of a split personality. I have a need for a certain amount of spice in my life, and probably some of the things I've done or enjoy would really shock and put off some of the tamer groups I'm around, like most work people, tech-related groups, probably most rationalist-sphere groups. So I mostly hide that part of myself in those places. I also enjoy nerding out on things, understanding things in way too much detail, writing excessively in-depth effortposts here sometimes. I know some of the more out-there people I'm friends with don't care to hear that sort of thing, so I hide that part of myself around them. Is this excessive hiding, or just reading the room and fitting in to social groups? I'm not entirely sure. I feel mostly pretty satisfied with my friendships, even though I don't think any one person really gets all of me.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link