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You can find all kinds of abuse on all scales and in every corner between people. What’s relevant is what’s typical and tends to generalize and what is the cause of it.
I lived with a female co-worker after her husband had tragically passed away, for 5 months at her invitation and it seemed like a mutually beneficial arrangement at the time I was approached about it. One of her friends helped to mediate and socially organize things between us, but we hit a rough patch before things even really took off. She was forward at first, asking if there was anything I needed, etc., and I maintained a respectful but independent stance out of the way I’d been raised, along with my own life experience. I was someone who was always trained not to accept help from other people and that your place in life should be determined through your own effort. I’m someone that needs to be worked on very hard into thinking it’s acceptable to say “yes” to somebody.
After we had moved in I was immediately met with a rude awakening from our first direct interaction. I spent the next couple weeks trying to talk to her here and there but always got short and quick answers that were never open ended. I figured she didn’t walk to talk or had other things going on, so I just kept to my side of things and worked on some stuff I already had going. Next few months we rarely saw each other and didn’t speak a single word to one another when we did see each other in at home. Again, I figured if she felt like being more open and receptive to talking to me, I’d talk to her. She never did, so I assumed she didn’t want to talk.
The vibe of things felt increasingly stiff between us and one day she tells me something came up and she needs to move out. She broke the 1-year lease we had, so I cleaned up a mattress she lent me, immediately gave it back and left before we both had to be out. I didn’t know when she was looking to leave but I didn’t want to hold the situation hostage if she needed to go quickly. So I just took things at face value.
I actually felt emotionally and physically drawn to her in several respects and took active steps to try and court her after our departure. Giving things the benefit of the doubt. I basically got attacked at every turn. She knew my sibling who was a pathological liar and tragically died of an overdose. My niece got neglected who I’d made frequent attempts to see and spend time with, but they would hang out with each other based on what I’d heard, while my niece inadvertently would up getting abandoned to fend for herself.
I bought her things. Flowers. Chocolate. Invited her out with other work friends. Tried texting her, protected her at one point and all she ever did was almost completely ignore me whenever we crossed paths or privately attack me for it to her friends. She said she didn’t want to be my friend, criticized me for having a dysfunctional relationship with my sibling, said I had a dark cloud over me (first time I'd ever heard of that in my life; unlike my drug addled sibling, strangely, who she had no problem associating with) when I’m in good standing with most everyone I know, have no enemies, never touched drugs, doesn’t drink, makes decent money, etc. I don’t understand people like this. It’s unbelievably rude and disrespectful; and all I ever did was treat her good and care about her. At some stage in her life I suspect she was either never told no by anyone, or was trained into thinking this was somehow acceptable behavior or just has an avoidant personality type. She described herself as very independent and logical at one point. As expressive ‘personality’ characteristics, those are hallmark features of an avoidant. Psych textbooks about attachment theory will tell you that explicitly.
Sounds like a similar experience to one I had a ways back.
Helped a person who was going through a seemingly difficult "failure to launch" phase. Stuck in her parents' house, going to school but having no plan beyond that, minimum wage job, hugely introverted (main social group was people she played games with online), but seemingly smart and personable, if a bit emotionally stunted.
Got her a place to stay for a bargain price, plugged her into a new job, got her involved at my gym, invited her out to hang with my friend group, basically handed her every single tool to form her own path, get out from under the parents' thumb, make things work.
And yes, I was romantically interested but also very wary of forming any actual connection if she wasn't really fully 'mature' enough to have some semblance of responsibility for her own self.
The unfortunate but not surprising thing is she didn't change her core habits in the slightest. And remained tied to her parents (mother, in particular) at the hip in terms of never EVER doing anything that might upset mom, and basically letting mom decide things for her at every stage. And she was prone to attracting some relatively unsavory types of men into her orbit... and then completely rejecting them if they tried to escalate? I'm not talking thugs or drug addicts. But like, dudes with minimum wage jobs who ride motorcyles and were physically attractive but simply did not have their life together.
She seemed to be completely unable to detect when a guy was trying to get in her pants until they were actually reaching for the zipper, at which point there'd be an intense negative reaction. Like, she really wanted to be attractive to men, and got very upset when she actually attracted them in.
The situation lasted about a year or so then with relatively little warning, in quick succession, she moved back in with her parents, started pursuing another degree (this one was at least practical), cut off all the friends I had introduced, quit the job (almost but not quite burning the bridge), and as far as I can tell has returned to being a recluse except for her classmates.
And the added insult, her parents informally banned me from their business establishment for reasons that remain opaque to me, since we'd gotten along just fine for a long time. It was quite abrupt. I wonder what she told them.
This was only like the third rudest thing anybody had ever done to me.
And thus I've reached a point in my life where I do not feel the need to assist anyone get up out of their life circumstances other than opening doors for them if they seem to need it and present the capacity to carry themselves once I help them get the leg up.
There were other things that happened in my case as well, but she burned every bridge I built for her. I found through her friend that I guess the reason she moved out was she heard from other coworkers that she lived with me and that it was my apartment she was living in. Basically the exact opposite of what the living arrangement was. I never said any such thing to anyone. It’s just people making stuff up and gossip and rumors. I actually wonder if people were going around and spreading information maliciously and that was a worry of mine at first and I didn’t exactly want everyone knowing about it. I was wary about telling other coworkers. I asked one of them I knew well about his opinion at that time but that was it. When I got word she told people we were living together I figured she was alright with having others know, so I stopped being guarded about it after that. If she was hearing things from people, the mature thing to do would’ve been to ask me about it. I’m not someone that goes around making judgment calls with only one side of the story. I’m too disciplined for that. Especially when others are going around saying random things. When it really has the ability to negatively impact someone, I always tell people you’re going to have to give me evidence of what you’re saying. Otherwise it’s just nonsense. I don’t react purely on things that get said and float around.
Even after everything was clarified though, she’d do nothing but give me the cold shoulder. On one instance I remember walking into a room where it was just her and I calmly said to her that me and a couple other people had plans a few weeks out to go do something fun and said it’d be nice if she could come. She backed up away from me and her head started turning left to right and her eyes were darting all over the place with that whole caged animal looking for an escape look. She said she couldn’t, that she had other plans, and gave me a very angry and stern look in the face. I didn’t reply at all and just turned around and left. I always knew she was a high anxiety woman and someone on the neurotic side. She was pretty easily emotionally provoked. There was also no physical equality between her and I. She was under 5 feet all, I’m much taller than the average man. I could easily accidentally knock her out if we came around the corner at the same time and I wouldn’t even see her. But for months after that she’d do this thing where she’d leave her workspace and very aggressively hover around my area where she could be seen by me, but she’d never make eye contact or talk to me at all. Almost like she wanted to bait and keep me on the hook. That was obvious to me and I noticed it immediately when it started happening.
Then this kid who was much younger than her eventually gets hired and expresses an interest in her. She starts leaving her workspace, doing his tasks, buying him coffee, making plans to hang out, coordinating their schedules to have the same days off, etc. And I always knew when she told me she had plans that that was almost certainly a lie, because she told me when she lived together that her plans were always changing. One day I come around a certain area of work and I see her hiding behind some big equipment with him standing real close next to her. As I come around she immediately bolts, far away from his side as if she was caught doing something she didn’t want to be seen doing. I keep having to come around, second time she’s standing close to him but her eyes are pointed down and she gets very quiet, third time he is completely gone and she moves more into visibility as if she wants me to see her and to think it’s all normal. Next couple days she puts on this very professional outfit as if she wants to convince people there’s nothing going on but then stops after a couple days. Shortly thereafter she wears this alluring outfit and crosses my path and makes eye contact with me briefly as if she’s signaling something else. The basic read is simple attention whoring and validation. It’s all a costume designed to fool. Nothing genuine or virtuous about it. I was already pretty much done at that point and was already spending time with one of my cousin’s friends though we hadn’t started dating at all yet. But towards the end of one of my shifts, I caught her friend abruptly just before our shift ended. I didn’t want to tell her I wanted to talk to her about so-and-so because if I did 100% she’d find out about it and they’d probably coordinate about what to say if I ask certain things. So I made sure I caught her off guard. I asked a couple questions and her friend told me she was in a relationship with someone now and it’s unrelated to anyone worker related.
In a way though it’s actually a massive relief. A woman who would behave as she did on the work floor is not someone I would consider trustworthy. Fooling around with a young boy at work, behaving in these hot and cold suggestive ways, etc. The problem is more fundamental than thinking they’re lying to you or engaging in other behavior. Once you start giving someone reasons to doubt and distrust you, you get a reputation. And when you get a reputation, you’re not going to get the benefit of doubt in any interaction you have with them, even if they’re not doing anything wrong. The fact that you have to do ‘any’ thinking about them, at all, for even one second; that’s the problem. There’s a trail of suspicion a person like that leaves behind them, meaning there will always be a question mark above their head, no matter what else they do, because you know it isn’t beyond them to behave in questionable ways. They’ve done it before. The loss and is disappointing, but not catastrophic. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Your experience and mine definitely sound very similar. I’m sorry that happened to you.
People often wonder why decency is dead. I knew a number of very good people growing up who eventually threw their hands up and went rogue against the values they were raised with. Even they were forced to come to reality and realize it didn’t pay to be the kind of people they were. It’s disheartening when you’ve seen people who were once so honorable and full of life, succumb overtime to screwing everyone else over in pursuit of their self-satisfaction. I know how that thought process works. I’ve experienced it. I’ve learned once people have this dyed in the wool idea about who you are, nothing you can ever do will change their minds, even when their ideas have no basis in fact. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m pretty much fucked no matter what I say, so why spend any time trying to prove otherwise? People have their good conduct beaten out of them through cruel experience and if you want to get ahead in the world and achieve the things you desire, being good isn’t the way to do it. The one thing virtue gives me is peace of mind because an honest man has nothing to fear. I’m knowledgeable enough and have the connections where if I wanted to do some highly unethical shit I could do very well. The only problem is I have dignity and I know I’m a good person and I really wish I wasn’t; but I can’t help it. I just don’t understand why she was so rude and disrespectful to me. I only ever treated her good.
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