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My unfortunate anecdotal observation is that couples who do take BDSM practice 'seriously' are often harboring deeper mental scars or issues that they've convinced themselves are just kinky preferences and that can be managed within their structured (or not so structured) relationship.
In the worst cases (by no means the majority!) its all codependency, where "I need to hurt somebody to get out my latent aggression" meets "I need to be hurt as punishment for my shame" and neither is addressing the cause of the latent aggression or the source of the internalized shame.
The sexual release part might be over-emphasized, indeed, because all the complicated rules around consent, exchange of power, following protocols, maintaining rigid roles... that requires an emotionally stable person to maintain long term. Whereas many participants seem to just be chasing the fleeting dopamine high. And many many people who stumble into BDSM (especially with the mainstreaming of it post-Fifty Shades) are emotionally broken people who think they've found a way to make their own mental struggles somebody else's' responsibility.
I suspect once again that its something that can be practiced within a standard marital relationship... if the marriage is in fact the foundation of it, and they're not trying to cludge things together by accepting certain aspects of trad marriage but avoiding the parts that actually require emotional effort... and neglect the optimizations for having kids.
Anyhow, there's probably something to your point:
If feminists want to backdoor in the patriarchy without admitting the trads were right or that they've been led astray, then just let things evolve to Gorean standards but make it clear "its all consent and everyone can opt out if they want" and 'letting' the men keep 'slaves' and make the important decisions but really its all about the fulfillment of womens' need for release of control, and the women in fact DEMANDED this release from a position of power." No oppression here! Just everyone letting their freak flag fly!
But man, the idea of keeping some sizeable portion of the female population as, effectively, "pets" as you indicate seems really tiring to me. Its not what my dream for society is, despite what some may think based on my overall position on the gender wars. The fact that women may have an occasional innate desire to submit to higher powers is, in my view, simply not something to build an entire society around. That also includes the part of that desire that makes them seek out the highest-power male in the vicinity and compete for his attention. NOT a good organizing principle for civilization.
Ultimately, the solution will involved de-centering women and their desires/demands in favor of longer-term goals... and THAT is what they simply will not abide.
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