Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.
Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.
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Notes -
Depends heavily on the couple and your relationship to them, along with the question you ask. A rando is going to feel like oblivious or even like an attack; a distant coworker or friend-of-friend is going to seem invasive and maybe clueless; and close friend, happy family, or long-time near coworker I’d expect all but the most cautious to find just awkward rather the mean… but it even then, there’s polite forms and less polite forms.
I’ll start with the caveat that for gay men, they might not know. There are some pragmatic arguments for certainty, but there’s social and relationship arguments for specifically obfuscating it even from yourself.
For most of the gay guys who get into surrogacy, be aware that ‘bio dad’ is entirely different a question than who’s the ‘real father’. Even for couples who did only use one semen source or where the parentage is going to be obvious, both guys are still dads, and that’s an important part of the mental framework. Anything that scrapes it is going to be much more unpleasant or unintentionally cruel than just the awkward normie question of ‘how they decided the genetic donor’.
Under that, be aware you’re asking about people’s reproductive lives. There’s a joke in straight comedy that congratulating a guy on his wife’s pregnancy is just a less crude way of brofisting and saying ‘nice creampie’. You’re not quite doing the same thing, because jerking off into a jar (usually) not part of their sex lives, but it’s still not something you should ask in a crowded space, in mixed company, in a business environment, or in front of kids, no matter how clinical you name it.
And the answer might well be either “none of your business” or two proud gay guys who have way more info than you wanted to know.
For lesbians it’s a little easier. Asking who carried isn’t actually the same thing as who is the biological mom, since lesbian ova transfer is a thing, but it’s a lot less loaded a question. Still not something I would ask random strangers at a Pride event, though.
… and I’ll also caveat that even today, a nonzero part of gay and lesbian couples with kids have them from past heterosexual relationships, or adopted the kid. So be aware that the answer could well be ‘neither’, or an entirely different minefield than the expected one.
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