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Have any of you intentionally reduced contact with/outright cut off a family member you used to have a good relationship with due to irreconcilable differences? If so, how did it go and do you feel regret about it?
I did so recently and can't stop feeling guilt (and also a lot of anger) about it.
What kind of differences would even need to be reconciled between people who don’t live with each other?
I can only think of religious disagreements that lead to a refusal to participate in one thing or another, which would lead to intense hurt feelings. But you don’t code as religious to me.
To my immense frustration my female adult family members keep pissing each other off and will stop talking to each other for periods of time, but it’s for mysterious reasons that I’m never interested in learning about. I insist to each of them that they should reconcile when I get opportunities, and they eventually do (or just gradually forget about the conflict).
These aren't religious disagreements, and I didn't cut this family member off entirely, merely reduced contact with her. It didn't get so bad I would fully initiate NC, though I do have a lot of annoyance over a lot of things. It's not on the level of some of the horror stories I believe some others in this forum could tell.
To answer your question, I did live with the family member in question; circa two years ago my elder sister moved back in with me after her then-boyfriend of five years called a temporary pause on the relationship, which eventually led to a break-up. It's hard to give a full picture of why I soured so heavily on her without massively long essays (longer than this one) detailing the pattern of behaviour that eroded my sanity overtime, but the reason for trying to reduce contact was simply that I started to notice just how aggressively one sided my relationship with her was.
Note that for several years I suffered from a chronic illness that made it extremely difficult for me to work (which I have written about before here) and she would constantly lambast me; she barely even cared to talk to me then - she had a stable job then and a relationship and I had none of these things. After I recovered, found stable employment, and generally began to pull my life back on track, she suddenly became more interested in spending time with me. She wanted to go out together, talk more often, and generally have a closer relationship, presumably because I had finally become someone Worthy Of Attention. Then, when her own relationship collapsed and she moved back in with me, the dynamic shifted again, and suddenly she wanted emotional support. And despite the fact I was still getting back on my feet then I did provide it, to the point that my own mental health seriously began to suffer (and if I tried to withdraw after spending hours reassuring her, she'd often follow me and continue the conversation). But it soon became clear that there was a lot of underlying behaviour from her that would simply not change, and persisted long after she had gotten over the breakup.
Her general hygiene was awful. During this period she quit her job and started pursuing self-employment, which gave her a far more flexible schedule than I had, yet I would always see dishes in the sink left out for days on end, clutter in the hallway so thick one could barely walk, and hair clogs in her shower drain that resulted in standing water; eventually there was a carpet of black mold growing on the bathroom floor. I was the one who scrubbed the floor after getting back from work (the drain would clog and the mold would always accumulate again though), and at one point the mold had even spread to the blinds and pillows, which I also had to clean. Keep in mind I am not a tidy person at all and do not believe that everybody must kowtow to the member of the household with the lowest tolerance for clutter, but when you end up with black mold everywhere that's a sign that the situation was ridiculous.
In general I always felt as if she often displayed an intense lack of reciprocal care or interest in other people's lives, except when she wanted to tell you that you were Doing Things Wrong, and she would not prioritise you if it caused her inconvenience (though you would have to deal with many of her neuroses, in contrast). One prominent example of the sheer lack of consideration involved a holiday I was planning, where I made the mistake of asking whether she wanted to come, and what should have been a simple yes-or-no decision somehow remained unresolved for months. Every time I asked, she treated me like I was pestering her, and my planning was delayed repeatedly because I had no idea whether she was joining. Eventually she decided to come, something I never forced her to do, and then spent much of the latter half of the trip constantly complaining over every little annoyance in spite of the fact that my leave was limited and hers was not. So many little instances when she was living with me showed she just did not care about my time and did not appreciate the extent to which every other family member put their lives on hold to accommodate her when she needed it.
She could be good, even fun, to be around. But the problem I think was that she felt at liberty to embrace some of her most indulgent tendencies because she thought she would never be dropped like a hot potato by family members. Eventually the sneaking suspicion that she just did not give much thought to my wellbeing looked too plausible to ignore, and when she moved out I took the opportunity to give myself some space from her.
Ah, I see. You've lost respect for each other, and that's hard to get back. In my own experience, roommates are much more fertile ground for resentment than marriage. In marriage, you can at least remind yourself of your shared goals, you're on the same team, you went to the trouble of merging finances, you consult each other for advice. There are ways to air out your grievances in a marriage, and give them a fair hearing. Roommates have no such advantages, only seething.
Now that sis is out of the house I wouldn't worry about taking a long break. Then, eventually, have a meal with her every now and then, and make sure afterwards each goes his or her separate way home. I am a massive hypocrite because each of my siblings lives several states away.
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