Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.
Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
Obviously AAQC, so please forgive my focusing on the only bit that doesn't make sense to me:
One time, decades ago, I had been tempted to "cancel" (early afternoon blind date planned, and I got stood up, then she contacted me to say she overslept and begged to reschedule for that evening), and it wouldn't have been the end of the world personally if I had bailed (near zero chemistry, and there was no way I was going for a second date), but it was still a chance to meet and talk with an interesting new person, not a bad way to spend a couple hours.
I'd just been assuming that these stories of cancellations were due to double-booking - a girl accepts a date for evening X, then someone she thinks is more attractive asks her out for that same evening, and she doesn't want to have to explain why she's busy or risk him not agreeing to reschedule, so she cancels or ghosts on the first guy. Selfish, but not self-destructive. (I'd have wondered if this had been what happened to me, except that my date did in hindsight seem like the sort of person who could oversleep into the mid-afternoon...) I guess "disinterest" would make sense too, if someone managed to throw up a real red flag in between the planning and the date. But nerves? I was a scared little geeky kid way back when (fought the Ur-Quan when SC1 was new!) so "she's throwing me signals but I still can't work up the courage to ask her out" is a painfully familiar idea for me, but I still can't imagine working up the nerve and then backing out!
I came pretty close on my first date with my wife. The only reason I actually showed up was because it would've been a dick move to bail after we had made plans. Otherwise, I was a bundle of nerves to such an extent that I felt like my heart was going to stop, and I desperately wanted to turn back and go home. Obviously I'm glad I didn't.
More options
Context Copy link
This is why if I'm talking to someone and the conversation has reached the point where I'd normally ask them out, I ask them out, even if I suspect that it's not going to work. I could think of worse ways to spend a couple hours than having drinks with an attractive woman, and I don't know that you can really learn too much without actually meeting someone, so even if I'm pessimistic I'll give them a chance in person. I should add that unless I'm really uninterested I will always try to keep the conversation going long enough to get to that point (which isn't that long), for the same reason; ie that it's always worth actually meeting someone. I don't know that anyone's time is really so precious that they can't spare it, and this comes from someone who typically doesn't leave the office before 7 pm. If I have legitimate commitments that make it difficult to schedule things I actually feel bad about it, though I'm not skipping something I've been looking forward to for a first date that isn't likely to go anywhere.
I can catalog exactly 4 times in my life that a Hinge date has cancelled on me. 2 of them were rescheduled right away and went off shortly thereafter. One went off a year later (long story), and one offered to immediately reschedule but I turned her down because I wasn't that interested. There was also one who agreed to a day but not a place before telling me she ended up deciding to move in a couple months and didn't want to waste my time. In retrospect I should have told her that since I already had the night open I was just going to go to this bar anyway and she could feel free to join me, because I think she might have taken me up on the offer.
You never know. I went out with one woman who was figuring on a summer fling before I moved away for grad school; it ended up going long-distance before she moved out to join me. Years later I went out with another woman who was planning to date for only 6 or 12 months before she'd break up for a planned move across the country; our 17th anniversary is this year.
I've done the long distance thing before and I'm disinclined to do it again, if it would even be an option. Eventually it gets to the point where a decision has to be made, and it's not a fun decision to make.
That's fair. It worked out well enough for me under "we'll see each other for 3 or 4 months out of the year, never more than a couple months at a stretch apart" circumstances, and in another case it worked great for me under "we'll see each other every weekend" circumstances (I didn't even think of this one as a LDR, despite us living too far apart to meet up on weekdays, until I talked to someone who complained about a slightly shorter distance), but I've never attempted anything rougher than those. A friend was long-distance with his fiance for a year due to education and work conflicts, I think separated for more than a few months at a time during that, and they're happily married decades later but I know that year was awful for both of them. I also have more depressing stories but all of those feel too personal to tell, even anonymized, behind the backs of the people involved.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
It's a social anxiety avoidance thing, and I've done it for general hanging out, not just dates. I've gotten better at it, and the "regardless of whether it goes well, it's a time to meet someone new" attitude has become more comfortable for me as well.
I guess the nerve of asking out and the nerve of actually going on a date are different. I feel fight or flight the day of a date, like can't sleep, shaking, staring at the clock, extremities going cold because of a rush of blood to the core. One of the two options there, of course, is flight, and "the unbelievable relief of cancelling plans" is a meme among late millennials and zoomers for a reason.
And with online dating, the asking and the going have moved even further apart -- it's much, much easier to say, "Let's go on a date" to a Greece travel picture over text than it is to actually show up, face the risk of awkwardness or embarrassment, and take a chunk out of your vegetative TikTok time to encounter someone who might judge you. I genuinely believe most last-minute cancellations are of this type. Most women simply aren't as strategic as the dual-mating discourse makes them out to be, and the current crop of young people are, by every measurement we can find, more anxious than any other cohort we've measured.
An uncomfortably large proportion of "why is my girlfriend doing this?" behaviors that men often complain about (silent treatment, inconsistency, asking a question like "would you still love me if I were a worm?" and then reacting seriously to the answer, reassurance seeking) are just anxiety behaviors that are painfully familiar to me from the inside. They aren't good, and they certainly aren't healthy, but they're very rarely strategic, and if they accomplish something for the person they do so in the short term, the way all maladaptive behaviors persist. Avoiding long-term beneficial behaviors for short-term benefits is the failure mode of anxiety. Some of our female posters have talked about avoidance being a huge part of young people's socialization problems. That's very much the case.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link