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Wellness Wednesday for March 1, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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My post this week is a but different from the usual things. As a child I never really liked my family, my father would scream and shout at me and my younger brother daily with a really high frequency. I felt that this was normal yet it didn't somehow stop, ever, at all.

My family is dysfunctional, very very dysfunctional to the point where I hate living with them. Most people, most of my religious sentiments live in their ancestral houses forever with joint families, elders and whatnot but I just can't imagine doing any of that. The kind of unease I feel around my family when we sit down to eat our meals alongwith constant interruptions when I code in my room have forced me to commute daily to my unis library just to not be around them.

My ma stuck with her marriage because here marriages are decided by the elders and even though she didn't like it, her reason to stick by was because she felt that leaving would bring shame to her late father's name in their town.

Again, this isn't my way of blaming my family for my shortcomings rather just my acceptance of the fact that none of us are happy. My parents and grandfather have loved their life and have nothing besides screens left in their life, same for my brother who is fairly slow mentally and hence spends his days doing what I'd do but under exponentially worse circumstances.

Hinduism unlike other cultures ensured that traditional values remain alive with rituals and traditions. My life derives all it's meaning from my religious beliefs, I wish to some day have a family of my own too (not anytime soon tho lol) but it is kinda ironic that the religious guy who encourages others towards traditions is also the one wpuld run away the second he can.

My sabbatical will last six months, I knowingly took a decision to take it so that I could fix my knowledge gaps, prepare better for the future and ready myself for a far better quality of jobs. Most importantly develop actual skills and figure out what I like, am good at etc etc.

When I was first asked to consider one by my mentor, mt response was that I'd rather slit my wrists than stay back in this dysfunctional house in my dead town but I later realised the upsides. I'm posting here just to cope. My family fights during dinner and my grandfather who's hard if hearing at 90 watches, feeling morose over what he witnesses. He was in all honesty a much much worsw father. During todays episode, he asked me about why there was so much turmoil today, stating he doesn't much like what he sees but being in a bad mood, I responded by stating that it's his fault6too since he too was a terrible father. Surprisingly, my old grandfather nodded and agreed with my assessment, stating he wished he could do it differently.

There are skme nights where I pass by his room and hear him cursing his own parents in his sleep and seeing a man who's 90 having so much bitterness over this stuff does make me feel bad.

I'm not as young as I was once I began posting here and I already have many many things I regret very deeply. I learnt a lot from every single mistake but uts did cause significant problems. My GPA is terrible (slightly below 3 in the US scale of 4, 6.77 out of 10 to be exact) but besides that, not many things that Ibhave done will have permanent negative consequences forever, however as time passes, it'll just mean more of my decisions will matter.

Regardless, my time in my house is coming to an end flr this chapter of my life as I will move out. I wish I could have saved my brother, my whole family honestly but I can't.

Anyone who's read my entries here is familiar with my obsession with this one girl I met via the internet and could never get over despite never meeting her etc etc. My oneitis in internet lingo, one of the reasons why I liked her was because she was jubilant, truly jubilant, always happy with a genuinely loving family where shebhad a great relationship with her parents, her siblings plus she looks somewhat like my mom. In fact she does remind me of my mom but one who grew up under better circumstances without having to experience brief bouts of poverty and seeing her father die at a young age only for her family to bounce back. Maybe in my mind I saw a lot of what I like in my mom in her, psychologically and physically.

At this point I don't want to fight with my parents, I understand that they're a product of their times but I also am afraid that Ibtoo may end up like they did with boring careers forced on by their family living ablife where the only change is screens (TV, phones etc). They did their best yet somehow my cursed home didn't help us out. The reason why I try out things like isometrics and whatnot is the fear of ageing like my parents, of becoming like them someday. Seeing my grandfather struggle with literally everything makes me reconsider a lot of things.

I see the appeal of life as a young person in a large city, you meet so many new people, can work on careers, academics, visit nightclubs etc etc, things I like, I haven't done them enough but I genuinely love the fact that I am young, for now as I cannot and do not wish to be like, well like my parents. Despite my love for them, I do not wish to grow old, decay at a bad pace leading a life confined ti stagnation. The dynamic change life offers to me at my age is very exciting. It's life affirming, it really is. That probably is a big reason why many here are haopy to help me out as they perhaps see a slight sliver of themselves in me or more likely just wish wellbfor others, hoping they don't make the same mistakes.

I'm a much better programmer now and other things but these fights in my house take away any and all good feelings I have for days. My envy for that girl grows because I wish I got to have a relatively peaceful family life. Uni being trash despite its prestige is something I can cope with but family is permanent, you are after all a representative, a descendant of your ancestors.

Regardless, I am in the middle of my final mid terms, my internship has allowed me to get this semester waived so I'll be able to study full time, bang out code and fix my gaps.

It feels like yesterday that I discovered this place during my first few days in uni or before that and now I'm officially gonna be an engineer. Time goes by fast, I really did want my sabbatical to go fast too but I want to slow it down, as bad as my family is, it's still my family and I hope my last few months here before I leave for greener pastures are better.

Have you read the blog https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/? The ideas he writes about might be helpful in a certain way. I though a lot like you when I was younger and even admitting that makes me a bit embarrassed.

Otherwise, and I say this in a way intended to be helpful. I think you take your life (and status) too seriously. You write paragraph after paragraph filled with big words that mean little. For example, you have no idea what her family life is like in reality if you've never been there. You're just extrapolating to feel bad about your own life. To build a pretty-little-narrative about yourself. Stop thinking and start doing shit instead, and perhaps you might be cured of your illness. You want to abandon your family for a chance at the Good Life? Sure, just don't make up excuses for why it's morally okay. For why they (you) deserve it.

Hopefully I'm not breaking any rules when posting this. The intention is to be kind (but not nice) in order to help. Your problem is the fact that you are neurotic as hell, possibly because of a hard and stressful childhood. Trying to fix anything other than this is just procrastination.

If you feel like I'm being completely off the mark please say so, I might be wrong. You know your life better than I. I'm just making an educated guess and projecting a bit.

Yeah you're right. I'll check the blog out, any posts you'd recommend?