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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   5634 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for March 12, 2023

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So, in the CWR thread there was an exchange where @2rafa got a bit piled on for claiming that most men don't have lots of casual sex not because they can't, but because they don't particularly want to compared to competing activities. I'm not interested in relitigating the conversation, but the following bit struck me (conversation massively snipped for the relevant parts):

From @2rafa:

Because most men do, in fact, show a revealed preference for long term relationships. [...] I think most men who don't pursue sleeping with huge numbers of women don't do so because they don't want to, not because they can't.

And from @Amadan:

[Y]our rather touchingly naive view that down deep we're all just looking for our waifu is not really true. [...] But most men who don't do it [have sex with large numbers of women], unless they have strong religious or other reasons not to, absolutely would do it if they had the ability.

Now admittedly I am one of the people with "strong religious ... reasons not to", but this strikes me as off somehow? I mean, sure, most men have some level of desire to have lots of sex with different women, but people have lots of desires, and just because they have a desire doesn't mean they'd preferentially fulfill it, especially if it competes with other ones.

Which leads to my question. What fraction of men (say, in their twenties) are better described as (a) "looking for [their] waifu" - i.e. want to find a good wife (and then, presumably, also have lots of sex with her), with little serious interest in casual sex, or (b) "absolutely would [have lots of casual sex] if they had the ability"?

For (heterosexual) men, which is/was more true of you? For anyone, what fraction of men do you think are are "team find a wife" vs "team casual sex"?

edit

The emotional, mental and physical work that goes into creating the sort of experience I consider 'peak intimacy' is so high, that I can't imagine how some people manage to provide that to multiple partners.

I don't think this is true for that reason. 'Literal amount of time spent with partner' is something that varies between relationships such that 'significant time spent with two people' isn't that big a barrier. Which means it's a much smaller effect than 'jealousy' ... or the very significant desire for your partner to be exclusive with you, evolved because you want them invested in your children. But yeah, multiple serious partners is something very few can manage well.

edit

I generally dislike this framing because it implies that individuals can trace their desires and emotions to the evolutionary root.

Anything from 'desire to eat food' to 'anger that friend betrayed you + wanting to get back at them' have really obvious evolutionary reasons. Of course, very important details of how they 'work' aren't obvious from evolution, and it's easy to say untrue things with evopsych speculation like 'we evolved to be TRIBAL animals so we have a dunbar number of twenty and cant have more friends than that", but it's a very useful broad approach.

but the individuals feel those raw emotions untethered from their evolutionary cause.

The mechanisms involved are very tuned towards the causes though? And become meaningless outside those contexts. What purpose does jealousy have if you're not going to have children? Why not just ... not (as poly people do)? Of course, what purpose does sex have outside having children?

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