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Wellness Wednesday for March 29, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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Not infrequently someone here will ask for advice on improving their social skills, and I guess this week it's my turn.

My question: can anyone offer testimonials of having significantly altered their personality through conscious effort? I've become increasingly skeptical that certain kinds of change are possible.

I am 30, socially retarded, and have tried much of the usual advice, including

  • joining hobby groups (sports, dance, music, improv, rationalists, board games) - never made any lasting friends

  • improving fitness / grooming / appearance - this is in progress and I expect I'll continue to work on this

  • talking to strangers - doesn't go well (nor particularly poorly, just awkwardly)

My concern is that hanging out with people who are not very close friends is 1) difficult, in that I suck at establishing rapport, thinking of things to say, responding with appropriate emotion, 2) extremely tiring, and therefore 3) just unpleasant. This is true even if the people are super nerdy and share the same interests as me. One has to keep track of the words, body language, and emotional states of both oneself and one's interlocutor, and that is too much for my brain to handle. Literally there will be moments when I realize I should probably stop staring at the floor and make some normal brief eye contact, and in the second it takes me to adjust, I will lose track of the other person's sentence, and therefore be unable to respond appropriately.

Roughly from 2016 to 2019, I aggressively (by my standards) sought out chances to practice socializing and attended more meetups / hobby groups than I wanted to. Looking back, I don't think my social skills improved much, and socializing didn't ever get more fun or bearable. I did, however, get better at noticing the social skills I lack. Some things I've learned are

  • the chasm between how normal extroverts experience life and how I do is even wider than I thought

  • the facility and graceful precision with which sociable people can smooth over a bad joke, off-color statement, or awkward silence is incredible

  • the returns to social skills in every aspect of life - friends, dating, career, learning, general wellbeing - are much greater than I realized

I am now trying to decide whether I should redouble my efforts in this area (which is tiring and demoralizing) or essentially give up, and just live my life in the way that is natural to me: avoid talking to people whenever possible, one or two close friends excepted, never leave home except for work and necessary errands, and accept that I'll miss out on the benefits of human connection.

Other facts about me:

  • My coworkers are brilliant, most clearly smarter than me. In general this makes small talk more difficult since the bar for a comment being passably interesting is higher.

  • I am temperamentally boring and don't really enjoy most activities people find fun, especially if they involve leaving the house. Books and movies are good enough for me.

  • I started taking Vyvanse recently, which probably doesn't help here. But my social problems predate Vyvanse.

You need self esteem. You are worried about making mistakes socially because you beat yourself up when you make a mistake, so you are going into the situations feeling negatively about the results. People can sense your negativity, and react with uncertainty because they don't know why you're feeling hesitant or awkward, so react with hesitance and awkwardness in turn.

Think less about yourself. Think more about making the people you're around happy and comfortable, and less about how you feel.

People who are better at social skills than you are aren't smarter or better than you, they just don't beat themselves up if they make a mistake so they're more willing to put themselves out there and make mistakes. They also tend to think more about other people's emotions than their own.

Do you think this is a change that can be made at will?

Think more about making the people you're around happy and comfortable, and less about how you feel.

I'm not convinced this is what socially fluent people are doing most of the time. I know they do it sometimes, since I notice when they are trying to include me / make me feel comfortable, but most of the time they seem to be "performing" - telling a story, going on a fun rant, etc.

The ways I can think of to make people happy and comfortable are to

  • show interest in their life/hobbies/wellbeing - Asking lots of questions is my go-to, but I think it only gets you so far and eventually tires people out.

  • show "alignment" through emotional reactions - Recently someone told me about their serious health problems and I couldn't think of anything to say other than "that sucks" (which sounds wrong so I didn't say it and was just awkwardly silent). Later I heard the phrase "that's rough" which I think I'll use next time if I remember. Do you think it's worth learning stock phrases for different situations?

  • make jokes/banter - I think I'm not quick or witty enough for this

  • offer compliments - there are so many ways this can fail (too direct, too patronizing, too insincere, etc.), and I don't know if it's the best option for establishing rapport with other men

Are there other ways?

"At will," no. I don't think there are trivial answers here, even though your problem is reasonably common. There are some approaches that work better than others, but a lot of this stuff is context-dependent, which is a serious pain if you have difficulties reading social context.

There's a Youtube channel that I like for this area called Charisma on Command. Yeah, a lot of the video titles are click-baity, but the substance of the channel is a pretty clear exploration of how to build positive social interactions, including when not to. A typical video takes a look at a particular celebrity/public figure, and explores exactly what behaviors project likeability, command respect, and maintain poise.

Often, advice in this area is open-ended, which leads to problems. For example, Chris Hemsworth is very tactile with his friends and coworkers, and is much loved by them. But he's universally tactile; it isn't targeted at one person in particular, which can get creepy fast. He's also sensitive to other people's comfort levels, and backs off smoothly. Touch is a great way to connect with other people, but there are failure modes, and it might not be your style. Keanu Reeves is another example of a beloved public figure, but one who is far more introverted.

Teasing humor can also be a great form of bonding, but only if you know where and how to use it appropriately. It's funny if you aim at someone's strengths, where he has actual confidence, and can shrug off teasing casually. It's hurtful if you aim at weaknesses. Conversely, a compliment will have much more impact if it's both honest and aimed at an area that isn't the other person's most obvious strength. A smart guy or a pretty girl can find someone to tell them "hey, you're smart/pretty" any time--this is expected and takes no insight. So compliment the smart guy on his tenacity for sticking with something that he found difficult, or the pretty girl for her compassion in volunteering at the senior center. Be careful: this can also be taken too far. You're aiming for "I paid attention and noticed this cool-but-not-obvious thing about you," not "I hacked your email/have drones following you/stole your diary."

Hope this helps, and good luck.