The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Not infrequently someone here will ask for advice on improving their social skills, and I guess this week it's my turn.
My question: can anyone offer testimonials of having significantly altered their personality through conscious effort? I've become increasingly skeptical that certain kinds of change are possible.
I am 30, socially retarded, and have tried much of the usual advice, including
joining hobby groups (sports, dance, music, improv, rationalists, board games) - never made any lasting friends
improving fitness / grooming / appearance - this is in progress and I expect I'll continue to work on this
talking to strangers - doesn't go well (nor particularly poorly, just awkwardly)
My concern is that hanging out with people who are not very close friends is 1) difficult, in that I suck at establishing rapport, thinking of things to say, responding with appropriate emotion, 2) extremely tiring, and therefore 3) just unpleasant. This is true even if the people are super nerdy and share the same interests as me. One has to keep track of the words, body language, and emotional states of both oneself and one's interlocutor, and that is too much for my brain to handle. Literally there will be moments when I realize I should probably stop staring at the floor and make some normal brief eye contact, and in the second it takes me to adjust, I will lose track of the other person's sentence, and therefore be unable to respond appropriately.
Roughly from 2016 to 2019, I aggressively (by my standards) sought out chances to practice socializing and attended more meetups / hobby groups than I wanted to. Looking back, I don't think my social skills improved much, and socializing didn't ever get more fun or bearable. I did, however, get better at noticing the social skills I lack. Some things I've learned are
the chasm between how normal extroverts experience life and how I do is even wider than I thought
the facility and graceful precision with which sociable people can smooth over a bad joke, off-color statement, or awkward silence is incredible
the returns to social skills in every aspect of life - friends, dating, career, learning, general wellbeing - are much greater than I realized
I am now trying to decide whether I should redouble my efforts in this area (which is tiring and demoralizing) or essentially give up, and just live my life in the way that is natural to me: avoid talking to people whenever possible, one or two close friends excepted, never leave home except for work and necessary errands, and accept that I'll miss out on the benefits of human connection.
Other facts about me:
My coworkers are brilliant, most clearly smarter than me. In general this makes small talk more difficult since the bar for a comment being passably interesting is higher.
I am temperamentally boring and don't really enjoy most activities people find fun, especially if they involve leaving the house. Books and movies are good enough for me.
I started taking Vyvanse recently, which probably doesn't help here. But my social problems predate Vyvanse.
You need self esteem. You are worried about making mistakes socially because you beat yourself up when you make a mistake, so you are going into the situations feeling negatively about the results. People can sense your negativity, and react with uncertainty because they don't know why you're feeling hesitant or awkward, so react with hesitance and awkwardness in turn.
Think less about yourself. Think more about making the people you're around happy and comfortable, and less about how you feel.
People who are better at social skills than you are aren't smarter or better than you, they just don't beat themselves up if they make a mistake so they're more willing to put themselves out there and make mistakes. They also tend to think more about other people's emotions than their own.
Do you think this is a change that can be made at will?
I'm not convinced this is what socially fluent people are doing most of the time. I know they do it sometimes, since I notice when they are trying to include me / make me feel comfortable, but most of the time they seem to be "performing" - telling a story, going on a fun rant, etc.
The ways I can think of to make people happy and comfortable are to
show interest in their life/hobbies/wellbeing - Asking lots of questions is my go-to, but I think it only gets you so far and eventually tires people out.
show "alignment" through emotional reactions - Recently someone told me about their serious health problems and I couldn't think of anything to say other than "that sucks" (which sounds wrong so I didn't say it and was just awkwardly silent). Later I heard the phrase "that's rough" which I think I'll use next time if I remember. Do you think it's worth learning stock phrases for different situations?
make jokes/banter - I think I'm not quick or witty enough for this
offer compliments - there are so many ways this can fail (too direct, too patronizing, too insincere, etc.), and I don't know if it's the best option for establishing rapport with other men
Are there other ways?
You build self esteem by making changes in your life to become more like the person you want to be and less like the person that you dislike in yourself. For me, I lost weight and took care of my body more and paid more attention to my appearance, and honed my other skills and hobbies outside of physical traits and built an inner dialogue of self respect and over time my self esteem seriously improved. It is a combination of material changes and mental ones, all done at will to improve my life.
If you are asking if thinking about others more is a change that can be made at will, it definitely is. Tell yourself that being too concerned about your own emotions is rude and selfish and that you should think more about other people in social situations. You are making people uncomfortable by being uncomfortable with them, so do your best to make them comfortable. It is rude to make people feel bad, but the answer isn't to withdraw from social situations altogether, because we all need to interact sometimes, for our own good and the good of everyone around us. You have a responsibility not to be a drag to everyone around you, otherwise you are bringing misery to the people around you for no reason. Accept that you have power as (I assume) a grown adult and accept this as a gift that you can help or hurt the people around you by the way that you act, and then act to improve the lives of others, because their lives collectively are more important than your personal comfort. It's immature to be so selfish that you are afraid of embarrassing yourself that you withhold your kindness and friendship from others.
People do this because they're uncomfortable in social situations and are running on a script. You're witnessing their self doubt and if you were better at making them comfortable they would rely less on these performances.
I think the most important advice I have is: don't project your personal insecurities onto other people. Do not seem snooty or ready to put people down. If someone likes something, do not tell them you dislike it, even if you don't like it. Try to listen to what it is they like about that thing. Be compassionate that other people have different experiences to you and try to find a common ground. Go into social situations with less self doubt and selfishness and you will find them more rewarding. Spend time with people you don't see as threatening if you need practice. Talk to children or people with mental handicaps or the elderly, people you do not feel inferior to, to get practice in showing kindness and compassion toward them. Then once you get used to talking with them, remember that everyone is equal and the people you are threatened by are no better than a kid or your grandma and you, too, are worthy of the same respect as everyone else.
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