The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
My wife and I cope with long to-do lists in opposite ways. I avoid anything that’s not critical and like to make steady progress slowly. I’m happy as long as there’s forward progress, and as long as something’s not getting worse (e.g. the house is a little less cluttered than last week), I’m satisfied with the positive direction.
The wife on the other hand gets anxious and starts buzzing around the house. And anything she wants done now that she herself can’t get to, she assigns to me. These feel like shit tests to me, and I frankly don’t know how to deal with them.
I can tell that this contribution gap is a major turn-off for her, and is even leading to some resentment. Cleaning dishes are expressly my responsibility, and if I leave them in the sink too long, she’ll jump in and do them herself, which we both hate for different reasons.
I’m trying to foster more initiative to beat her to the punch on some of these things. I want to take a more aggressive approach to my to-dos in general anyway, but man, it feels like I’m trying self-improvement on hard mode.
She will go ahead and order plane tickets for an upcoming vacation before I can think to. Well shit, she got the details sent to her email inbox. Hey honey, when’s the flight? Hey, what terminal? Can you print out my ticket for me? I know she would love for me to take care of all of this, but I get beat to it every time because she’s unwilling to wait. And to her it starts looking like I just won’t do these things for us.
Like I said, I’m trying to be more proactive. But damn.
First step would be to sit down and discuss it, though discussing things is easier said than done. I know there are some things I want to discuss when my wife does not, and damn if she doesn't bring up complex shit when I just got home from a hard day, or am heading out the door, or whatever. You get my meaning. But communication and acknowledgement of flaws and admission of discomforts can do wonders toward venting the steam, if nothing else. But venting the steam is very, very important.
My wife is Japanese; she is also almost always late. I am not Japanese but I am almost always early. I mean if it starts at 10:30, I will often tell her it starts at 10 just to get there by 10:15. Then she is appalled at being tricked and how we have all this time, whereas my own pulse is calm that we are there reasonably early--and not alone, I might add. This is Japan. It is amazing that she has not been hounded out of Japanese society, but apparently it takes a lot for that to happen. I say this to give an example of certain ingrained traits in both of us that cannot comfortably be compromised--she simply cannot bring herself to be early for even the most serious obligations without discomfort, and for me, being late is a sensation about as comfortable as having an episode of fecal incontinence but continuing to stroll about in my sullied underpants. Thus, the situation must be hacked in some fashion such that the discomfort is mollified. Is this me conning my wife? I suppose that's one way to look at it--but if she doesn't know she is being conned, I see this as the lesser of two evils.
I don't know how long you've been married so I don't want to in any way condescend or sound wise. But let me get this out. In marriage sometimes there are things that need working out via words. I can give many examples but won't; I'll just give broadstrokes:
I am by Japanese standards what is informally termed an ikumenイクメン. This basically means "a guy who actively helps out with raising the kids." (Not to be confused with ikemenイケメン which means "cool, good-looking guy" though I have been called that too at various times in the past, less and less as I age.) So I do grocery shopping several days a week (I spend too much money.) I make dinner as many nights (I need to add more vegetables to the menu.) I often spontaneously vacuum (not as thoroughly as I should). I water plants (too often or not enough). I iron my own shirts, always. I clean and run the bath every night (the furo/お風呂 which we use even in summer, because reasons.) I spend as much time with the boys as possible, and in the past I have made school projects with them, etc. etc.
Even in the face of this I would be a fool to think I do even a fraction of housework that my wife does. Is she as neat as I would like? No. But she takes care of so many things for me and for the boys that the list is simply too long for me to make without getting bored--and this is just me listing the things, not doing them. My point is, never underestimate the scut-work done by women. But my broader point is this: She sometimes complains, even in small ways, about the quality of the work I do to keep things running.
This irks me, and when I notice this irking I will confront her about it, and not always with a soothing kind voice. This pisses her off, and I see a reaction in her face that I rarely see--a confused emotional state combining shock, hurt, defensiveness, and even humor. She gets over it. We have at it, then we calm down, and by the end we usually end up laughing, and it's better. Truly, it is. If I were not to hold my ground in this way, if I were to just avoid, avoid, then the following would occur:
She would win (this is the worst point). Also I would have an existence very much like a man-slave. I would lose respect for myself. She would lose respect for me. My sons would have a very poor role-model for how to be a father/husband. Life would become unbearable for all of us.
Do we have a perfect set-up? By no means. But you should talk, is what I'm saying. You may never resign yourselves to one another's intransigence (or you may work it out in ways I am not imagining). But you can talk it through, and that will help.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link