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Interesting post, thank you for it -- but this part is where I'm pretty sure you went off the rails.
You're welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm not sure if you are interpreting the sentence you quoted as meaning that I am applying the same ideas to the psychology that women have when they have sex with men, which is not what I was implying. I meant that I imagine that for men who are attracted to women, that those men also have to be able to see themselves as more dominant and masculine over the women they are having sex with, and that it is easier for, say, a blond white man to imagine himself dominating an Asian woman compared with dominating a black woman.
On another tangent, I believe men who are interested in being dominated by women are sublimating their domination instinct and directing their sexual anxieties toward the female to cover their insecurity and fear of not being able to perform. Exploring this dynamic in sex might be titillating and sexually gratifying for the man but I can't imagine it boosts or stabilizes his ego in the long term, it is a rather masturbatory practice and doesn't result in self security. Similarly a gay man who only bottoms or performs submissive roles in sex is probably unlikely to experience full gratification from sex.
No, this is what I thought you meant -- you imagine wrong, it's not like that at all.
When you imagine having sexual intercourse with a woman who do you want to have sex with? Someone who is aggressive and dominant or someone who is submissive and docile? I prefer the latter for men, the former keeps me from being comfortable enough to imagine performing with them. When bottoms are too active it is a turnoff, do you not feel the same way toward women? Of course I need to believe my partner is attracted to me, so I'm not seeking disinterest entirely, but a partner who is doing less makes it easier to perform versus a partner who is trying too hard to perform their role. You need confidence in yourself and your partner to make love and it's easier to have confidence with a smaller weaker partner than with a stronger one. If straight men don't feel this way then muscular strong women would be more popular as sexual prospects but they're really not. Similarly I don't want to have sex with men who are too strong for me because it makes me feel weak.
Either is fine IRL -- if I'm imagining then it varies, but extremely submissive and docile would be kind of a turn-off now that you mention it.
No not at all, activity is definitely a plus -- unless one of the partners has some relevant kink I wouldn't normally even frame it in terms of dominance/submission though. I don't think I've ever had a long-term partner with whom the more active person doesn't vary from time to time. I have heard that this is not usually the case for gay men, but while I'm not a mega-slut I'm pretty sure I would have seen something like it at least once if it were generally similar in the hetero world -- do you have any reason to think so other than 'hetero people are probably similar to gay men(!?)'?
The framework you are seeking is just not that much of a thing hetero relationships -- possibly because even a muscular strong woman is in fact easily physically overpowered by most men. A (relatively) strong tall women who takes control of things can be super-hot -- as can a woman who would rather be 'overpowered' or 'used' in some sense.
No offense but for me if anybody is 'performing a role' (outside of literal roleplaying) something has gone very wrong.
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