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PaperclipPerfector  4mo ago (text post)   2372 thread views

Friday Fun Thread for December 29, 2023

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A little project I want to do this year is try cooking an "Acherburger", that is, a meal that breaks the most kosher laws possible. There's some discussion about doing that online, but it's mostly low-effort stuff like "bacon-wrapped shrimp" etc. Lame! One can do so much more.

Here's the initial plan:

For the meat patty, combine as many treyf animals as I can. The supermarket in my city has a whole bunch, e.g. rabbit, kangaroo, alligator, even bear. I'd put a little of a bunch of them in, with the bulk being pork just so It doesn't taste too weird. Animal blood is forbidden as well; so I add a little bit of that too.

Onto this we'll add cheese, of course.

For frying, one can use suet instead of oil/butter, as that's forbidden.

Produce must be tithed before consumption, and you can't eat fruit during the first three years after planting. Outside of Israel, this isn't necessary unless you know for certain that it is the case; luckily I have a relative with a lime tree I know isn't that old, so I can add lime to the sauce and break that commandment.

Produce that may contain insects must be checked, or it is not kosher. Thus we don't do that for the lettuce, deliberately closing our eyes before putting some on the burger.

We'll eat it during the passover sabbath, so the fresh bread we'll buy is Chametz, Pat Akum, and Chadash (and of course the entire preparation of the meal is forbidden due to the sabbath). Naturally none of our utensils will be kashered either.

For the drink, we'll have wine. I have a bottle of Château Musar 2015. In addition to it being not kosher, 2015 was a Sabbath year in Israel, and since the wine is from Lebanon which counts as "Eretz Yisrael", it's not allowed. We'll also make it yayin nesech by pouring a little bit of it out in dedication to Baal. Before drinking it, I'll take a Nazirite vow to abstain from alcohol just to deliberately violate it.

The one rule I have some problem with breaking is Kil'ayim, that is "the planting of certain mixtures of seeds, grafting, the mixing of plants in vineyards [...]". This applies to Israeli produce only, and buying anything like that to make sure the seed were mixed during planting seems difficult. Sure, I can get spice mixes grown in Palestine in my local spice shop, but how can I be sure it actually broke any rule when it was grown?

Anything else I've forgotten about?

Well, as far as breaking the laws of Judaism more generally, the only things you can't do to save a life are:

  1. Adultery
  2. Homosexuality
  3. Incest
  4. Zoophilia
  5. Debatably, interfaith marriage
  6. Murder

So, get married to your (assuming straight) sister, then fuck your brother and his dog while worshipping Allah, then kill all of the above - while, of course, eating the burger.

I feel like the burger idea itself (not my version thereof) is actually pretty emphatically Jewish, at least reform/reconstructionist. There's the oft sermonafied story of Jacob wrestling with angels, as a parable for the value of questioning beliefs.

That'd be forbidden, but it doesn't have anything to do with the actual food specifically so I don't consider stuff like that.

Also Allah, being the/a monotheistic god, is less bad than paganism! E.g. if an idol worshipper touches kosher wine it needs to be destroyed so it doesn't benefit anybody; not so if a Muslims does.

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