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I have one big problem with my current relationship and I'm desperate. Basically since it has begun I've experienced constant low level pain and discomfort that increases when alone.
Before I've always had near perfect mental health which makes it worse. It's even made me consider breaking up with my girlfriend over it, despite everything else being great. None of my normal coping strategies work.
I'm having negative thoughts surrounding her previous relationships. Specifically that she has let herself be fucked by and been emotionally intimate with seemingly pathetic dudes and dudes in generall(very few though!!). It goes beyond that though and into general thoughts of inadequacy that make me want to receive constant reassurance that I'm the best she's ever had. Which I do know is true cognitively (I'm a chadlite, and have no trouble getting on dates with the rare Woman I actually meet and who interests me), but it's something I emotionally “forget” about. Again before this I would have considered myself an extremely self assured and level headed person.
These negative thoughts are plain making my quality of life worse and are a huge distraction.
Additional context: were both in our early twenties, this is my first serious relationship, not hers. I know we have great sex but for some reason I always desire assurance that it is the best she's ever had. (Which in a moment of weakness where I asked for it, she has given but it still leaves me feeling that even so the other guys did one particular thing better than me.)
Assume I'm not an idiot. Im fully aware I sound like an insecure wet noodle. Trust me, I'm not. I try my best to avoid annoying her with this and to communicate my feelings clearly. Despite successfully avoiding thinking about it, accepting the feeling and therapising myself, the disconnected pain still lingers
I'm looking for personal anecdotes and advice to help me understand what is happening.
Sounds to me like you're hoping for your relationship to bestow status upon you which isn't happening because of her (apparent) low standards. Thus the need for verification that you're better than her past encounters. If she chose them and you, you must have something alike.
So the obvious prescriptions (pick your poison as appropriate to the details of the situation and what you can stomach):
a) get your status from something else, your relationship is something you extract resources from/trade with, not something you are proud of
b) realize that nobody else is going to know about her past, they'll just see you with this hot and successful gf. Doll her up and show her off.
c) convince yourself that her past encounters were actually high status. Get to know and respect her exes.
c) convince yourself that she has changed, made mistakes in the past, but now recognized her value. Help her find God/Self Confidence/her talents.
d) find someone choosier or more conventionally attractive.
I think I am above average status conscious, but I don't think this is a status thing. It's mostly my ego being bruised about what it means for her to be with me after those guys.
What is ego but your perception of your status? Oxford Dictionary: Ego: a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Self Esteem: confidence in one's own worth or abilities. Self Importance: an exaggerated sense of one's own value or importance.
I think your response to 2rafa clearly shows it is a status thing, but it may be best to drop the status framing even if it is accurate because a lot of people lose the ability to cooperate when thinking directly about status. They can only see villains maneuvering and thus act that part. WalterODim and FiveHourMarathon have some great advice in my opinion, so if my model of relationships grinds with you I'd recommend trying out theirs.
Ego is your importance in your own eyes, status your importance in others'. Very closely related, but in this case importantly different; e.g. to successfully "realize that nobody else is going to know about her past" would solve status-based anxieties but not ego-based ones.
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