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Notes -
Going out with my cousins, music and mental illness. How life got better, some perspective close to 4 years after my first time here.
I was out with my cousins last night and got fucking hammered. I smoked up a bit after a few beers and had a super bad trip, just spaced out. I do want to do this again but only after I get a remote job and move to a large town. I lost all motor control lol. It is fun to do this stuff from time to time and it is not very religious of me but as long as I do other things well, Bhagwan should forgive me. We went to an arcade before that and to anyone who says money can't buy you happiness, it can buy you a good amount at an arcade with friends, super cool date idea if you have had sex with the person you are on a date with.
Although this week I want to write about music and more specifically passion pit, about how life is different now than what it was 4 years ago. Recently, the debut EP of Passion Pit titled "Chunk of Change" turned 14 and his most famous album "Gossamer" turned 10, it brought back so many memories that I had to write about it. The details about various tracks is optional so you can just read before the part that says optional and save time lol. It is a one man band run by second gen greek immigrant named Michael Angelakos who looks hot according to my cousin sister lol. The music is super upbeat with really dark lyrics about romance, life, death, immigration, loss of culture, most importantly mental disorders, how they wreck havoc and the feeling of helplessness that comes with seeing how little agency you sometimes have. The love you have for those who still stick by and finally hope for the future.
He suffers from Bipolar which due to its severity led to many manic episodes that he is not proud of. He is keenly aware of how it is destroying his life, he does his best to put on a brave face, hope for a better future but he ends up being sadder because of how bad life gets due to these episodes. It feels very relatable because I know how my own issues (laziness, I hate using the term ADHD as I have more agency than what I would like to admit) is doing the same. Fortunately, life has gotten better but not at the pace at which I would like and failing now means having permanent consequences for my actions forever. People who meet me think of me as some sort of a super extroverted lovable wierdo with some out there political beliefs who seems energetic and happy but everyone here can kinda tell what I really feel on the inside. I have been felling better now and my new prozac prescription may be a part of it.
He has not made new music since 2018 and got divorced with his wife but many said that he is happy with his life now, so here is how an american-greek synth pop music band kinda changed my life a little bit by giving me hope during my lowest phase.
I had been kicked out of high school and did poorly in my high school examinations. I had enrolled myself into cram school and this was my last opportunity as you get to give the JEE (it is the nation wide undergrad engineering entrance test) twice. I got a great score, something quite literally no one expected. There was a brief period during that winter where I would stay up late, take warm showers whilst crying and listen to passion pit. I had a one sided thing for this half russian girl who was not very good looking out of desperation as no girl who went to high school would even check my texts as I was seen as a complete loser for my choices. That half russian chick had blocked me on ig but I would still check her ig just because I was fucked in the head.
Fast forward to 4 years or rather 3.5 to be more precise and I am now at a good program, have friends in uni, have multiple girls I can have sex with despite not having good logistics or even being in a large town. I have a future and everyone who I meet thinks I am some super smart whiz kid for having stood first in my high school exams (I re gave them in 2019 summer). I have internet communities of both anons and people who I know that go out of their way to help me. I look much better, discovered how to talk to girls, have a workout routine (could not go for two weeks due to exams). My friends help me with all the esoteric stuff I am into, I have never met them but just being religious creates a strong bond.
I do not remember the last time I cried in the shower, sure I am not doing the best I can but it is genuinely some sort of a miracle that I made it to where I am. God has been kind to me, not too bad for a high school dropout lol.
Optional reading______
Chunk of Change (2008) - This was my favorite one since the entire ep is extremely innocent. I do not believe in romantic love nor will I ever experience it but I could get a good feel of it by listening to Michael sing about it. It was originally intended as a gift to his then college girlfriend in Boston but was then later released for general public.
Cuddle Fuddle - https://youtube.com/watch?v=dNg8oT-k28E
This is my favorite song, it has various things about his relationship mentioned, highs and lows and wanting to stay with her.
Live to tell the tale - https://youtube.com/watch?v=Vl7k3LNoASQ
Here he describes his relationship in a very loving innocent way. Very rom com ish.
Smile upon me is another track along the same lines in this EP
Manners (2009) - This was his first proper studio album and it was when his music started to peak for the general audience. The lyrics became darker and it shifted from just his girlfriend to other topics. It got a lot of mainstream recognition due to the catchy songs being used by many video games and TV Shows.
Sleepyhead - https://youtube.com/watch?v=5bfseWNmlds
This was the most famous track from the album and it blends many things, it is likely about death and someone being on their deathbed. Super catchy.
Little secrets - https://youtube.com/watch?v=ScC_pi3PJ9k
This was the single most relatable song since he mentions his mom here and how his actions are tarnishing the family's name. the song has a kids choir singing the main verse and it. The song is about his bipolar disorder where he mentions a manic episode, hallucinating and the extremes he feels because of being bipolar but cannot tell or explain anything to anyone.
Some other cool tracks are let your love grow tall, the reeling, eyes as candles, to kingdom come. He is a greek orthodox church member so he makes a few references in these tracks about the church.
Gossamer (2012) - This is the most popular album by far with even catchier , refined pop synths and darker lyrics. It just turned 10 years old, I remember watching it's songs on Vh1 back in the day and feel super old just realizing that this it was 10 years ago. Life goes by fast.
Carried away - https://youtube.com/watch?v=DiEwJTOderQ
Watch the video, it is about the struggles in a relationship with him apologizing about his behavior and wanting to make up with his girl. It is super cute and kinda bittersweet.
Take a walk - https://youtube.com/watch?v=dZX6Q-Bj_xg&t=13s
This is a nostalgia bomb, I remember hearing it on a FIFA game in 2012 or 2013 whilst playing it with my friends on a Playstation 2. Life was simpler back then. Anyway this song is about what it is like to be a first gen immigrant in the US, losing touch with your family, financial issues and what it is like to be a man of the family, it has verses about markets, having to keep up a lifestyle etc. Listen to it. It is really really good.
Cry like a ghost - https://youtube.com/watch?v=i380DwcJxxM
This is about alcohol abuse but the video is about a woman regretting being alcoholic and promiscuos. Regardless it is a very different narration of what being black out drunk and it's bad consequences can be, including being abusive.
I'll be alright - https://youtube.com/watch?v=6Bmg3h7RSM4
This is about him describing his struggles and hoping for a better tomorrow. Similar to another great track called better things released earlier.
Constant Conversations - https://youtube.com/watch?v=EBLuWKnKIn0
The song is about alcholism and abuse, the video however seems more about american upper society's degenracy. Very mellow.
Love is greed - https://youtube.com/watch?v=7kZZwIlz45M
Love is painful, my favorite verse is 'If we really love ourselves, How do you love somebody else?'
where we belong, american blood etc are other great songs.
He later realeased two more albums, kindred and a tremendous sea of love. Both are awesome.
I won't go into detail about the other two albums that were both amazing, but passion pit's music is the kind that i find most relatable because he has mental issues that he cannot control. I have never listened to a song by him that I do not like and you too should try his stuff out.
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