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I'm mostly posting this just to vent but I also would like some feedback on handling bad actors in social groups.
I'm apart of this group of 15-25 board gamers/social deduction game players in my local area. About a year ago one of my closer friends in this group but also from prior to it did sort of a 180. Before we were playing lots of games together, sometimes 40 hours a week playing Frosthaven as a duo, and just starting to branch out into activities outside of board games. To afterwards him ignoring me, giving me the cold shoulder, and never being available anymore. I was understandably confused, I inquired to him about it and was essentially given the Uno reverse card and also told that I was imagining it. I never got closure on the subject but that oftentimes is a fantasy so shrug. He then for about 7 months after engaged in a fairly subtle but noticeable campaign of bullying, passive aggressive comments, ignoring, and deliberately targeting me in all the games we played jointly as part of the same general group. I was mostly content to take the high road, remain stoic, and ignore him. I snarked back a couple of times but mostly kept my composure. From time to time people inquired about the situation, I gave them my side, asked them to stay out of it, told them I didn't want the drama. and that seemed to work out.
Well, until about 2 months ago, when someone from the group approached me with a very similar story of how he had done the same thing towards her (more recently than me). She wasn't really willing to take it on the chin like I was and after more incidents of his bad behavior surfaced involving others as well things have gotten heated. Currently He got kicked from the private discord group. I co-host a game at a public game shop and he has been asked to take a break for a bit, until tempers have cooled.
This went over like a lead balloon and turned the dumpster fire into a nuclear explosion. He doesn't really engage, but he has two friends (who were also friends with everyone else) in this group very aggressively defending him. Calling all of us bullies, yada yada. It's all very dramatic. The realization among all the people with complaints + the leader of the group discord, about 9 people at this point, is that this main guy is very manipulative, some accusations about Narcissism Personality Disorder or Machiavellianism have been quietly whispered.
But in all of this I'm lost on what to actually do. I've made my peace that he's a bad actor and I just avoid him now. The group leader doesn't want a thorn left laying around, particular after the incredibly dismissive response he received when trying to work through it with the guy and then the vicious response he received from the friends after booting him. Other people in the group are much less level headed and want blood. And in all of this I am reminded almost of the whole MOP article.
Write him off. He's toxic-to-dangerous to associate with. You may have had a long friendship with him, but that was only because he hid his full personality from you. It's the classic story of any abusive relationship, whether it be controlling spouses, pimps, or vampires. Find people in the group that you can trust, and talk about everything (it sounds like you're doing this). Share all the warning signs, and listen when other people share theirs. Look up diagnostic criteria and discuss them like a book club.
As for the bad actor, you want to separate from him in a way that does not draw attention to you personally. If he focuses on you, that could be dangerous: you don't know what he might try. Just fade out and wind down any connections. Be a "gray rock", stay bland, don't give any emotion back one way or another, and be noncommittal. From a purely selfish perspective, let other people take the heat. But if you're feeling altruistic, you can look up strategies like this and share them with other people in the group.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
Sadly, I don't think modern society has any good legal/ethical remedy for this situation. (If only we still had weregild!). He'll be out there, preying on other people, and you'll know that. Fortunately, this guy doesn't seem particularly intelligent, charismatic, or sadistic, so you're probably not letting another Jeffrey Dahmer go free. Unless he escalates, he'll just be spreading a low-grade cloud of misery and evil into the world.
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