Atian_1
14d ago
Interesting regarding the smaller reservoir for emotional stimulation, and more active resting network. I haven't seen it put in those words, "active resting network" before. That seems to be similar to what I experience, in that my thoughts just don't shut down even when I want to rest. Feels like I'm calculating (to what end I don't know) the previous mundane events of the day sometimes, not even in a stressed way but in a doing-arithmetic mechanical sort of way, but I can't shut it off. Unless sometimes like I said, if I do everything else right while also managing to not overthink sleep hygiene. Not sure if that's really emotional processing going on though, more just an instinctive reluctance to let go of active thinking, but perhaps processed by the cerebellum too, idk?
Atian_1
14d ago
Also, I don't think I put that much into my own well-being right now. It might have sounded like that, but like I said I think I was able to induce anhedonia, which when combined with some momentum makes it seem like you are very disciplined, when you actually aren't. It's some kind of weird cheat code that nobody talks about, but if you can annihilate pleasure you can seem to do a lot of good things for yourself, but think that's a path as wide as a razor's edge and all that. I wouldn't be surprised if some of my issues were because of that forced anhedonia. Now I'm no longer anhedonic, or at least much less so, and I want to try and build discipline/will power and direct it toward improving well-being the right way, but I am definitely lacking in will power and discipline because I coasted for a long time on anhedonia.
Atian_1
14d ago
Interesting, it is good to have someone else say that it seems like something a 3 year old could imagine on their own. I was probably just searching too hard for a cause for my issues, when I just need to make a series of good choices and such, maybe will not get any hard closure on why my issues happened, no magic bullet of knowledge/memory that will suddenly make it all make sense.
Thank you for sharing and for the encouragement. I do have social anxiety as well actually, I hadn't considered whether or not I'm on the spectrum until now, although if good coordination removes you from that I guess I wouldn't be. I definitely sympathize with keeping the peace among sensitive friends!
I ended up deleting my other post and shortening it because I thought it was too long but I appreciate you reading through it. Interesting suggestion regarding the fan for sleeping, perhaps I will try that. I bought this book that I have yet to read called the effortless sleep method that seems promising, we'll see what it says. My main issue with the abuse thought is that I basically hallucinated an angry stranger with context/framing that I shouldn't really have been able to know as a 3 year old, but also the framing wasn't too outrageous/overtly sexual, so who knows if I somehow overheard something in media accidentally, felt some kind of shame about what I was doing subconsciously, that got incorporated into a hallucination, that's the only nice explanation I can think of. But it is reassuring that at least the masturbation itself isn't too weird at that age.
Atian_1
14d ago
How likely is it that you were abused as a baby if you were already masturbating at 3 yrs old and while doing so, had a vision of an unfamiliar woman angrily forbidding you to think about girls and telling me to think about boys instead? I ended up straight and disregarded her command, but the vibes felt like some kind of feministic progressive trying to make me gay as a 3 year old?
I also had some UTIs at the time and a fear of bathrooms. I had some nightmares about this woman as well until I was 5-6 or so, not sexual in nature however. My parents do not recall any such person that matched my description of that woman in our lives. Although I feel like if it were anyone, it would have maybe been a preschool substitute teacher? Given that I inexplicably could not use the bathroom at my preschool and had to be held back because of it. How does one explain such a memory then? I've read that early masturbation doesn't necessarily mean abuse, and I didn't seem to have actual knowledge of how sex worked until a normal age. But this memory I have doesn't seem exactly normal either, you know? And I acquired a lot of issues as I grew up, not sexual but physical and mental and am trying to figure out why I am so objectively weird and have so many problems.
Atian_1
19d ago
Apologies but if you have the time, what do you mean by "Good is less important than discipline, and since discipline is only visible by outcomes that are beyond ones control, performative performance is a visible proxy." What is performative performance a proxy for, and why is discipline only visible by outcomes that are beyond ones control? I thought discipline in this context would be doing the cog work diligently, which is in ones control? Not disagreeing or agreeing with you, just trying to understand better. And I agree that if we're all cogs then a cog that buys into the corpospeak is going to be preferred over a cog that doesn't, if I understand you, you are basically competing for who has most allegience to the mission? Incentivizing allegiance to the mission?
Atian_1
26d ago
If you haven't tried, what might help is trying one or two days of a really high-fiber diet, where you eat in one day include the following: 3-4 fruits, whole grains only, 2 cans of beans, and a carrot. That gives you about 60 grams of fiber right there, not sure what your diet currently looks like fiber wise. But if things haven't been working for 2 weeks shocking the system with a sudden jump in fiber might help. Could add another can of beans for another 15 grams of fiber. Not sure if this is the right strategy for you though but it could be something to try.
Atian_1
26d ago
How much of an issue is heavy metal contamination of supplements? My family and I eat a large amount of supplements and plant protein powders. I have a lot of tendonitis and sleep problems. (Skipping the supplements hasn't seemed to change anything, but I'm not sure if years of taking them has done semi-permanent changes. I also have not stopped the plant protein powders yet). My family doesn't have these issues but I'm the only one that eats plant protein powders, so perhaps it's the protein powders and not the supplements that are contaminated. Is it worth testing for heavy metals? Which metals? I'm seeing my endo again this winter and might get them to do these tests for me.
Atian_1
28d ago
Just want to tell you you're not alone, I have done many of the same things (dimming the laptop screen a lot to make it hard to read even though I'm literally just using it to take notes in class, video game hiding despite not being anything weird or wrong). These are weird things to do I think, and I have done them, although perhaps I'm different than you in that I have not done them as much with family, as I tend to let this "guard" down once I really get to know someone/they are family. I agree it's a bit of a liability, so I am curious what people say in the comments regarding how to get past it. Keep in mind I am only in my early 20s and only recently has it occurred to me this is something that is a problem, so don't feel bad that I haven't moved past it yet, and probably only recently you have really started to consider this a liability. I believe it can be moved past, let's see what people suggest.
Man that's some weird stuff. Weird world I guess, maybe you are right there is no normal just a weird world. Edit: maybe the people who say they haven't seen or heard anyone see anything weird are the true weird ones?
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