calistan
11mo ago
I appreciate this! Still stuck in my primitive googling ways but I should give this a shot.
calistan
11mo ago
Yeah, I used to be terrified of "looking stupid" so kept my mouth shut on basically everything until... now? Bad strategy, would not recommend!
calistan
11mo ago
Again, thank you! I'm working on it. Never managed to maintain a friendship for more than a couple years (even in school) but I've learned a lot about how to keep showing up and be intentional, so hopefully this time I'll do better.
calistan
11mo ago
Thanks for the insightful reply. I think you're correct to point out the way my present mindset is coloring the things that I think are valuable and those that seem not to be. No shade to the arts ("the arts") intended, I suppose I might be a bit disappointed in the extent to which I specialized. I've been actively spending time improving my painting skills, and that is something important I don't plan to discard.
As for the rest, I think you're right re: my idealization and I appreciate hearing it. I think I might be clinging to this as "the answer" to other areas of dissatisfaction in my life. I have a tendency to fixate/obsess on one thing or another and this is probably the latest manifestation of that (and it happens to be much broader in nature, I think, than my usual obsessions (e.g. houseplants or fashion). Ultimately, I'm feeling a lack of social connection and a frustration with what feels like hollow interactions with people who don't seem to understand me (and vice versa). Years of self-help psychology, therapy, and other forms of "healing from trauma" haven't been terribly effective. But now I'm rambling so I'll leave it there. Thanks again!
calistan
11mo ago
I literally never heard of Toastmasters until like, yesterday. There are about a hundred within 5 miles of me it seems. Thanks!
calistan
11mo ago
Thanks for your response--I guess I need to accept it'll take time and things might feel different as time passes. Exciting to hear that you feel it was worth it, though! An ex of mine used to always share SSC posts with me and I felt like I couldn't understand them. Going to try again, but more slowly.
calistan
11mo ago
Thank you for your kind and thorough response! The craziest part is that I didn't feel like I was uninformed... it just didn't occur to me to consider how much more was out there. Feels totally silly in retrospect but my past self looks like a shell to me! I really appreciate the sentiment "You only have to compare yourself against how much you knew yesterday."
And thank you for sharing point number 3--I also think my partner is more intelligent than me, and my frustration is likely coming from feeling a lack of shared interests at all right now. That and those interests we do share, he doesn't seem to want to talk about. So... probably a whole other issue.
And good recs from ChatGPT! I'm lucky to live (and work) in one of the most populous cities in the US so there isn't much of an excuse for me not finding people to connect with. Gotta keep at it (and be patient)!
calistan
11mo ago
Hello! First post here, lurker on and off for some time. Not sure how to phrase my question so I'll give a bit of info about myself first.
I'm a woman in my early 30s, college graduate with a worse-than-useless (i.e. expensive!) degree, working in a field that I don't find particularly challenging or motivating. This is fine with me, it pays the bills and then some and I have plenty of leisure time. I always was good enough at school to be placed in "gifted" classes but looking back, "smart" meant good at school and not much more. Concepts like "critical thinking" only began to resonate woefully late, after I'd already received my bachelor's degree (how??). For the past few years I've been very narrowly focused on studying psychology, PTSD, other self-helpy topics. Other hobbies include studying languages, fitness, painting, cooking, spending too much time on Reddit, etc.
I don't have many friends and struggle to make and maintain relationships. I tend to not like people very much and get fixated on my one person (usually a romantic partner) and am chronically disappointed by aspects of these relationships. Recently, I've been experimenting with cannabis and feel as though my mind has fundamentally changed in some way (even when I'm not "under the influence"). I've become extremely fascinated by history and, for lack of a better way of putting it, how and why things are the way they are. Suddenly the realm of knowledge one can acquire seems immensely vast and I am hungry to learn as much as I possibly can. Beyond that, I want to meet and know smart people who I can learn from! I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start. After more than 30 years of never trying to discuss anything remotely intellectual, I feel stunted and useless. I feel like I've missed out on my best years specializing in psudoscience and "the arts."
I guess I'm grappling with both the burgeoning understanding of my own ignorance, as well as a lack of direction and community. I don't know anyone who wants to talk about anything other than the shallowest pop culture. I'm beginning to resent my relationship with my boyfriend who doesn't seem to have the skills or desire (not clear which) to converse about anything intellectual or controversial. I also don't feel like I'm smart enough to contribute meaningfully in spaces such as this one. Aaaand I continually feel discouraged when the means I try to use to increase my knowledge feel above my level. Like, maybe I'm just limited by lower intelligence? Wondering where others began and if anyone has any advice, thanks!
Fascinating, thanks for taking the time to share all this.
Ha, I definitely didn't work hard at all, and had a lot working against me (divorced parents, time divided 50-50 between the two homes, raised by addict/bipolar mom and thoroughly disinterested dad) so I probably am not unintelligent.
It's amusing to think how long I incuriously took for granted that "I am smart," not bothering to question to what extent that was true (and what I should do with it). Your last point about "insight porn" resonates although I hadn't heard the term before.
Again, I appreciate your response!
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