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Wellness Wednesday for May 10, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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Hello! First post here, lurker on and off for some time. Not sure how to phrase my question so I'll give a bit of info about myself first.

I'm a woman in my early 30s, college graduate with a worse-than-useless (i.e. expensive!) degree, working in a field that I don't find particularly challenging or motivating. This is fine with me, it pays the bills and then some and I have plenty of leisure time. I always was good enough at school to be placed in "gifted" classes but looking back, "smart" meant good at school and not much more. Concepts like "critical thinking" only began to resonate woefully late, after I'd already received my bachelor's degree (how??). For the past few years I've been very narrowly focused on studying psychology, PTSD, other self-helpy topics. Other hobbies include studying languages, fitness, painting, cooking, spending too much time on Reddit, etc.

I don't have many friends and struggle to make and maintain relationships. I tend to not like people very much and get fixated on my one person (usually a romantic partner) and am chronically disappointed by aspects of these relationships. Recently, I've been experimenting with cannabis and feel as though my mind has fundamentally changed in some way (even when I'm not "under the influence"). I've become extremely fascinated by history and, for lack of a better way of putting it, how and why things are the way they are. Suddenly the realm of knowledge one can acquire seems immensely vast and I am hungry to learn as much as I possibly can. Beyond that, I want to meet and know smart people who I can learn from! I'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start. After more than 30 years of never trying to discuss anything remotely intellectual, I feel stunted and useless. I feel like I've missed out on my best years specializing in psudoscience and "the arts."

I guess I'm grappling with both the burgeoning understanding of my own ignorance, as well as a lack of direction and community. I don't know anyone who wants to talk about anything other than the shallowest pop culture. I'm beginning to resent my relationship with my boyfriend who doesn't seem to have the skills or desire (not clear which) to converse about anything intellectual or controversial. I also don't feel like I'm smart enough to contribute meaningfully in spaces such as this one. Aaaand I continually feel discouraged when the means I try to use to increase my knowledge feel above my level. Like, maybe I'm just limited by lower intelligence? Wondering where others began and if anyone has any advice, thanks!

I've been into "intellectual" pursuits for most of my life, since middle school at least since I started consuming all science news articles I could find.

A couple things that might be "wisdom" from me:

  1. Pursuing intellectual topics does not require anything other than average intelligence and interest. You don't have to be a genius to find history, cool science, or esoteric brain topics fun. I do believe IQ is real, and can have some noticeable real world effects, but most of those effects can become a wash if some other person has more time and interest.

  2. Speaking of time, you are starting late, but that is not a bad thing at all. In some ways I am jealous. There are many cool things to learn, and you have lots of low hanging fruit. Unlike school this is not a competition. You don't have to be the most learned person in the room. You only have to compare yourself against how much you knew yesterday.

  3. Romantic partners don't have to share all of your interests. I have a wife who is not intellectually inclined at all. I'd also be pretty confident that she is smarter than me IQ wise. I don't think most people are intellectually inclined. That is fine. You can still connect with them on other areas of shared interest. You can still be attracted to them. You can still enjoy activities with them.

  4. You can often find the intellectually inclined doing things that work out their brain. It might seem obvious, but its worth pointing. People that care about their body can be found doing things that exercise their body. Same with the mind. There are meetup groups for slatestarcodex, dungeons and dragons groups are about using your imagination and acting skills, and any text-based online community or forum is going to mostly be people using their minds.

I like browsing youtube for interesting science education. There are some very fascinating historical blogs and podcasts out there.

When I asked ChatGPT for advice for you, they gave what I thought was mediocre advice, so I won't repeat it. But when I asked what groups you should join I thought their advice was more helpful (except for item #7, which is a bad suggestion I think):

  1. Book clubs or reading groups: These groups bring people together to discuss and analyze books on a variety of topics. They can be a great way to meet like-minded people and expand your knowledge.

  2. Historical societies: Many cities and towns have local historical societies that offer lectures, tours, and other events related to local history.

  3. Language learning groups: Meetup groups and language exchange programs offer opportunities to practice speaking and learning languages with others.

  4. Philosophy clubs: These groups discuss philosophical concepts and ideas, often with a focus on applying them to real-world issues.

  5. Meetup groups for intellectual or academic topics: Meetup.com has a wide variety of groups for people interested in everything from science and technology to social issues and politics.

  6. Toastmasters International: This organization helps people improve their public speaking and leadership skills through meetings, workshops, and other events.

  7. Mensa: This organization is open to people with high IQ scores and offers networking opportunities, social events, and other resources for intellectual growth.

Thank you for your kind and thorough response! The craziest part is that I didn't feel like I was uninformed... it just didn't occur to me to consider how much more was out there. Feels totally silly in retrospect but my past self looks like a shell to me! I really appreciate the sentiment "You only have to compare yourself against how much you knew yesterday."

And thank you for sharing point number 3--I also think my partner is more intelligent than me, and my frustration is likely coming from feeling a lack of shared interests at all right now. That and those interests we do share, he doesn't seem to want to talk about. So... probably a whole other issue.

And good recs from ChatGPT! I'm lucky to live (and work) in one of the most populous cities in the US so there isn't much of an excuse for me not finding people to connect with. Gotta keep at it (and be patient)!