jak22
3mo ago
I really appreciate you honing in on a proper response. I know I'm not being entirely clear.
Tis the power of asking questions, and thank you for being willing to open up so much. This response I think gets us much closer to somewhere useful. And their are a few places where I think you can explore further. But first, to re-echo @FiveHourMarathon above:
You shouldn't seek consciously to align yourself with a whole grab-bag of beliefs.
This is such an important point, and he elaborates on it well so I won't divulge further, I just want to emphasize how important I think that is.
But onto some specific comments and questions regarding church and romance:
On Church (traditionalism)
Disclaimer: I'm not religious, so the following will be an accounting from people who are/have been close to me in my life...
A strong community with strong values that are very family-friendly is great
Agreed, this is something I have really respected about religion (despite not being religious myself), they really do foster community which is so powerful.
I believe I could attend church and say all the right words because a kind God who would understand everything about me is deeply touching. But would my kids appreciate my lying to them?
I once had an ex-girlfriend who was an Episcopalian, and she told me that at her church, there are active members who don't believe in God but come every Sunday for the community. And the community accepts them. It is very likely that this is a very weird church (it is in SF after all), but the core point here is I do not think you have to have all the same beliefs as the congregation you are in to go to church somewhere. Obviously some baseline stuff is required, i.e. actually believing in God is probably needed at most churches. But every belief doesn't have to be the same. And if the church you find does have a problem with some view.... find a different church. I'm sure some people more religious than me would disagree with this, but I think you can be choosy about what parts of religion and the bible work for you. It doesn't have to be that you believe every word to go to church.
I can tell you, statistically, Christians are not helped at all by their faith, except for their community building. If goodwill and karma and a loving God existed, that girl I knew wouldn't have shot herself.
In my world view "faith" and "the existence of a loving god" are too very different things. One is a question of belief (I think a loving god exists), and the other is a question of truth (A loving god exists). I too have doubts as to the latter, but that doesn't mean that people's faith doesn't provide vast amounts of comfort to them irregardless of the truth value to the former.
On dating apps (liberalism)
I don't know how many women will have it be a dealbreaker if we don't have sex within a short timeframe, or if I fail to break the touch barrier, or if I suck at kissing
So, more women than you think will ok with this. Modern media likes to frame women as these "sexual beings", and while those kinds of women do exist, they aren't omnipresent. And more women than you probably think would be ok waiting until things become serious to have sex. And if you play it with the right charisma, this can even come across extremely romantic.
I don't know if they will mind if I have dealbreakers like no blowjobs or no anal sex
Main thing here The VAST majority of women don't do anal. Anal is very much a product out of porn, and is mostly done because men who have watched too much porn ask women to do it. Most women won't ask for anal.
I think a huge mistake liberalism makes is saying that you need to sleep around to figure out what you prefer sexually, that every time you're with another person, you get closer to your true self.
I think this is another one of those beliefs that really only exist in the outside fringes of liberals. I.e. only the most liberal people (men or women) I know actually believe something like this. Most of the people I know, including my liberal friends, believe something closer to what you said about only wanting to have sex with someone you think you'll want to marry. My personal rule of thumb, is sex is only something I will do with someone who I am in a relationship with, and deeply care about.
I think the self is fleeting and changes even as you pursue it
Definitely -- My favorite quote from any teacher I ever had was from an old english teacher in high school who said "feelings are ephemeral". I think about that quote so damn often. Because life is, at its core, ephemeral. (God I love that word)
Last question
it was such a waste, and you were made permanently uglier
So here's a thought, and again this comes from a place of curiousity. Why do you believe that sex makes you permanently uglier? Is it a byproduct of your religious upbringing? Or from something else?
Again, thank you for being so open, and I hope some of these, thoughts, questions and observations can help you even a little bit.
jak22
4mo ago
My own experience in life is definitely different than yours in a lot of ways, but I think its important to lay out some of it so you know me somewhat. For example, I come from more of a center-left background, and my childhood traumas are of a different nature than yours. But more importantly, I'm curious about some of what you said in this reply.
on church
requires some beliefs that I think don't work Which beliefs are those? And do you think you have to hold whatever these beliefs are to go to church and meet people there?
on dating apps
like the belief in the "true self" and the discovery of your "self" sexually Can you expand on what you mean by this? Like are you worried that you will have to start adopting these beliefs to use dating apps? Or is there some other hangup?
jak22
4mo ago
Hi!
You've clearly had a hard time in life so far. But putting that aside, it sounds like you have managed to find a job out of college, and that's awesome! That's worth celebrating!
You framed the issue as "Traditionalism vs Liberalism" to start. But it sounds to me like your current issue, and the reason your posting, has more to do with learning how to navigate romance. Would you say the current struggle is that the only two frameworks that you've seen for navigating romance is that of the traditionally liberal and conservative worldviews? And your conflict is that you see major flaws in both? If that is the case, I have thoughts that you might find useful, but first lets make sure we've identified the root problem first. If that isn't right, let me know where I went wrong in my interpretation of your problem.
jak22
4mo ago
So by stuffy, its a combination of hot and just dusty. But the main thing is it just doesn't feel like there is a large amount of airflow coming from outside, as it just always feels a little hard to breathe and my nose always feel dry. I never had this problem in my old apartment.
As further evidence of air not coming from outside, I'm in San Francisco, and when I walk outside, it be chilly out. And the moment I walk into my apartment I get a blast of warm air, which strikes me as like I'm not getting enough outside air inside. And this was not the case in my old apartment whose temperature mapped pretty closely to the outside temperature.
As for vents in the new apartment, I see a few vents in my apartment, and I asked a maintenance guy if those were vents that came from the outside but due to new management in my building, the maintenance guy had only been working here for 3 days and had no idea what kind of air vents were in my apartment. So it is unclear if these are for heating, cooling, both, or to just have more airflow.
The only thing were fairly certain is there a large Amana AC/Heating unit next to the wall near the outside. Kind of looks like this one on Amazon, we think this air comes directly outside, but we can't confirm it.
As for dampers, I have no idea where to check for that, would that be at the opening of the vent? Or would it be somewhere in the ductwork?
And for filters, we did find some filters on the AC Unit, which we did clean out cause it was pretty nasty, and just generally cleaned out the AC unit writ large. And the air does feel cleaner, but I still don't feel like I'm getting enough airflow if that makes sense.
jak22
4mo ago
New thread for a different topic unrelated to chairs. I just got a new apartment and the ventilation in here really sucks. Like it is super stuffy.
I've already bought an air purifier, and my air c02 monitor is on the way.
I've already asked the apartment landlords to come in to clean out the vents, because i think that's a big part of the problem. But I would love to get some thoughts here from people who faced this problem in the past.
jak22
4mo ago
Oh nice, it looks like the key search time is "office liquidation", and one came right up.
I'm going to see if this one can get me a nice chair, if not i'll see if there are others near by. Thanks for the recommendation. I'm going to try this!
jak22
4mo ago
I'm currently looking into investing into a nice office chair for my work from set up. I'd like to spend at most 500 dollars. Does anyone know what the best chair is for that price range? And I know body type matters, so I'm tall and on the skinny side, if that helps.
Thanks in advance!
I am under no illusion that I can change the mind of a person on anything, people don't change their mind so easily. I only really have 2 goals here.
Would you say your own beliefs about pre-maritial sex making someone more ugly, has more to do with the damage being done to ones partner? That by engaging in sex with someone you don't ultimately marry, you'll be making their life actively worse because you believe that having had this sexual experience they will find it harder to ultimately marry themselves? So by making their life worse, you are now uglier for having done that to them?
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