First, thank you for the thoughtful response, I really appreciate it :)
First, on the topic of meltdowns. At the beginning they were primarily about her visa status, she is in the US from Canada on a work visa, and when I met her she had a few months to get a job or she would be overstaying her visa. And given we met each other and fell for each other pretty instantly, that meant the penalty for both of us if that happened would be losing this great relationship we just started. So at the start I gave her a lot of slack at the start. But she eventually did find a job (As expected, she is basically a genius and had a killer resume), but where it started getting taxing was she continued to be terrified of then losing her job. and it felt like every week I had to calm her down about her getting deported, and this kind of reaction was eventually the meltdowns that had us want to go to couples counseling, and she did get a lot better coping mechanisms and ways of thinking about it.
On LDR. This has been something I've been feeling more and more, both for the calming element you are bringing up to being playful. I feel like our playful and fun sides are way more apparent to each other when we are together in person, and I'd say the last mew months has been sorely lacking in the fun department as we've been dealing with some other emotional / connection issues recently that I do think would be much better if we lived together. But one of the big problems for me here is that I don't want to leave the city (SF). I really love the car-free lifestyle and its really hard to give that up. And she works out in the burbs and that is what keeps her in that area. I WFH so practically if either of us was to move it would be me, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to give up the lifestyle I want when we have these other issues we are dealing with and I'm unsure about us. Although I often wonder if this is a big chicken and egg problem to some degree, "I don't want to move in because we have relationship problems, but we have relationship problems because we haven't moved in".
On our connection.
what brought you two together? First... we were both really physically attracted to each other. Second, was the feeling that I could always be an authentic version of myself around her. I could be silly and she would be silly back and I felt like I could express all my thoughts and beliefs and she never judged me for them like I was in previous relationships. As a result our relationship was very silly and playful. I'd tag her and run away. We'd dance in the street like no one was watching. I would pick her up and spin her around and we'd giggle like children.
And we still do those things, but our relationship simply feels a lot less secure and we both know it. So those moments don't feel as joyful as they once did. She knows I've been having a lot of second thoughts and I am increasingly worried that this isn't working out. But I then second guess my own judgement, is this still a chicken and egg problem? Are we not working because we haven't moved in and made that commitment? Or are we not moving in and making a commitment because we aren't working out?
And there is one part of me that thinks breaking up is the right move. That I'm not happy, and I no longer feel like my needs are being met and I feel myself disconnecting**. But the other part of me remembers how happy we were in the beginning, and how right everything felt and I wonder if maybe the problem is me not being willing to commit?
**I've definitely been starting to feel neglected in some regards. The main one is her overall lack of social graces. She is someone who grew up in a family where people never really asked each other questions, and then in college she studied pure math with the autistic geniusestm who simply info dumped and never asked questions. And its becoming more and more clear that her ability to have a smooth conversation is just lacking, and I feel like I've been having to teach her how to have conversations which has been making me feel more like her parent than her partner. And this extends to meeting my friends, where it feels like she is awkward and it seems like she doesn't want to be there. Which really hurts me because I don't get to see my friends often and I get worried both that she and my friends are uncomfortable when I want to have a lovely time with them both.
And I have talked about this with her in all of this. And she always agrees to work on it and to try to get better, which is encouraging! I would break up with her if she wasn't willing to work on it, because basic communication is important. But this is where it goes back to my original query, should I really be with someone I'm trying to change? As it does make me feel more like a parent, and it also makes her feel less secure, like my love is conditional. And I know that must hurt like hell for her. But she is committed to making it work, and I see her putting in so much effort. But the work is genuinely draining and the wear on me has really started to show in the last couple of months.
jak22
2mo ago
If you both view the relationship as "the firm foundation the rest of your life is built on" and you are both committed to giving 100% to each other regardless of if it feels like you are getting 100% back (because sometimes one person's 100% only feels like 50% to the other person), then you will be fine. If that level of commitment is the thing you are hoping changes, then run away screaming.
So using your definition of a capstone marriage, that definitely isn't my view, I firmly believe that relationship should be the bedrock the rest of your life is built on. And I actually am 100% certain that she is someone who will give me 100% commitment to the relationship.
I think the issues I'm having now is more about wondering if she is someone, who at her baseline, is someone who is compatable with me. The kinds of issues we are now dealing with feel more fundamental about ourselves.
Stuff about how we communicate our feelings and issues, how we like to interact in social settings, etc.
jak22
2mo ago
So I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and I'd like some advice.
First some context.
When we first got together, we both had the classic puppy dog infatuation phase with each other. Absolutely head over heels with one another and I never wanted to stop being around her. But as time went on I discovered some pretty major red flags about her, for example she had (emphasis on the past tense here) a VERY extreme response to stress and had full meltdowns in ways that were incredibly hard for me to emotionally handle. And this led me to what I've been defining as the paradox of relationship advice, stemming from the tension of two common pieces of relationship advice:
- Don't go into a relationship trying to change someone
- You and your partner need to grow into the right people for each other.
But ultimately tl;dr. What do people think here about the paradox that I've laid out.
Bonus context: To her credit, she made real results here. She did some serious self-reflection, and we did couples counseling together and really made an improvement.
My issue now is that I'm noticing more and more deal-breaking issues that I feel like really need to be addressed, and she does keep trying to make improvements, and really does improve. But I feel stuck feeling like things still feel wrong, and I can't tell if this is due to:
- The issues are not being addressed fast enough and I'm getting impatient
- The issues are actually addressed but I'm stuck in a negative psychological pattern that is just looking for issues and reasons to break up even after the initial issues have been addressed
- We live an hour apart by train, and only see each other on weekends and dealing with these kinds of issues almost entirely over the phone has led us to have less fun interactions overall and our relationship just doesn't feel as playful as our daily phone calls almost always feel like we only talk about our issues and not having fun together.
jak22
9mo ago
I hope you don't think you can talk someone out of that
I am under no illusion that I can change the mind of a person on anything, people don't change their mind so easily. I only really have 2 goals here.
- I am a genuinely curious to see how people who think different than me think.
- To ask clarifying questions where I fund reasonable. Not as a means to change your mind. But simply as questions for you to ponder as you come to your own conclusions.... on that note, I have one more
The idea that you shared something so intimate with a woman only to break up and her to take that part with her as she walks away.
Would you say your own beliefs about pre-maritial sex making someone more ugly, has more to do with the damage being done to ones partner? That by engaging in sex with someone you don't ultimately marry, you'll be making their life actively worse because you believe that having had this sexual experience they will find it harder to ultimately marry themselves? So by making their life worse, you are now uglier for having done that to them?
jak22
9mo ago
I really appreciate you honing in on a proper response. I know I'm not being entirely clear.
Tis the power of asking questions, and thank you for being willing to open up so much. This response I think gets us much closer to somewhere useful. And their are a few places where I think you can explore further. But first, to re-echo @FiveHourMarathon above:
You shouldn't seek consciously to align yourself with a whole grab-bag of beliefs.
This is such an important point, and he elaborates on it well so I won't divulge further, I just want to emphasize how important I think that is.
But onto some specific comments and questions regarding church and romance:
On Church (traditionalism)
Disclaimer: I'm not religious, so the following will be an accounting from people who are/have been close to me in my life...
A strong community with strong values that are very family-friendly is great
Agreed, this is something I have really respected about religion (despite not being religious myself), they really do foster community which is so powerful.
I believe I could attend church and say all the right words because a kind God who would understand everything about me is deeply touching. But would my kids appreciate my lying to them?
I once had an ex-girlfriend who was an Episcopalian, and she told me that at her church, there are active members who don't believe in God but come every Sunday for the community. And the community accepts them. It is very likely that this is a very weird church (it is in SF after all), but the core point here is I do not think you have to have all the same beliefs as the congregation you are in to go to church somewhere. Obviously some baseline stuff is required, i.e. actually believing in God is probably needed at most churches. But every belief doesn't have to be the same. And if the church you find does have a problem with some view.... find a different church. I'm sure some people more religious than me would disagree with this, but I think you can be choosy about what parts of religion and the bible work for you. It doesn't have to be that you believe every word to go to church.
I can tell you, statistically, Christians are not helped at all by their faith, except for their community building. If goodwill and karma and a loving God existed, that girl I knew wouldn't have shot herself.
In my world view "faith" and "the existence of a loving god" are too very different things. One is a question of belief (I think a loving god exists), and the other is a question of truth (A loving god exists). I too have doubts as to the latter, but that doesn't mean that people's faith doesn't provide vast amounts of comfort to them irregardless of the truth value to the former.
On dating apps (liberalism)
I don't know how many women will have it be a dealbreaker if we don't have sex within a short timeframe, or if I fail to break the touch barrier, or if I suck at kissing
So, more women than you think will ok with this. Modern media likes to frame women as these "sexual beings", and while those kinds of women do exist, they aren't omnipresent. And more women than you probably think would be ok waiting until things become serious to have sex. And if you play it with the right charisma, this can even come across extremely romantic.
I don't know if they will mind if I have dealbreakers like no blowjobs or no anal sex
Main thing here The VAST majority of women don't do anal. Anal is very much a product out of porn, and is mostly done because men who have watched too much porn ask women to do it. Most women won't ask for anal.
I think a huge mistake liberalism makes is saying that you need to sleep around to figure out what you prefer sexually, that every time you're with another person, you get closer to your true self.
I think this is another one of those beliefs that really only exist in the outside fringes of liberals. I.e. only the most liberal people (men or women) I know actually believe something like this. Most of the people I know, including my liberal friends, believe something closer to what you said about only wanting to have sex with someone you think you'll want to marry. My personal rule of thumb, is sex is only something I will do with someone who I am in a relationship with, and deeply care about.
I think the self is fleeting and changes even as you pursue it
Definitely -- My favorite quote from any teacher I ever had was from an old english teacher in high school who said "feelings are ephemeral". I think about that quote so damn often. Because life is, at its core, ephemeral. (God I love that word)
Last question
it was such a waste, and you were made permanently uglier
So here's a thought, and again this comes from a place of curiousity. Why do you believe that sex makes you permanently uglier? Is it a byproduct of your religious upbringing? Or from something else?
Again, thank you for being so open, and I hope some of these, thoughts, questions and observations can help you even a little bit.
jak22
9mo ago
My own experience in life is definitely different than yours in a lot of ways, but I think its important to lay out some of it so you know me somewhat. For example, I come from more of a center-left background, and my childhood traumas are of a different nature than yours. But more importantly, I'm curious about some of what you said in this reply.
on church
requires some beliefs that I think don't work Which beliefs are those? And do you think you have to hold whatever these beliefs are to go to church and meet people there?
on dating apps
like the belief in the "true self" and the discovery of your "self" sexually Can you expand on what you mean by this? Like are you worried that you will have to start adopting these beliefs to use dating apps? Or is there some other hangup?
jak22
9mo ago
Hi!
You've clearly had a hard time in life so far. But putting that aside, it sounds like you have managed to find a job out of college, and that's awesome! That's worth celebrating!
You framed the issue as "Traditionalism vs Liberalism" to start. But it sounds to me like your current issue, and the reason your posting, has more to do with learning how to navigate romance. Would you say the current struggle is that the only two frameworks that you've seen for navigating romance is that of the traditionally liberal and conservative worldviews? And your conflict is that you see major flaws in both? If that is the case, I have thoughts that you might find useful, but first lets make sure we've identified the root problem first. If that isn't right, let me know where I went wrong in my interpretation of your problem.
jak22
9mo ago
So by stuffy, its a combination of hot and just dusty. But the main thing is it just doesn't feel like there is a large amount of airflow coming from outside, as it just always feels a little hard to breathe and my nose always feel dry. I never had this problem in my old apartment.
As further evidence of air not coming from outside, I'm in San Francisco, and when I walk outside, it be chilly out. And the moment I walk into my apartment I get a blast of warm air, which strikes me as like I'm not getting enough outside air inside. And this was not the case in my old apartment whose temperature mapped pretty closely to the outside temperature.
As for vents in the new apartment, I see a few vents in my apartment, and I asked a maintenance guy if those were vents that came from the outside but due to new management in my building, the maintenance guy had only been working here for 3 days and had no idea what kind of air vents were in my apartment. So it is unclear if these are for heating, cooling, both, or to just have more airflow.
The only thing were fairly certain is there a large Amana AC/Heating unit next to the wall near the outside. Kind of looks like this one on Amazon, we think this air comes directly outside, but we can't confirm it.
As for dampers, I have no idea where to check for that, would that be at the opening of the vent? Or would it be somewhere in the ductwork?
And for filters, we did find some filters on the AC Unit, which we did clean out cause it was pretty nasty, and just generally cleaned out the AC unit writ large. And the air does feel cleaner, but I still don't feel like I'm getting enough airflow if that makes sense.
jak22
9mo ago
New thread for a different topic unrelated to chairs. I just got a new apartment and the ventilation in here really sucks. Like it is super stuffy.
I've already bought an air purifier, and my air c02 monitor is on the way.
I've already asked the apartment landlords to come in to clean out the vents, because i think that's a big part of the problem. But I would love to get some thoughts here from people who faced this problem in the past.
jak22
9mo ago
Oh nice, it looks like the key search time is "office liquidation", and one came right up.
I'm going to see if this one can get me a nice chair, if not i'll see if there are others near by. Thanks for the recommendation. I'm going to try this!
jak22
9mo ago
I'm currently looking into investing into a nice office chair for my work from set up. I'd like to spend at most 500 dollars. Does anyone know what the best chair is for that price range? And I know body type matters, so I'm tall and on the skinny side, if that helps.
Thanks in advance!
So I think your point about making sure our love is not conditioned on them changing is salient.
I'd like to give you more details and ask for your thoughts as someone in a long, successful relationship.
One thing that matters A LOT to me is quality of conversation. To me having good conversations with people is one of the most important things in my life. With my friends, I get this a lot, partly because I have very interesting friends, but also because I only get updates from them ever week at most, meaning there is always time to develop where there is always something new and interesting to say.
However, with my girlfriend, we talk every day. Meaning our conversation often feels like a "What did you do today?" conversation, and it often feels surface level stuff. And I'm finding that trying to
Do you have any suggestions for me that I could change to make our daily calls more interesting and engaging?
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