First, thank you for the thoughtful response, I really appreciate it :)
First, on the topic of meltdowns. At the beginning they were primarily about her visa status, she is in the US from Canada on a work visa, and when I met her she had a few months to get a job or she would be overstaying her visa. And given we met each other and fell for each other pretty instantly, that meant the penalty for both of us if that happened would be losing this great relationship we just started. So at the start I gave her a lot of slack at the start. But she eventually did find a job (As expected, she is basically a genius and had a killer resume), but where it started getting taxing was she continued to be terrified of then losing her job. and it felt like every week I had to calm her down about her getting deported, and this kind of reaction was eventually the meltdowns that had us want to go to couples counseling, and she did get a lot better coping mechanisms and ways of thinking about it.
On LDR. This has been something I've been feeling more and more, both for the calming element you are bringing up to being playful. I feel like our playful and fun sides are way more apparent to each other when we are together in person, and I'd say the last mew months has been sorely lacking in the fun department as we've been dealing with some other emotional / connection issues recently that I do think would be much better if we lived together. But one of the big problems for me here is that I don't want to leave the city (SF). I really love the car-free lifestyle and its really hard to give that up. And she works out in the burbs and that is what keeps her in that area. I WFH so practically if either of us was to move it would be me, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to give up the lifestyle I want when we have these other issues we are dealing with and I'm unsure about us. Although I often wonder if this is a big chicken and egg problem to some degree, "I don't want to move in because we have relationship problems, but we have relationship problems because we haven't moved in".
On our connection.
what brought you two together? First... we were both really physically attracted to each other. Second, was the feeling that I could always be an authentic version of myself around her. I could be silly and she would be silly back and I felt like I could express all my thoughts and beliefs and she never judged me for them like I was in previous relationships. As a result our relationship was very silly and playful. I'd tag her and run away. We'd dance in the street like no one was watching. I would pick her up and spin her around and we'd giggle like children.
And we still do those things, but our relationship simply feels a lot less secure and we both know it. So those moments don't feel as joyful as they once did. She knows I've been having a lot of second thoughts and I am increasingly worried that this isn't working out. But I then second guess my own judgement, is this still a chicken and egg problem? Are we not working because we haven't moved in and made that commitment? Or are we not moving in and making a commitment because we aren't working out?
And there is one part of me that thinks breaking up is the right move. That I'm not happy, and I no longer feel like my needs are being met and I feel myself disconnecting**. But the other part of me remembers how happy we were in the beginning, and how right everything felt and I wonder if maybe the problem is me not being willing to commit?
**I've definitely been starting to feel neglected in some regards. The main one is her overall lack of social graces. She is someone who grew up in a family where people never really asked each other questions, and then in college she studied pure math with the autistic geniusestm who simply info dumped and never asked questions. And its becoming more and more clear that her ability to have a smooth conversation is just lacking, and I feel like I've been having to teach her how to have conversations which has been making me feel more like her parent than her partner. And this extends to meeting my friends, where it feels like she is awkward and it seems like she doesn't want to be there. Which really hurts me because I don't get to see my friends often and I get worried both that she and my friends are uncomfortable when I want to have a lovely time with them both.
And I have talked about this with her in all of this. And she always agrees to work on it and to try to get better, which is encouraging! I would break up with her if she wasn't willing to work on it, because basic communication is important. But this is where it goes back to my original query, should I really be with someone I'm trying to change? As it does make me feel more like a parent, and it also makes her feel less secure, like my love is conditional. And I know that must hurt like hell for her. But she is committed to making it work, and I see her putting in so much effort. But the work is genuinely draining and the wear on me has really started to show in the last couple of months.
jak22
6mo ago
If you both view the relationship as "the firm foundation the rest of your life is built on" and you are both committed to giving 100% to each other regardless of if it feels like you are getting 100% back (because sometimes one person's 100% only feels like 50% to the other person), then you will be fine. If that level of commitment is the thing you are hoping changes, then run away screaming.
So using your definition of a capstone marriage, that definitely isn't my view, I firmly believe that relationship should be the bedrock the rest of your life is built on. And I actually am 100% certain that she is someone who will give me 100% commitment to the relationship.
I think the issues I'm having now is more about wondering if she is someone, who at her baseline, is someone who is compatable with me. The kinds of issues we are now dealing with feel more fundamental about ourselves.
Stuff about how we communicate our feelings and issues, how we like to interact in social settings, etc.
jak22
6mo ago
So I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and I'd like some advice.
First some context.
When we first got together, we both had the classic puppy dog infatuation phase with each other. Absolutely head over heels with one another and I never wanted to stop being around her. But as time went on I discovered some pretty major red flags about her, for example she had (emphasis on the past tense here) a VERY extreme response to stress and had full meltdowns in ways that were incredibly hard for me to emotionally handle. And this led me to what I've been defining as the paradox of relationship advice, stemming from the tension of two common pieces of relationship advice:
- Don't go into a relationship trying to change someone
- You and your partner need to grow into the right people for each other.
But ultimately tl;dr. What do people think here about the paradox that I've laid out.
Bonus context: To her credit, she made real results here. She did some serious self-reflection, and we did couples counseling together and really made an improvement.
My issue now is that I'm noticing more and more deal-breaking issues that I feel like really need to be addressed, and she does keep trying to make improvements, and really does improve. But I feel stuck feeling like things still feel wrong, and I can't tell if this is due to:
- The issues are not being addressed fast enough and I'm getting impatient
- The issues are actually addressed but I'm stuck in a negative psychological pattern that is just looking for issues and reasons to break up even after the initial issues have been addressed
- We live an hour apart by train, and only see each other on weekends and dealing with these kinds of issues almost entirely over the phone has led us to have less fun interactions overall and our relationship just doesn't feel as playful as our daily phone calls almost always feel like we only talk about our issues and not having fun together.
So I think your point about making sure our love is not conditioned on them changing is salient.
I'd like to give you more details and ask for your thoughts as someone in a long, successful relationship.
One thing that matters A LOT to me is quality of conversation. To me having good conversations with people is one of the most important things in my life. With my friends, I get this a lot, partly because I have very interesting friends, but also because I only get updates from them ever week at most, meaning there is always time to develop where there is always something new and interesting to say.
However, with my girlfriend, we talk every day. Meaning our conversation often feels like a "What did you do today?" conversation, and it often feels surface level stuff. And I'm finding that trying to
Do you have any suggestions for me that I could change to make our daily calls more interesting and engaging?
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