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PaperclipPerfector  3d ago (text post)   879 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for April 8, 2026

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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Any recommendations for pre-pregnancy genetic/carrier testing?

(Fiancee was looking at Natera but pretty sketched out by lawsuits, etc. Both of us have enough Ashkenazi ancestry that we'd want to test for the common Ashkenazi recessive disorders.).

Semaglutide just went off patent in India, or well, it did about 3 weeks back. It was already quite reasonably priced at about ~100 USD a month for the 7mg oral tablets, which is steep but not out of the question for UMC Indians.

But now? You bet your ass that every local pharma company is going to be pumping it out by the shovel-load. I intend to stockpile as much of it as I can when I'm around, leaving aside the fact that it's a necessary medication for my mom. She just got her blood work back, and I was genuinely shocked by how good things looked. Triglycerides, HbA1c, LFTs, all of them looking great. Getting her on them (by sheer nagging till she saw an endo) is probably the best thing I've ever done for her.

Today in how my personal and familial slide into kind of being poor, which is abject poverty by the standards of this forum, makes me suicidal. My elderly beloved formerly expensive car, one of the last vestiges of the previous life, needs extensive costly bodyworks, with the necessity likely facilitated by my neglect. In some ways I feel my failures towards her (I'm using the ship custom here) more sharply than towards people.

I'm sorry, even the impression of downwards mobility is bad enough, even worse if that's actually true. Do you want to talk about it?

I'm honestly thankful for your reply. But I had enough wine to pass out before I could reply though lol. Also I couldn't afford talking to you, seeing how that's your profession now lol.

Buddy, I give my advice away for free. Sadly, the old saw "if you love your job, you'll never work a day in your life" isn't true for me, but I do it anyway. Don't worry about it!

I think we're all heading towards not working a day in our lives. It used to terrify me because even then we didn't have enough capital to be the ones not left behind, now it comforts me in how my failures won't really matter in a couple of decades.

I suppose there is some measure of comfort at not being alone in a (potential) permanent underclass. After all, that could still be a massive improvement in QOL for many/most people. A fully automated society would be ridiculously rich (at which point it has to decide how much of that wealth to redistribute, if any). Still, I don't let myself succumb to learned helplessness if I can help it, and I recommend you don't either. If you do need genuine psychiatric advice, you would be better off seeing someone IRL, but you should consider it anyway, if you suspect you're depressed or feeling hopeless.

Yes, objective reality or circumstances might bring you down for good reason. I've suffered from Shit Life Syndrome quite a bit myself, but treatment, while it can't directly change your life, can still give you the energy and will to try.

Here, fill this out online:

https://telemedyk.online/en/free-mental-tests/beck-depression-inventory/

If it scores highly, please seriously consider seeking the advice of a professional, fully qualified shrink. Can't force you to do it, don't want to force you to do it, but I strongly suspect it would help.

In lieu of something actually interesting (We're nearing "Three months on a bootleg Chinese GLP" and "10 months in a trucking office"; the latter has potential.), I present an update on [my bum elbow].

A month later, and four doctor's visits (one urgent care, orthopedist No. 1, CT scan, and orthopedist No. 2) later my HSA is soon to be some hundreds of dollars poorer (On that note, why does every practice seem to have its own app, and how do I even find what I owe after the insurance discount to pay it? Is someone going to mail/email me a bill at some point? I'm used to just paying urgent cares cash up front like a pleb.), my elbow thoroughly scanned and X-rayed, and the answer is about what I thought it was, something along the lines of "not great, not terrible".

"Wow, that's an ugly elbow. Can you move that thing?", the nurse for ortho No. 1 remarked upon seeing the X-ray with a tone of bemusement that I found charming. The urgent care doc had supplied a decadron shot and prescribed some variety of steroid shots for the road as expected, but referred me to his buddy at the local ortho clinic to try and get to the bottom of my elbow seemingly going on strike at random. Both ortho appointments were remarkably short and the questions remarkably repetitive, be they from the screening nurse or the doctors themselves. One wonders if anyone takes notes given how many times I had to answer "Why are you here?". "function normally limited but not intrusively bothersome, flare ups ranging from annoying to seriously intrusive and crippling, flare ups have become more frequent and severe with age". Ortho No.1 was more gung-ho about arthroscopic surgery. Ortho No. 2, apparently the "elbow guy" (Why didn't I get the elbow guy the first time?), was more conservative, advocating a "wait and watch" approach.

The verdict: Yup, the joint has lots of arthritis, the cartilage is gone, and there are some bone fragments floating around that might be catching and causing range of motion issues. Some nerve damage/muscle atrophy is visible on the left hand. That said: if it doesn't get much worse doing nothing might be the correct answer here. The bad news is that we're unlikely to achieve serious improvement with surgery (No lifting weights for you!). The good news is that it probably won't get much worse or at least won't get worse quickly and if the situation does degrade we can probably get you back to "not great, not terrible" with a scalpel.

Here's hoping this has just been an anomalously bad spring, things will stabilize, and I'll have forgotten about this by the time its solidly summer. I do know that traveling up north for Easter, driving through a big storm, and then smack into a major cold front was most likely the faux pas that provoked the latest flare up.

how do I even find what I owe after the insurance discount to pay it

In advance, you just don't. I mean, you eventually will, when the bill comes, but before that, it looks like our civilization is not advanced enough to find an answer to this question. That's one of the infuriating things in in US medical system - everything is set up to make it nearly impossible to state the cost upfront, or at least everybody involved in the system has been telling me so for years. Of course, this has a great benefit (for the providers involved) of precluding any price comparisons.

Is someone going to mail/email me a bill at some point?

Yes, sometimes several bills, because why make it easy for you, what you are going to do, not use medical services? And yes, those several bills may be from several billing systems, each set up differently, and not talking to each other. Some don't even have online payment options. A lot of medical billing is surprisingly low-tech still.

One wonders if anyone takes notes given how many times I had to answer "Why are you here?".

Weird thing they actually do - at least the system I'm with now, you can see the visit notes afterwards, and they actually record pretty much everything. Whether or not anybody reads it afterwards is an entirely different question.

Sorry about your elbow.

In advance, you just don't. I mean, you eventually will, when the bill comes, but before that, it looks like our civilization is not advanced enough to find an answer to this question. That's one of the infuriating things in in US medical system - everything is set up to make it nearly impossible to state the cost upfront, or at least everybody involved in the system has been telling me so for years. Of course, this has a great benefit (for the providers involved) of precluding any price comparisons.

I suppose I should just say it. I know you implied it, but someone should just say it directly. This thing that everybody involved in the system has been telling us for years... that the system is not advanced enough to find an answer to this question... is a lie. The people involved have the numbers that are required. They can just give those numbers to patients. When this is pointed out, they will lie and misdirect and do everything they can to throw up fake and imagined roadblocks to this very simple reality, to the point of playing dumb/lying about whether they are even capable of identifying the names of the numbers in question. It is the great shame of the medical industry that they have harmed so many patients by their addiction to price opacity. I've pointed before at pieces like this where they talk of patients making choices to not get care because of price opacity or situations where because talking about prices is verboten, the doctor might prescribe an expensive drug that the patient won't buy, but could have prescribed a cheaper, almost as good, drug that the patient could actually afford and would buy. I don't know how one would even estimate the number of times that people simply suffer through problems rather than seek medical help because of price opacity. They feel like if they even consider seeking medical help, they will never have any further chance to consider the cost involved. The perception is that if they do it, they're basically spinning the roulette wheel and then will learn after the fact, after services have been rendered, whether they will owe $10 or $10k. It's unsurprising that many reasonable decisionmaking-under-uncertainty-and-budget-constraint algorithms just opt out of that game of roulette.

The people involved have the numbers that are required. They can just give those numbers to patients

Yeah I know, I was being sarcastic of course. They can do it upfront. They just refuse to do it because it's more convenient for them. And more profitable.

Yes, sometimes several bills, because why make it easy for you, what you are going to do, not use medical services? And yes, those several bills may be from several billing systems, each set up differently, and not talking to each other. Some don't even have online payment options. A lot of medical billing is surprisingly low-tech still.

While this is annoying it's actually better than the alternatively, usually when you get separate bills it mean you are getting one from the physician, the health system, and the lab or something else similar to that.

Why not consolidate?

Well some places do and then you have a monopoly with resulting problems.

Separate bills means separate entities which slightly keeps what little of free market economics you can get in healthcare.

So I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and I'd like some advice.

First some context.

When we first got together, we both had the classic puppy dog infatuation phase with each other. Absolutely head over heels with one another and I never wanted to stop being around her. But as time went on I discovered some pretty major red flags about her, for example she had (emphasis on the past tense here) a VERY extreme response to stress and had full meltdowns in ways that were incredibly hard for me to emotionally handle. And this led me to what I've been defining as the paradox of relationship advice, stemming from the tension of two common pieces of relationship advice:

  1. Don't go into a relationship trying to change someone
  2. You and your partner need to grow into the right people for each other.

But ultimately tl;dr. What do people think here about the paradox that I've laid out.

Bonus context: To her credit, she made real results here. She did some serious self-reflection, and we did couples counseling together and really made an improvement.

My issue now is that I'm noticing more and more deal-breaking issues that I feel like really need to be addressed, and she does keep trying to make improvements, and really does improve. But I feel stuck feeling like things still feel wrong, and I can't tell if this is due to:

  1. The issues are not being addressed fast enough and I'm getting impatient
  2. The issues are actually addressed but I'm stuck in a negative psychological pattern that is just looking for issues and reasons to break up even after the initial issues have been addressed
  3. We live an hour apart by train, and only see each other on weekends and dealing with these kinds of issues almost entirely over the phone has led us to have less fun interactions overall and our relationship just doesn't feel as playful as our daily phone calls almost always feel like we only talk about our issues and not having fun together.

Do you hope to have kids? Does she?

Her having "meltdowns" under stress is concerning. Not just whatever's happening to her, but also as mentioned elsewhere, that you're calling it that. If you stick with her, and have a baby together, and she gets postpartum depression, and you have to be up every couple of hours bottle feeding the baby because she can't manage... will you be alright?

It's concerning that after two years neither of you is willing to move closer to the other.

Friend, if you work from home and could move anywhere, yet have chosen to live an hour away from your girlfriend because you "like the walkability," I think you know deep down that this is not the one for you.

It doesn't sound as though you actually like this woman much. Downthread you say you enjoyed dating her because you felt you could be yourself, act silly and childish, without her judging you as previous girlfriends had done - that is, you felt bad about yourself, and chose not someone you admired, but someone who you perceived as safe and at or below your level.

You go on to criticize her "meltdowns," which is a noticeably infantilizing and contemptuous way to think about a grown-up woman's having anxiety about legitimate grown-up issues like immigration. (It's fair to think her anxiety is disproportionate, even pathological, or to ask her to work on better coping skills for the sake of your relationship, but dude, she is not a toddler and does not have meltdowns, have some respect.) You say you are ashamed of her in front of your friends. You say you are bored by her conversation. You make plans about how she can improve herself to be more worthy of you, then you get mad that she's not changing fast enough. You speculate that maybe you'd enjoy her more if you saw her more than once a week, but then again you don't feel like moving.

I feel kind of terrible for this poor girl, but it sounds as though the relationship is also blocking you from bringing your own best self to the table. I'd say break up and find someone who feels aspirational to you, not like you're stooping.

Bail. Can't handle stress well / you can't handle the way she handles stress well, is a recipe for disaster in a lifelong commitment. It will explode on you.

Second, I think the most basic rule of thumb should be if you need counciling while you're still dating, break up. You should have a relatively low 'fix it' tolerance while you're just dating something. That shit is for after the lifelong commitment has been made.

If you tough it out, you will spend the rest of your life resenting the possibility that there might have been someone out there who you would have fit like a glove with, and all those couples around that do have that.

Onto the paradox - #2 is stuff and nonsense. Yes you both need to grow; but not grow into a fit for eachother. You need to start as a fit and grow from there.

Don't go into a relationship trying to change someone

You and your partner need to grow into the right people for each other.

First bullet says don't try change the other person, the second bullet says try to change yourself. A characteristic of someone is their willingness or desire to change in order to help their relationship with you; this is something you shouldn't go into a relationship expecting to change about them. They either will or won't change themselves to help the relationship they have with you, and your efforts to influence that will have minimal effect at best. So find someone who is willing to change for you (rather than someone you find attractive that you believe you can change into the kind of person who would change for you) and change yourself to help your relationship with them. This doesn't seem paradoxical.

My answer to your paradox is that claim #2 is false, thus there is no paradox. I also suspect that it's different people giving advice #1 and 2, which again means there really isn't a paradox.

I think that point #1 is completely correct. You can't go into a relationship expecting you will change that person. My wife (11 years after we met) is still very much the same person she always was. Her flaws are something she works on, but they are still there and most likely always will be. Committing to someone, then, cannot come with the expectation of "that drives me crazy but it'll change". You must be willing to accept the person as she is, not as you hope she will become.

To the extent that two people "grow into" each other, it's not because a person changes his flaws for his spouse. It's because as you share a life, you build on the foundation you have in common, and as you do those things are shared, until most of your self is the history you have built up with this person over the years and you can't imagine yourselves apart. But I don't think that means that you can expect that each of you will be able to set aside your deep flaws (which we all have) out of love for the other person. You can mitigate those things out of love, certainly. But they won't disappear.

On your questions about your situation, it's hard to get a good read without knowing you more. But it sounds like you are focusing a bit too much on the negatives. It is hard to strike a balance between ignoring all the red flags and being overly critical, but it sounds to me like right now you're a touch on the latter side. I also don't think that being apart and spending all your time dealing with these issues is helping. Perhaps that can't be helped in your respective circumstances right now, but I suggest trying to consciously focus on having good times for a little while. It's important to discuss serious things, but it's important to take breaks from that and work on being in love. If you guys do marry, you'll find that even in marriage you'll have seasons when you are both busy and stressed out with life and need to make a conscious effort to reconnect. Best to start developing that skill now.

Lastly, don't be too worried about what you think your relationship should be like. You guys aren't in trouble because you're having a rough go of it lately, that happens to everyone. When my wife and I got married, we didn't go through a "honeymoon" phase where everything was sunshine and rainbows. On the contrary, we fought a lot when we first got married, almost from the time we got back from our honeymoon. At the time I worried about what that meant, and if we were doing something wrong in our marriage. But looking back now I see that it was just a season, that we had lots of lovey dovey time before we got married and had more after that season was over, and that we were doing just fine. There isn't a benchmark you have to meet for how easy or hard your relationship is at the moment, just take the seasons as they come and work through them as best you can.

I think those are good things to think about, but it’s genuinely hard to give advice when all we know is generalities.

I don’t know what you mean by “meltdowns”, but sometimes people do have an extreme reaction to stress. How much of a dealbreaker that is depends on how serious the stress was — if your young child is brutally murdered and you writhe in fits of anguish, I don’t know that many people are going to say that’s unexpected. It depends on what the stress was, what the meltdown was, and exactly how that interfaces with your own emotional resilience. That was probably the topic of the couples’ counseling.

It’s highly common for men dating women to struggle with her emotional reactions to stress, because the way women deal with and externalize stress is just different from the way men tend to (but not always). Keeping up with the basics like engaging in active listening, supportive communication, and distinguishing venting from solutions-focused conversation is good. But you have to couple that with a sense of internal stability: often what women want from their man in an emotional crisis is a feeling of protection, reassurance, stability, and steadfastness. And knowing how to respectfully listen while guiding her away from the feeling of stress and towards that feeling of protection and reassurance is a very helpful relationship skill. You have to lead and stabilize without being domineering.

What does stand out to me in your description is that you live separately, and in fact an hour away — LDRs are always, always hard. It’s especially hard when you’re dealing with emotional struggles, because one of the selling points of a relationship is that they’re a person who provides physical affection when you’re struggling.

We talk about women getting physical affection from their girlfriends, but it is extremely common, almost ubiquitous, for women to find being held and embraced by their man extremely calming and protective in a special way, for reasons we could write evopsych stories about until the cows come home. What I’ve found in relationships is that talking helps, but only to a point, and often finding a way to laugh, a distraction, a comforting presence, is more helpful to a partner in distress. So the struggle with your LDR may be that the most helpful element of a relationship is denied you most of the time, and that degrades things over time. Relationships are fundamentally about physical touch.

Do you video chat frequently? Sometimes just seeing your beau’s face, their smile, their eyes, can help you feel more connected. If you’re both part of the blue bubble master race, you can use SharePlay to do things like watch YouTube or short videos together, which might give you an opportunity to laugh together. That’s powerful.

But the most important thing you can do is work to make this LDR into a short-distance relationship. Getting yourselves closer together in whatever way you can is extremely important. A relationship where you can just be together, casually, without counting the minutes, is a massive quality of life increase.

Another thing that I see is that you talked only in generalities about your connection, your intimacy — what brought you two together? What drew you to her? What kinds of things do you do, when you’re in that fun and playful mood? When you’re together, what makes you inseparable? Being able to understand what you like about the relationship, and what’s unique about your bond compared to other bonds you’ve had, is absolutely essential to answering the question about whether you want to move forward with the relationship or not.

I hope this helps.

First, thank you for the thoughtful response, I really appreciate it :)

First, on the topic of meltdowns. At the beginning they were primarily about her visa status, she is in the US from Canada on a work visa, and when I met her she had a few months to get a job or she would be overstaying her visa. And given we met each other and fell for each other pretty instantly, that meant the penalty for both of us if that happened would be losing this great relationship we just started. So at the start I gave her a lot of slack at the start. But she eventually did find a job (As expected, she is basically a genius and had a killer resume), but where it started getting taxing was she continued to be terrified of then losing her job. and it felt like every week I had to calm her down about her getting deported, and this kind of reaction was eventually the meltdowns that had us want to go to couples counseling, and she did get a lot better coping mechanisms and ways of thinking about it.

On LDR. This has been something I've been feeling more and more, both for the calming element you are bringing up to being playful. I feel like our playful and fun sides are way more apparent to each other when we are together in person, and I'd say the last mew months has been sorely lacking in the fun department as we've been dealing with some other emotional / connection issues recently that I do think would be much better if we lived together. But one of the big problems for me here is that I don't want to leave the city (SF). I really love the car-free lifestyle and its really hard to give that up. And she works out in the burbs and that is what keeps her in that area. I WFH so practically if either of us was to move it would be me, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to give up the lifestyle I want when we have these other issues we are dealing with and I'm unsure about us. Although I often wonder if this is a big chicken and egg problem to some degree, "I don't want to move in because we have relationship problems, but we have relationship problems because we haven't moved in".

On our connection.

what brought you two together? First... we were both really physically attracted to each other. Second, was the feeling that I could always be an authentic version of myself around her. I could be silly and she would be silly back and I felt like I could express all my thoughts and beliefs and she never judged me for them like I was in previous relationships. As a result our relationship was very silly and playful. I'd tag her and run away. We'd dance in the street like no one was watching. I would pick her up and spin her around and we'd giggle like children.

And we still do those things, but our relationship simply feels a lot less secure and we both know it. So those moments don't feel as joyful as they once did. She knows I've been having a lot of second thoughts and I am increasingly worried that this isn't working out. But I then second guess my own judgement, is this still a chicken and egg problem? Are we not working because we haven't moved in and made that commitment? Or are we not moving in and making a commitment because we aren't working out?

And there is one part of me that thinks breaking up is the right move. That I'm not happy, and I no longer feel like my needs are being met and I feel myself disconnecting**. But the other part of me remembers how happy we were in the beginning, and how right everything felt and I wonder if maybe the problem is me not being willing to commit?

**I've definitely been starting to feel neglected in some regards. The main one is her overall lack of social graces. She is someone who grew up in a family where people never really asked each other questions, and then in college she studied pure math with the autistic geniusestm who simply info dumped and never asked questions. And its becoming more and more clear that her ability to have a smooth conversation is just lacking, and I feel like I've been having to teach her how to have conversations which has been making me feel more like her parent than her partner. And this extends to meeting my friends, where it feels like she is awkward and it seems like she doesn't want to be there. Which really hurts me because I don't get to see my friends often and I get worried both that she and my friends are uncomfortable when I want to have a lovely time with them both.

And I have talked about this with her in all of this. And she always agrees to work on it and to try to get better, which is encouraging! I would break up with her if she wasn't willing to work on it, because basic communication is important. But this is where it goes back to my original query, should I really be with someone I'm trying to change? As it does make me feel more like a parent, and it also makes her feel less secure, like my love is conditional. And I know that must hurt like hell for her. But she is committed to making it work, and I see her putting in so much effort. But the work is genuinely draining and the wear on me has really started to show in the last couple of months.

But this is where it goes back to my original query, should I really be with someone I'm trying to change?

The "don't try to change your partner" advice is more about not making your love conditional upon them changing, than it is about not encouraging them to improve. If you guys marry, it will be your duty to try to point out when she has serious deficiencies, and to try to help her work on those things. But you need to be willing to accept the fact that she may not change, and love her regardless.

So I think your point about making sure our love is not conditioned on them changing is salient.

I'd like to give you more details and ask for your thoughts as someone in a long, successful relationship.

One thing that matters A LOT to me is quality of conversation. To me having good conversations with people is one of the most important things in my life. With my friends, I get this a lot, partly because I have very interesting friends, but also because I only get updates from them ever week at most, meaning there is always time to develop where there is always something new and interesting to say.

However, with my girlfriend, we talk every day. Meaning our conversation often feels like a "What did you do today?" conversation, and it often feels surface level stuff. And I'm finding that trying to

Do you have any suggestions for me that I could change to make our daily calls more interesting and engaging?

My parents have been married for over 40 years. They meant in Dostoyevsky as Philosophy class, talked about their favorite philosophy professor all through my childhood, and have joined book clubs together. Every time I call my mom, she talks about some book they're reading for their club, and how they're proposing books and voting on them with their club mates. This is very sustainable!

My husband and I like talking about new places we visit, new restaurants, new experiences. This is a bit rough right now, with three young children, but still a large part of our lives. We had a day off last week, and found some new places that surprised us in a town we'd already been to many times. This is also fairly sustainable.

You and your girlfriend probably need to do actual things together, even if it's just attending an in person book club and bringing your physical books, and talking about your search through the local used bookstore to find copies or something.

There's nothing you can do imo. When you talk every day, some conversations are going to be pretty uninteresting. And that's perfectly ok! My wife and I don't have deep, interesting conversations every day or even every week, but that's just a normal part of having a relationship that close.

However, with my girlfriend, we talk every day. Meaning our conversation often feels like a "What did you do today?" conversation, and it often feels surface level stuff. And I'm finding that trying to

Do you have any suggestions for me that I could change to make our daily calls more interesting and engaging?

I am midst a similar situation as you, finding such things trying as well, and my strategy has been to change myself to stop caring about how interesting I find such calls. I've learned to simply see it as just another one of the many boring, rote work that goes into making a relationship work. The way I see it, just like how having sex whether or not you're, in the moment, enthusiastic about it, is one of the duties of being a good romantic partner, so too is having conversations whether or not you're, in the moment, enthusiastic about it.

The capstone marriage vs. the cornerstone marriage, as I have heard it. Do you only get into relationships as a reward for putting in the hard work of becoming a person worthy of a relationship, or is the relationship the firm foundation the rest of your life is built on?

If you both view the relationship as "the firm foundation the rest of your life is built on" and you are both committed to giving 100% to each other regardless of if it feels like you are getting 100% back (because sometimes one person's 100% only feels like 50% to the other person), then you will be fine. If that level of commitment is the thing you are hoping changes, then run away screaming.

If you both view the relationship as "the firm foundation the rest of your life is built on" and you are both committed to giving 100% to each other regardless of if it feels like you are getting 100% back (because sometimes one person's 100% only feels like 50% to the other person), then you will be fine. If that level of commitment is the thing you are hoping changes, then run away screaming.

So using your definition of a capstone marriage, that definitely isn't my view, I firmly believe that relationship should be the bedrock the rest of your life is built on. And I actually am 100% certain that she is someone who will give me 100% commitment to the relationship.

I think the issues I'm having now is more about wondering if she is someone, who at her baseline, is someone who is compatable with me. The kinds of issues we are now dealing with feel more fundamental about ourselves.

Stuff about how we communicate our feelings and issues, how we like to interact in social settings, etc.

how we like to interact in social settings

I think this is something where it is good to have differences. One partner more gregarious, one partner more reserved. The reserved partner makes sure the gregarious partner gets rest and gives them an excuse to bow out of social gatherings. The gregarious partner makes sure the reserved partner gets to escape their own head from time to time.

How men and women communicate will always be different. The question isn't if you can learn to communicate the same way. The question is can you learn how to understand and respect each other even when you communicate your feelings differently.

But of course, I'm just a stranger on the internet spitballing based on key phrases you throw my way. I don't really know what you and your partner are like. My sole credentials are that I'm happily married after ten years and four kids, and my parents were miserably married and I got to see that up front and personal because my mom saw me as her confidante.

my parents were miserably married and I got to see that up front and personal because my mom saw me as her confidante.

That's tough. I'm sorry to hear that. I've had the same thing with my parents a bit, and have had to gently remind them that I (as a very not neutral party) can't really be there for them as a shoulder to cry on when they have issues with each other.

I was around five years old when my mom first told me, "I love your father, I just don't like him very much." I wasn't really great at setting firm boundaries at the time.

Yeah, that's fair. Fortunately, when my parents tried to talk to me about their marriage woes I was in my twenties so I had more ability to push back. I sympathize that you had to deal with that from a young age; I know it couldn't have been easy.

I'm getting married this week. I am getting more and more nervous as the date arrives, but I don't have any doubt that she's the right person. We started dating in college and have been together ever since. I feel very lucky that we got to grow up together, instead of meeting later in our lives.

I don't post that often so you probably won't know me, but I've been reading every week and posting intermittently since the move to /r/themotte in 2019. I'm incredibly grateful to this place for being what it is, and to the people here who keep it active and interesting. I wanted to share with everyone since I'm usually very private, but I also would welcome any advice you have for the transition to married life, or more generally for staying happy together for the rest of our lives.

I like the saying: in marriage you should be aiming for a 60/40% effort split with both parties trying to be the 60%.

Very good advice :)

Congratulations, wishing you and your wife the best.

I've been together with the missus for a little over a decade, been married for about half of that time. Every relationship is different, but I think Tolstoy stated it best... "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Having grown older and becoming more attuned to friends and extended family around me, that sentence sums it up very well. Find what happy families have in common, and the rest will follow.

Along those lines, I read some headline a few months ago from some study suggesting that a strong indicator of relationship success is having a minimum of six positive interactions for every one negative interaction. It stuck with me because it was so very practical. Is it possible to improve your relationship by simply reducing the amount of friction between each other?

Thank you! That metric is interesting, and I can believe it. In my experience there has never been a drawback to showing affection or saying I love you.

Congratulations!

The advice that I always give people is that most of marriage is actually "roommate stuff." Be a good roommate, help with the dishes or laundry or whatever, keep your spouse informed of what your plans are and a lot of the other stuff will go smoothly.

I guess the other thing I would say is don't hedge, go all-in - be honest, invite honesty, be a good listener and understand that sometimes you will do best not to take things personally. And don't underestimate the value of physical intimacy as something that will keep a marriage sustained. Genuinely put the other party first, not because you are a doormat (and you may need to hold them accountable because you are seeking their good) but because you love them and want what is best for them.

I've been married for about a decade and I've been very happy. My wife and I have stuck to the above and neither of us have "felt" any sort of post-honeymoon come down. If anything we've grown and gotten better as a team. And I think you can do the same.

God bless!

That is great advice, thank you. We have been together a long time and like to say we're still in the honeymoon phase. I hope ours lasts as long as yours does.

I guess the one other thing I would say is that life can be hard and just because life can be hard when you are married doesn't mean you've screwed up your marriage or something, or that things will be that way forever. It sounds like you've found a great woman and you know it, and you're committed to her, so I'm confident that you will do what it takes. The fact that you both still feel that way is a great sign. I'm sure that in ten years you'll love her just as much (and probably appreciate her more).

The advice that I always give people is that most of marriage is actually "roommate stuff".

People claiming that friendship and romance are qualitatively (not just quantitatively) different in shambles.

Ha! I would not say that there's not a qualitative difference but I think being spouses is much easier if you are also friends.

Congrats! We are getting married in October so no advice yet, other than I have also had nerves. I know how it goes. Most people say it's quite normal, especially if you're somewhat anxious.

Thank you! I hope yours goes great as well.

It's totally normal. I'm not an anxious person at all but nature, but I was a nervous wreck on my wedding day. I joked to my groomsmen that I was going to hop out the window and flee, to which my brother said "You've come too far for that. Our job as your groomsmen at this point is to save you from yourself if needed." Thankfully I listened to him and calmed down, but I was pretty scared from the sheer weight of the day.

I don't think I ever "transitioned to married life". When it became clear to myself and my (then future) wife, over 20 years ago by now, that we want to continue living together, we made all the necessary formalities and continued the living together. There wasn't any "transition" as such - it's just life, only our commitment to each other became explicit and legally recognized.

Oh, and of course - Congratulations!

Thank you! That sounds a lot like our current situation. I'm not sure if it will feel any different after getting married, but I think I'll be more than happy if things stay the same.

It does feel differently - which was a surprise to me since we both aren't big on official ceremonies and legal formalities - but not in a way that can be properly described as "transition to married life". More like "yeah, this feels comfortable, I could do that for a while". The life itself did not change, but something that the young me did not understand and the not so young me understands now is that proper rituals do have its value. Despite what a lot of people think humanity wasn't stupid when it invented them.

We're so back The accelerator program is coming to a close. I feel really confident about the startup raising money and succeeding. We work in a medical space, and so far we've saved two people's lives. Even after dividing credit a few ways, I think that outweighs all my petty sins so far. I feel like I showed up to San Fransisco as a level 5 guy in a level 40 dungeon. Every day was harder than it should have been, but the end result was leveling up stupid fast. I've grown up in good ways, and am a lot better at my job and responsibility in general. We're all gonna make it motte bros.

It's so over Holy shit I am so burnt out. All I've been doing is some form of work for the past few months. I have basically no social contact outside my business partners, and they just want to work 24/7. The personal confidence and feelings of being OK I got from the gym has evaporated as my attendance and diet have fallen apart. I'm losing weight and feeling vaguely sick all the time. I had a goal to at least get through all this without using stimulants, but I cracked the first time someone offered them to me while I was dealing with outtages. I just want this to be over and go home.

Congrats!

Eat more though! And don't skimp on recovery time once this stretch is done!

For the swing dancers on the forum. How can you dance/do swing outs for a long time without getting exhausted? Cardio shouldn't be an issue: I'm a fit runner/triathlete, I'm thinking it's a skill issue.

In addition to frame tension, where is the center of gravity of the two-dancer system as you bring your follow around yourself and back out? A good swing-out shouldn't need that much additional energy each time around once you've got the rhythm going.

Probably a skill issue. Ideally you just learn to move more loosely over time with the dance. For me the more nervous/tense I hold my frame the more exhausted I get.

Alcohol also can help, if that's your thing.

Update from my health worries last week.

Played a full 90 minute game of soccer. Been a while since I put myself through this sort of cardio. A bunch of new muscles are hurting. Feels good.
Did a couple of v3 boulders at the climbing gym this weekend. Not my best performance, but first time I've gone climbing this year. So that's good.

Been good about my diet, but I did devour an unnecessary slice of pecan pie due to 3am cravings.
I'll forgive myself for it. Going to skip lunch today to compensate.

New year's resolutions check-in:

  • Went to the gym three times last week, although I was getting over a cold so I only did cardio on two of those. Went again this evening, but was feeling a bit run down so only imagined deadlifting and some treadmill. Can deadlift 1.8x my bodyweight for 3 reps, squat 1.1x for 7 reps and bench press .85x for 6 reps.
  • Have not consumed any pornography since waking up on January 1st.

How goes it, @thejdizzler, @birb_cromble, @falling-star, @Tollund_Man4 and @self_made_human?

Still off the nicotine. I don't really feel cravings anymore and my sleep is still improving.

I drank a lot this week. Saturday was the final night of the restaurant I was working in so we all went out to celebrate losing our jobs. Second time was the beginning heatwave in southwestern France so it was a good excuse for everyone to meet up and we ended up drinking Ricard. It was a lot of fun to be fair but I did waste 2 days being hungover. I started a new job yesterday so that should keep me more disciplined.

  1. Work: Lab meeting today. Working on only three things at a time which seems to be helping with the overwhelm.
  2. Fitness: 10.5 hours with a 23 mile run. Amazing repeat of the 40 min tempo (5:36 pace this time). Cooler temps and fueling helped loads.
  3. Intellectual Stuff: Knocked out a lot of books last week, but need to get back to substack writing!
  4. Finances: Put most of my parents money into 4% CDs. Maybe a conservative move, but I just don't know with all the geopolitical uncertainty. Spending is on track for this month so far.
  5. Dating. Porn free all week. Think my friend Bella may be interested in me, but I'm not sure about her because she's a Sanderson fan and that gives me the ick.
  6. Tarot no session.
  7. Socializing: Swing dancing and two brewery hangouts.
  8. Screen time: 1.2 hours again.
  9. Mental health: anxiety is 100% hunger related as eating more fixed it.

Sanderson has some good stuff though the quality has gone down lately. Just started his part of the WOT saga and like it so far. I have a couple friend's wives who read some Sanderson and are what I consider high-quality people.

I did hit the gym once, in the past week, so that meets the bare minimum obligation. I wish it had been twice, and I intend to go tomorrow.

I'm still recovering from the dental work, both physically and financially. Holiday family visits with $4/gallon gas didn't help either.

Spending is $331.51 higher than last year. Still working to get it down.

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A motte is a stone keep on a raised earthwork common in early medieval fortifications. More pertinently, it's an element in a rhetorical move called a "Motte-and-Bailey", originally identified by philosopher Nicholas Shackel. It describes the tendency in discourse for people to move from a controversial but high value claim to a defensible but less exciting one upon any resistance to the former. He likens this to the medieval fortification, where a desirable land (the bailey) is abandoned when in danger for the more easily defended motte. In Shackel's words, "The Motte represents the defensible but undesired propositions to which one retreats when hard pressed."

On The Motte, always attempt to remain inside your defensible territory, even if you are not being pressed.


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