The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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So I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and I'd like some advice.
First some context.
When we first got together, we both had the classic puppy dog infatuation phase with each other. Absolutely head over heels with one another and I never wanted to stop being around her. But as time went on I discovered some pretty major red flags about her, for example she had (emphasis on the past tense here) a VERY extreme response to stress and had full meltdowns in ways that were incredibly hard for me to emotionally handle. And this led me to what I've been defining as the paradox of relationship advice, stemming from the tension of two common pieces of relationship advice:
But ultimately tl;dr. What do people think here about the paradox that I've laid out.
Bonus context: To her credit, she made real results here. She did some serious self-reflection, and we did couples counseling together and really made an improvement.
My issue now is that I'm noticing more and more deal-breaking issues that I feel like really need to be addressed, and she does keep trying to make improvements, and really does improve. But I feel stuck feeling like things still feel wrong, and I can't tell if this is due to:
My answer to your paradox is that claim #2 is false, thus there is no paradox. I also suspect that it's different people giving advice #1 and 2, which again means there really isn't a paradox.
I think that point #1 is completely correct. You can't go into a relationship expecting you will change that person. My wife (11 years after we met) is still very much the same person she always was. Her flaws are something she works on, but they are still there and most likely always will be. Committing to someone, then, cannot come with the expectation of "that drives me crazy but it'll change". You must be willing to accept the person as she is, not as you hope she will become.
To the extent that two people "grow into" each other, it's not because a person changes his flaws for his spouse. It's because as you share a life, you build on the foundation you have in common, and as you do those things are shared, until most of your self is the history you have built up with this person over the years and you can't imagine yourselves apart. But I don't think that means that you can expect that each of you will be able to set aside your deep flaws (which we all have) out of love for the other person. You can mitigate those things out of love, certainly. But they won't disappear.
On your questions about your situation, it's hard to get a good read without knowing you more. But it sounds like you are focusing a bit too much on the negatives. It is hard to strike a balance between ignoring all the red flags and being overly critical, but it sounds to me like right now you're a touch on the latter side. I also don't think that being apart and spending all your time dealing with these issues is helping. Perhaps that can't be helped in your respective circumstances right now, but I suggest trying to consciously focus on having good times for a little while. It's important to discuss serious things, but it's important to take breaks from that and work on being in love. If you guys do marry, you'll find that even in marriage you'll have seasons when you are both busy and stressed out with life and need to make a conscious effort to reconnect. Best to start developing that skill now.
Lastly, don't be too worried about what you think your relationship should be like. You guys aren't in trouble because you're having a rough go of it lately, that happens to everyone. When my wife and I got married, we didn't go through a "honeymoon" phase where everything was sunshine and rainbows. On the contrary, we fought a lot when we first got married, almost from the time we got back from our honeymoon. At the time I worried about what that meant, and if we were doing something wrong in our marriage. But looking back now I see that it was just a season, that we had lots of lovey dovey time before we got married and had more after that season was over, and that we were doing just fine. There isn't a benchmark you have to meet for how easy or hard your relationship is at the moment, just take the seasons as they come and work through them as best you can.
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