The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
I'm getting married this week. I am getting more and more nervous as the date arrives, but I don't have any doubt that she's the right person. We started dating in college and have been together ever since. I feel very lucky that we got to grow up together, instead of meeting later in our lives.
I don't post that often so you probably won't know me, but I've been reading every week and posting intermittently since the move to /r/themotte in 2019. I'm incredibly grateful to this place for being what it is, and to the people here who keep it active and interesting. I wanted to share with everyone since I'm usually very private, but I also would welcome any advice you have for the transition to married life, or more generally for staying happy together for the rest of our lives.
I like the saying: in marriage you should be aiming for a 60/40% effort split with both parties trying to be the 60%.
Very good advice :)
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Congratulations, wishing you and your wife the best.
I've been together with the missus for a little over a decade, been married for about half of that time. Every relationship is different, but I think Tolstoy stated it best... "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Having grown older and becoming more attuned to friends and extended family around me, that sentence sums it up very well. Find what happy families have in common, and the rest will follow.
Along those lines, I read some headline a few months ago from some study suggesting that a strong indicator of relationship success is having a minimum of six positive interactions for every one negative interaction. It stuck with me because it was so very practical. Is it possible to improve your relationship by simply reducing the amount of friction between each other?
Thank you! That metric is interesting, and I can believe it. In my experience there has never been a drawback to showing affection or saying I love you.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Congratulations!
The advice that I always give people is that most of marriage is actually "roommate stuff." Be a good roommate, help with the dishes or laundry or whatever, keep your spouse informed of what your plans are and a lot of the other stuff will go smoothly.
I guess the other thing I would say is don't hedge, go all-in - be honest, invite honesty, be a good listener and understand that sometimes you will do best not to take things personally. And don't underestimate the value of physical intimacy as something that will keep a marriage sustained. Genuinely put the other party first, not because you are a doormat (and you may need to hold them accountable because you are seeking their good) but because you love them and want what is best for them.
I've been married for about a decade and I've been very happy. My wife and I have stuck to the above and neither of us have "felt" any sort of post-honeymoon come down. If anything we've grown and gotten better as a team. And I think you can do the same.
God bless!
That is great advice, thank you. We have been together a long time and like to say we're still in the honeymoon phase. I hope ours lasts as long as yours does.
I guess the one other thing I would say is that life can be hard and just because life can be hard when you are married doesn't mean you've screwed up your marriage or something, or that things will be that way forever. It sounds like you've found a great woman and you know it, and you're committed to her, so I'm confident that you will do what it takes. The fact that you both still feel that way is a great sign. I'm sure that in ten years you'll love her just as much (and probably appreciate her more).
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
People claiming that friendship and romance are qualitatively (not just quantitatively) different in shambles.
Ha! I would not say that there's not a qualitative difference but I think being spouses is much easier if you are also friends.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Congrats! We are getting married in October so no advice yet, other than I have also had nerves. I know how it goes. Most people say it's quite normal, especially if you're somewhat anxious.
Thank you! I hope yours goes great as well.
More options
Context Copy link
It's totally normal. I'm not an anxious person at all but nature, but I was a nervous wreck on my wedding day. I joked to my groomsmen that I was going to hop out the window and flee, to which my brother said "You've come too far for that. Our job as your groomsmen at this point is to save you from yourself if needed." Thankfully I listened to him and calmed down, but I was pretty scared from the sheer weight of the day.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
I don't think I ever "transitioned to married life". When it became clear to myself and my (then future) wife, over 20 years ago by now, that we want to continue living together, we made all the necessary formalities and continued the living together. There wasn't any "transition" as such - it's just life, only our commitment to each other became explicit and legally recognized.
Oh, and of course - Congratulations!
Thank you! That sounds a lot like our current situation. I'm not sure if it will feel any different after getting married, but I think I'll be more than happy if things stay the same.
It does feel differently - which was a surprise to me since we both aren't big on official ceremonies and legal formalities - but not in a way that can be properly described as "transition to married life". More like "yeah, this feels comfortable, I could do that for a while". The life itself did not change, but something that the young me did not understand and the not so young me understands now is that proper rituals do have its value. Despite what a lot of people think humanity wasn't stupid when it invented them.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link