The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
Oxytocin: Not Even Once!
I’m looking at breaking up with my girlfriend of 4 years and I could use a sanity check. Apologies for the length and I’ll try to keep it down, but I need to explain how the situation I now find myself in developed.
I’d normally run this kind of thing by a close friend, but because of where I live I’m kind of away from my support network, I don’t really have anyone close I’d trust to give good nuanced advice, and I feel like a bit of fool for reasons that should become apparent.
So I moved to a new city as a single man about 5 years ago for a job. I first stayed at airbnb’s, but eventually moved into a shared apartment where I met my now partner. She held the lease and interviewed me for the room. Me, her and another housemate became friends and she spent a fair bit of time introducing the city to me.
We were pretty open about the people we were dating. I wasn’t really attracted to her so it was pretty easy to keep her as a good friend. After a year or so during a dry patch I floated the idea of becoming ‘friends with benefits’ while we weren’t involved in serious relationships. I wasn’t that attracted to her, but I had needs so I’d rather look after that with someone I trusted. She rejected the idea and I didn’t push the issue. We moved on.
I eventually moved to another apartment to live alone, but we remained friends. She would occasionally come over to watch a movie or have a coffee and catch up, or we would go out somewhere or catch up with mutual friends.
Then COVID happened. We were living in a heavily locked down city, but there were allowances for single friends to visit other friends. She would spend a fair bit of time at my apartment as we’d become close friends by this time. This continued for months and then one day through the magic of alcohol we hooked up and she slept over. By the time COVID finished we were practically boyfriend/girlfriend, but we never defined things. At the time I still wanted to keep things casual because I knew I wasn’t really attracted to her even though we had pretty good compatibility in terms of personalities.
Due to inertia and I guess laziness I let the situation continue and found that I didn’t really have the motivation to date other people. Eventually we decided to move in together even though I stressed we might break up or date other people. She was fine with this and wanted to do it for practical and cost saving purposes.
So now its about 4 years since we first hooked up and we’re living together out in the suburbs. We’ve had talks about where we are going and even (minor) breakups over the years. I still have the feeling I’m not really attracted to her and we haven’t had sex in over a year. I kind of don’t want to not just because of the attraction, but that I already feel pair bonded and don’t want to make things worse. The feeling of pair bonding is what I’m struggling with. I genuinely don’t won’t to lose this girl from my life. I love her in a way, but I can’t get over the fact I’m not physically attracted to her.
There are other incompatibility issues largely due to it being and inter-racial relationship. She’s from a SE Asian nation, but is educated (Masters) and proficient in English. She sometimes acts crudely and breaches etiquette in some ways according to my WASP sensibilities. For example, she has overshared personal things about our relationship to friends, family and coworkers that has upset me but she insists its no big deal and is funny. I think a lot of these other things could be overcome with work on the relationship, but not the attraction issue.
But recently I’ve realized that if I don’t make any changes, nothing will change. She and I both want marriage and kids, but I don’t want that with her. The window for this for both of us is closing (late 30’s, early 40’s). So I brought all this up with her a couple of days ago and she didn’t take it well. She thinks I’ll regret this (and I feel like I might) and she regretted ‘wasting’ 4 years with me. We’re currently not talking for the last day or so, but we’ll eventually have to talk about all this.
I guess what I’m asking is for some reassurance. Lack of physical attraction is a deal breaker for marriage right? I feel like I’d regret things if I just got over myself and married her as my best friend. I’ve been turning this over in my mind for weeks, but can’t see another solution besides breaking up. I’m also kicking myself for allowing things to develop like this. COVID really allowed time for pair-bonding in a siloed environment and it snuck up on me. I really feel like shit about this whole thing, particularly about ending it.
anakin_hold_on_this_whole_operation_was_your_idea.png
You preemptively disclaimed that you might break-up or date other people, and she handwaved it away. Well, now you’re at the bridge where you might break-up or date other people.
Not only was your disclaimer contained in the fine-print, it was the title slide in size 48 font. Her inability to manage her own expectations does not constitute an obligation on your part.
>guy I've been seeing on and off warns against living together in case we breakup
>I insist it's fine and that it's just for practical and cost considerations, so we move in together
>no sex for a year, but waiting for him to put a ring on it
>now he's talking about breaking up
>how could he do this to me?
Maybe things such as this could be overcome, maybe not. Maybe it’d be a lifetime of where, anytime you did something that was, in her eyes, cringe, clumsy, embarrassing, weak, or anytime you otherwise somehow fell short of being A Real Man, she runs to her friends, family, and coworkers to gossip about, shame, and mock you. Because it’s no big deal and is funny. You getting upset over it is just another thing for her to snicker over with her family and social circle.
Sunk cost. Better to rip off the band aid than let things fester more. She's not entitled to your commitment; you gotta do you and live your best life.
If for some reason you fear you’ll later feel some FOMO or one-itis, keep in mind you can at any moment book a flight to her home SEA country and date and bang chicks a decade or two younger than her, after which you’d hardly feel she were so unique, special, or essential anymore.
Attraction is not a choice. Plus, if it makes you feel better, the lack of attraction sounds bidirectional and always has been.
She was happy to keep you in the friendzone, but then COVID hit. Her dating options limited, one night omg-it-just-like-happened with you after the "magic of alcohol." Having coughed it up to you and with nothing to lose but the opportunity cost of time, and with her clock ticking in her mid-30s+, she thought “eh, he’ll do,” and let the inertia ensue. Who knows what she was doing during the times of your “(minor)" breakups.
You’re not even married and the bedroom’s already been dead for a year. Unless you plan on doing IVF or UberStorking a baby, sex is generally a prerequisite for the children you two want. And at her age, having a child the old-fashioned way could already be tough; two would be a reach. Marrying her could very well still mean zero kids.
The window is closing… <Bane Voice> for her. </Bane Voice>
If her window hasn’t closed already, that is. She saying you’ll regret this just sounds like projection, wishcasting, sour grapes, and sowing FUD.
Like you, she chose to spend these four years in this inertial state. It takes two to tango. She’s mad now that her settlement plan might fall through, that she might have to go into hurry-up offense to find a replacement, and she can’t manage the clock by calling time-outs, running pass plays only, running out of bounds, or spiking the football.
This was my favorite comment lol. Oneitis, not even once!
Yeah lol, SEA is the easiest place in the world to get laid if you are a white or off white. I had married women come up randomly, grind against me in raves whilst their husbands watched and no these were not sex workers. I never slept with one since I do not like asian girls but the stereotypes are true.
So fertility issues, a dead bedroom, loss of attraction, that is three strikes that are dealbreakers.
How can you have oneitis for a girl you're not attracted to? Makes no sense.
Sunk cost + neediness, in ops case sunk cost + proximity. Always default to "good" pua wisdom, not roosh but more like yareally, rsd. I was known as the oneitis guy here back in the day. It's a terrible situation if you are in it, the only way out is fixing your internal issues and having better cuter girls around.
Julien postulated that having a girl around adds meaning to your drab life, it is a way the brain can make existence meaningful. Kids get it for girls they have never spoken to.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link