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Notes -
I really appreciated you writing this - it feels like it matches up well to my own experience.
There are two things I’d add on to this. First, I think one major problem that we are seeing with a lot of…everything… is that the ability for people to extract more “value” out of the average individual. You touched on this with your point about the housing crisis, but I think it applies to more than just that; landlords take a higher percentage of your income, taxes eat away at more, income inequality leads to your boss making more off of your back, and working harder is not really something that gets you promoted anymore.
Which leads me to my second point - I think the unfairness of, well, everything is one of the major drivers towards people being unhappy with buying into the system. I’ve mentioned this in my past comments, but I recently bought into the property market. I am the owner of a two bed two bath condo, which cost me $500k CAD. My parents, at my age, bought a 5 bed 3 bath house for (inflation adjusted) $350k CAD. My boss works about 20 hours a week, and makes around $200k a year - I work overtime in a leadership position for $85k a year. I spent a very long time unable to get a girlfriend, while I know a guy who’s primary profession seems to be beating his girlfriends have both a steady long term partner and several affairs going on at a time (see Radicalizing the Romanceless and Untitled). Edit: People seem to be focusing on this part, so I’ll say that this was intended past tense - I have a girlfriend now, and I am very happy with her. You do not need to provide me with advice on this front.
I don’t know that I have a solution - all I can say is thank you for putting into words something that has been frustrating me for a long time.
You may be interested in the Chinese concept of neijuan.
While I do think free market capitalism is really the only incentive structure that works at scale and we've never found anything better, I find it hard to disagree with the leftist criticism that the drive to optimize everything in sight, abetted by increased technological capacity, significantly eventuates human misery.
You can see similar dynamics everywhere, from college applications, dating and even PVP video games, where the competition is more and more of a red queen's race. Everyone would be better off if we all stepped off the brakes collectively, but of course nobody has any incentive to surrender an advantage and so we all drive off the cliff together.
I think most people just aren't psychologically equipped to deal with significant differences in the status of those "around" you without any way of being able to climb up. It's one thing if the king is far away, you'll never meet him and you only have to compete for status with your tribe, a whole another thing to feel like you have to compete with status with the entire world, which of course is an impossible fight to win and only the insane would try to joust the windmill.
Is it "fair" that the family of my lawyer friend is ludicrously rich because his grandfather owns a bunch of valuable patents? Objectively his grandfather's provided much more value to the world than I ever have and my friend is a great guy personally, but my monkey brain just isn't happy about it and still makes me miserable from time to time.
The modern liberal ideology of trying to Harrison Bergeron anyone that sticks their head up is of course a ridiculous way of addressing this dynamic, but it is true that free market libertarians have no answer.
I have no answer to neijuan either unfortunately; I can only wish you the best with your job and partner.
In many ways that the people who predicted East Asia to be the future of the West had the right idea, I can only hope we look more like Japan and less like South Korea.
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I'm in an extremely advantageous position compared to most, but I still feel that meaningful progress is becoming increasingly difficult.
Progress towards what, you might ask? I'm not sure I know myself. FU money perhaps. Feeling safe enough to take a lower-paying job at some point.
How much of this is a cage I've built on my own. OP discusses the difference in men's and women's ability to lead a simple lifestyle. I've actually lived on my own as a bachelor for probably only 2 weeks of my life. It was fucking amazing how simple it all could be. Even with a job and a dog as complications. The only "gear" I needed was the apartment's gym nobody ever used and my gaming PC. Plenty of social time. Losing weight and getting stronger. Entire living space immaculately cleaned.
Children make things more complicated. I spent two precious hours of "kids asleep" time last night trying to repair electrical issues in toys, only to realize I was missing necessary parts replacements that would be 2 days later on Amazon. $30 here and there, but every week, another system, another shipment of plastic wrapped in cardboard. It's hard not to occasionally take a hard look at all of it and feel a deep sense of ennui.
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This is probably not because women love awful men, it’s because he’s willing to make the old college try over and over again and even a low success rate, over enough attempts, gets some actual successes.
Ehh, I disagree - he has a much higher success rate with women (I can say earnestly that I have never had a woman give me her number unsolicited, while I’ve seen him get a number from a waitress while out with his girlfriend).
Was he flirting with her? Were you? Was she someone you wanted to go out with?
No, no, no.
Surprised he wasn't even flirting.
As far as I can tell, he barely spoke with her - it is possible he heavily flirted with her when I excused myself to the washroom, but it seems unlikely with his partner there.
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Social proof from other women.
Of course it’s also possible that he has things you don’t which are attractive to women, but that these things are unrelated to his woman beating- eg high cheekbones, sense of humor. Statistically, these people have to exist- women after all do not actually have a sixth sense for mind reading to tell if a conventionally attractive guy is a good man or not. Either way, one of those things is confidence, which he almost certainly has.
I’m not disagreeing - I’m saying it seems unfair.
I don't disagree with you either. I am saying that 90% of woman woes have as most of the answer 'just approach more, bro'. Yes, I know it's awkward and intimidating but women like a man with balls. Show her you can put a kid in her. Yes lots of men need to learn how to approach and get better a flirting and yes there's the bottom whatever percent. Maybe you're five feet tall(if you're shorter-end-of-normal, here's a pro-tip- cowboy boots work wonders, they come off as masculine and you can probably get a good pair from an estate sale or something) with an ugly face and a stutter. I don't know you personally.
At the end of the day men are the sex with agency. Act like it.
Okay, just because everyone is focusing on this part - I have a girlfriend now, who I love very much. At the time I knew this person (we’ve fallen out of contact), I did not.
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