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Friday Fun Thread for December 16, 2022

Be advised: this thread is not for serious in-depth discussion of weighty topics (we have a link for that), this thread is not for anything Culture War related. This thread is for Fun. You got jokes? Share 'em. You got silly questions? Ask 'em.

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Someone commenting on the Dickstretcher-Rolex saga suggested we have a watch thread. To kick it off, I'm going to post a guide to What Watch to Buy based on why you want a watch, I figure that's a good way to pick a fight and get it going. I love watches, watches are cool, they're one of the few pieces of acceptable jewelry for (white) men, I love the historical associations of vintage pieces, I love the mechanical beauty of automatic watches that turn movement into energy as if by magic and can go farther underwater than I ever will.

I want a watch that tells time, is cheap, and maybe isn't a total piece of shit and that some people will like

G Shock Classic Tough Solar. Classic to iconic design, will survive anything your wrist will and a lot your wrist won't, solar battery lasts effectively forever and the multi-band atomic system means you'll never have to set it. Has a stop watch and other fun stuff if you want to play with it. People love their G Shocks so it's not something people will look down on, has a certain rugged utilitarianism to it. If you end up loving G Shocks, they go up in price, features, and collectibility from there to a $500 all steel model, which I found kind of ruined the point because it was so damn heavy.

I want to blend into the corporate upper classes and fit in, this is a status item, but I don't want to spend a ton of money

Just buy an Apple Watch. My circles aren't yours, but no one I know can tell the difference between one model and another (maybe they'll change this with the ultra), and half the top execs and earners I meet these days are wearing Apple Watches anyway for "fitness" stuff, so for <$400 you blend right into the C Suite. Honestly, this watch has hollowed out the watch industry as a jewelry/status purchase, the ladder of success has broken down at the middle tiers. Only stuff cheaper than an Apple Watch or much more expensive than the Apple Watch can survive. It no longer makes sense for a middle manager to buy a $1k Tag or Raymond Weil and expect anyone to give a fuck when the mail cart kid is wearing the exact same Apple Watch the CEO is wearing.

I want a new mechanical watch that looks like a classic men's watch and functions well, but brand isn't important

Seiko 5, Glycine Airman, or the Timex Marlin, are all affordable models with respectable reliable mechanical movements and good looks. No batteries are nice, and you can see if you like mechanicals. Nobody will look at them and say it's horrible or cheap. Pick what aesthetic tickles your fancy. If you want to get more into niche boutique unique stuff, some microbrands like this Armida Explorer Homage or any of the fine dive watches out of Islander Watches have moderately better finishing than the lower end brands and more unique styles, while still basically paying homage to the big guys.

I have a really small penis and I want to make that obvious to everyone

Can I interest you in an invicta? They offer products for all price ranges between $50 and $5,000, and it all screams compensation from top to bottom.

I want a mechanical watch from a brand other watch nerds will respect, but that Champagne taste is on a craft-beer budget

Go vintage non-Rolex swiss brand. You can find great cheap Tissot Seastars, or for a step up in brand value get a vintage Omega Seamaster or Constellation, or go out there with a Vostok if you're quirky like a Coen brothers film. The vintage will appeal to enthusiasts richer than you who are wearing Rolexs or Blancpains that cost ten times as much, while costing much less. Much better value than spending $1k on a mid tier watch.

No, really, I'm fancy and I just want to dive into the deep end and flex

Just get a Submariner or a Speedmaster , they have the pedigree and the history and the reputation that you're looking for. Unless you're ready to buy a Patek or something, and that's out of my depth!

As for my collection? I have a black square G Shock and an Armida A9 that I wear 90% of days. I have a 60s Omega Seamaster which was a gift from an old friend that I love, and a Bailey Banks and Biddle watch that was given to my great grandfather for 25 years of work at the same plant which I wear for special occasions (I love wearing it to a fancy event because no one else has one quite like it).

So what's in everybody else's drawer and on your wrist? Or how did I fuck up my advice above? Do you wear nothing but fakes? Nothing but Swatches in fun colors?

Nothing, really. The whole watch/brand name item as positive status symbol culture is mostly dead anyway, I include it somewhat tongue in cheek because it is something first time watch buyers think about. I like what I like because I like it, though I'm not conceited enough to think I'm totally free of these tendencies.

On the other hand, I think the brand idea lives on in the negative. if I see someone driving a non-hellcat non-ram Dodge car, I adjust my estimate of their general competence downward slightly. Notice how everyone can argue about mechanical v quartz, vintage v actually working, high class brand v generic; but we all agree Invicta is for morons.