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Notes -
A godless liberal goes to church
I knew in advance that my frustration with the godless progressive milieu that did everything but (ok, not but) cheer a horrifying political assassination, would be unlikely to be assuaged by attending my local Unitarian church's sunday service, but since I had read it described as the most intellectual church, and because of its sensibility towards Christ's (obvious lack of) resurrection, I felt like it would be the most likely out of the various sects to be a spiritual home for me.
I had no idea how bad it is in there.
The introductory speaker began the service reading very slowly and deliberately through various housekeeping items in a kind of "this is why boys in school have ADD" teacher voice. It was revealed that this was a special "all ages" day that they do every month. Could this be why she was reading to us in a voice like we were all babies, or is she always like this, I wondered. The last thing she did before passing the mic was asking us all to stand up and get the wiggles out.
The choir then got up and sang "Liberty and Justice for all" by Brandon Williams. Could this be an old Whiggish protestant church song, I wondered. But as it started "We are frightened... we are angry... we are rising..." which came across as a bit modern to me.
Then they sit down and they are followed by some ceremony to induct new people to serve as some kind of counselor role, which involves some vow reading that takes a while. Then they sit down and the choir gets up again, to sing "One Foot/Lead With Love" by Melanie DeMore which again contains words about being "scared," but it's a bit catchier than the first song.
Then they go sit down and now the two apparent church leaders say they are going to tell us a "story." Very slowly and deliberately they read out a baby story about two brothers trying to find God. They go up to the mountains, but they don't see God there...
I have to leave. The whole experience has felt like being Dracula confronted with a crucifix. Every cell in my brain screaming to get out of this holy place. Exiting the door I'm confronted with pouring down rain on a street with cars going by and I'm struck by the beauty and calm. THIS is where God is, is the thought that occurs to me.
So now my thought is, culturally, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? How is THAT what church is? Jesus Christ! How fucking horrible was all that? I could not believe only 30 minutes had passed.
I looked up the two choir songs and they are both basically anti-Trump protest songs written in 2016/17. Why are we singing about how scared we are? Why don't we fucking man up?
Why in every aspect is this a church for babies? Where even the children are bored by their pandering to them?
I was raised as a godless liberal but I had an idea that if things felt really dire and miserable, or if I felt like I needed God for whatever reason, any one of these places would at least do a serviceable job of keeping me connected. Holy hell was I wrong, there are some fucking bad, miserable churches.
I mean, it's a unitarian universalist church. Like what did you expect? It's philosophical progressivism as a religion, if you're looking for anything else other than progressivism you, uh, shouldn't have gone there. There's plenty of more normal churches out there.
In a sense I knew what I was getting into, in another sense I really am a godless liberal with almost total naivete regarding what each church is "really like". I thought I'd start with the one who at least is most aligned with my belief that Jesus was not resurrected. And I was legitimately surprised with just how miserably it all went.
OK, just a guide to American churches- 'Megachurch' is, technically, just any large church. In practice, these are large protestant churches(often with multiple campuses) which are loosely if at all affiliated with a broader denomination. Instead, they have a charismatic senior pastor who sets the general tone, makes major decisions, and gives the main sermon(there are often multiple) each Sunday. If there's multiple campuses, then his sermon gets livestreamed for at least part of the service. Worship music is usually rock-concert tier. Theology tends to be fairly similar to Baptists. Majority white megachurches are normiecon politically and not shy about it; black megachurches are moderate democrats politically and likewise not shy about it. They take the gospel literally, can sometimes but not always be a bit more figurative with the old testament. Formal doctrinal views on morality are generally conservative regardless of race, but with a wink and a nod. Neither set of teachings is particularly emphasized; its a red/black tribe normie social club first and foremost. There may or may not be formal female clergy, but senior clerics are men and pastor's wives are de facto clergy in their husband's right.
Baptists are similar to megachurch protestants theologically, but have much stricter moral rules. Southern baptists are the largest denomination, there's both more liberal and more conservative white denominations. Like with megachurches, there's also a black variant. Worship varies from something approximating a rock concert with a fire-and-brimstone sermon to something a bit more traditional with church hymns and the like, but without a set service. They take the bible completely literally, including the first eleven chapters of genesis. In general there's no female clergy, but pastor's wives have a special role in congregation. Politically, they range from normiecon to far-right.
'Lectionary protestants' are a set of moderate to liberal denominations with a set order of worship services and set, predetermined religious calendar. What they have in common is that their congregations are very old and very white. Most have female clergy. Most have a conservative mirror referred to as 'confessional' protestants, who have similar services, religious calendars, and formal theology while maintaining strict moral theology standards, a male only clergy, etc. Theoretically, all of these groups take the gospel literally, with a sliding scale for how literally to take the old testament. In practice, plenty of lectionary protestants take large parts of the gospel figuratively. Lectionary protestants are generally moderate politically- even crazy liberal denominations have membership that's just too old to keep up with the far left- and confessional protestants are mostly normiecon.
Catholics have a set order of worship and religious calendar, in addition to very set doctrine. Individual parishes range from moderate democrat to far right politically, and you can probably find both within driving distance. While politics varies, moral theology is uniformly strict, even if enforcement might have a wink and a nod. No female clergy, the musical settings for worship can be almost anything but usually isn't rock. What musical setting is a fraught political issue. We take the gospel completely literally and the old testament seriously, but not always literally. There's a reputation for supporting evolution but the bishops officially endorse intelligent design etc. Catholicism entails belief in a large number of miracles not accounted for in the bible because they occurred after the bible was written and Catholics will be very offended by disbelief in the holy tilma, miraculous healings, etc. Much of the right wing intelligentsia is Catholic of various degrees of observance. Probably the most ethnically diverse of the major denominations, and generally uninterested in white nationalism even in the far right incarnation.
Pentecostals have rock-concert services at which they seek to demonstrate a set number of 'signs of faith' listed in the bible. 'Speaking in tongues' is the most popular of these. Snake handling is a popular way to make fun of them, but is a fringe movement therein. Politically conservative, they might have women clergy, and moral theology varies a fair bit. They take the bible 100% literally and hold a variety of post-biblical supernatural beliefs, but usually less firmly than Catholics.
Orthodox are a very small group in America, so small that sociologists just lump them in with Catholics. They hold similar supernatural beliefs and cover a similar spectrum, but a bit more predictable by subgroup. Ask @Gaashk for further details, I know ROCOR is the most conservative and OCA the most liberal. Services follow the same structure and different adaptations of the same calendar, but do have some variation in melody and language.
Mormons are structured like an actual cult, but tempered by the need to fit into mainstream society due to their size. Very strict moral theology, political conservatism. Doesn't technically have clergy but religious authorities are pretty much all men. Theoretically takes the bible, and a few other books, completely literally, in practice lots of them disregard that requirement. Members are very heavily policed for compliance with the requirements of mormon practice, but the mormon church offers lots of services to its members so they are incentivized to comply.
How black is Pentecostalism in the US? In London most of the Pentecostal churches are ethnic churches for some African or Caribbean country.
Less black than the general population, probably more Hispanic/asian than most Protestant churches. African Americans overwhelmingly belong to black baptist/lectionary denominations or black mega churches. African immigrants are as likely to be Catholic as Pentecostal- and normie baptist as either.
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