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Notes -
For men: in a relationship, do you ask about your partner's body count? Or perhaps you don't ask about it, but ask certain other questions like attitudes about casual sex? Does asking about it actually help with the preoccupation at all? How do you get over it?
No, but it tends to come up naturally. But also, I and most of the people I've dated didn't really know? Depending how you define body count, I'm probably somewhere between one and three dozen?
What preoccupation? Who cares how many people either of you have slept with? Being preoccupied with exes or their penis size (as described below) just reeks of insecurity. It seems more productive to focus on being a good partner in and out of the bedroom and having confidence in your self-worth.
This type of reaction you've shown to me makes me angry. You clearly don't respect my values enough to even ask why before you start telling me how it looks, and ridiculing the thought process right out of the gate. But maybe that was your intention.
I deliberately avoided dating for this long because I only ever wanted to save myself for one special person, to make her my "first" everything, and it's a really bitter pill to swallow that I've waited too long to get my life in order and there is basically nobody left at my age who is relatively normal and also did the same thing as me, so it won't be as special, and I will probably feel permanently bitter about it.
If that seems too romantic for you, fine. The bitter reality that we are all mammals that just have instincts to mate with each other before we die is an extremely uncomfortable thought, and I think society has been harmed by embracing it to the extent that it has. I finally believe that I'm a good person, and there are other good people like me, and the world as it currently is is unfair to them and their values. But there's nothing I can do about it, so it's just about finding the best way to cope.
You sound pretty firm that this isn't any kind of inferiority complex. Have you tried unpacking a bit more what it actually is?
For instance, when you think about the body-count disparity, are you angrier that you waited (FOMO) or that she (maybe) didn't?
When you say you wanted it to be "special" and that you feel "bitter" about your first time, are you most upset about the experience getting devalued in itself? Or that she might value it less (giving you feelings of rejection/ being unappreciated)? Or that you are getting someone less pristine? Or just pure anger at the idea of someone preceding you?
For what it's worth, although randy Aellas apparently do exist, a large proportion of most young women's early "body count" outside committed LTRs will have been owing to some combination of: unpleasant direct pressure or manipulation by a date; unpleasant social expectations to seem cool and not like a boring prude; and/or maladaptive coping impulses from some kind of painful trauma or personal issues. Women mostly talk about these youthful encounters as war stories, and while not everyone would admit outright regret, I've never, in my whole life, heard a (non-professional) woman express enjoyment of the sex itself in an early-20s hookup. No icky memory of a casual hookup will make the average woman less appreciative of the deep, intimate sexual connection she's finally found with the love of her life, so if you're at all concerned that she won't find it special... that really really is not an issue. You might as well be jealous that she had some near-miss collisions with drunk drivers before setting out on a road trip with you.
In my experience of both, girls under "unpleasant social expectations" are all giggly and dripping wet, while with "the love of her life" you are grinding your teeth and enduring. Funny how that works.
You seem very confident in your intuitions about your partners' enjoyment during sex, which is not something that men or women are notoriously great at judging. (And for reference, young women mostly giggle when they're nervous or uncomfortable, and vaginal fluid fluctuates with hormones, not necessarily with arousal.) But your experience is your own, and I'm sorry you apparently had some bad sex with a woman who loved you.
I'm a little confused by the wider claim, but if the idea is that women exclusively enjoy casual sex with Chads, hate sex with men they love, and are unaroused by romantic attention, emotional intimacy, care or commitment... well, that's a pretty extraordinary thing to argue, but if true it seems like it should be not "funny" but great? "Bang as many hotties as possible, no uggos, no fats, no true love, lie as much as you can" closely matches various classic evopsych statements about men's preferences and MOs, so if that's really what girls like too, then seems like we should be headed into a golden age of harmonious gender relations.
And if I had said that in the latter case they are closing their eyes and thinking of England, would you have retorted that nobody cares about England anymore, or would you have understood that I was speaking figuratively? For reference, I can't remember a girl literally giggling during sex.
And the picture is far from great, because I'm only growing older and more unattractive while competition is growing more fierce, and also because I'm a romantic at heart, and it chafes that emotional intimacy is a hindrance to good sex, here in the reality and not in the words of somebody who tries to legitimize female dual strategy colloquially known as Alpha Fux Beta Bux.
I don't know, man, I can only speak from my own experience as a happily married person, surrounded by other single-to-low-body-count people in similarly normal marriages, plus several nice, friendly and pretty low-body-count single ladies who I wish would meet these true romantics you say are out there. From where I stand, all that redpill dogma from those ponytailed/overtanned skeezy old influencer dudes is about as close to lived reality as the Flat Earth stuff. Some of it sounds like an elaborate fantasy by people who never moved past high-school resentment of the cheerleaders and football stars; a bit of Heartiste quoted here the other day was so frankly homoerotic (in a masochistic way) that I kinda wanted to tell the guy to just marry Chad since he finds him so fuckable.
Anyway, like I said, I'm sorry you've had some bad experiences so far. Hope you find someone to be happy with.
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